2018 I am ready for you

We made it..some crawling, others walking, or perhaps running...it doesn't matter because we made it. 

Ooooo weeee 2017...I don't even know where to begin or where to end and if you have read other posts you're aware of all that 2017 was. If someone would have told me last NYE that my 2017 would encompass all that it did, I probably would have laughed in disbelief. Every life transition that could occur has- from a new job to the loss of my mom and then cat to a move and new relationship. You name it I probably went through it. I'm grateful for my friends and family for keeping me grounded, my yoga practice for keeping me sane, and myself for rising to and surpassing each and every challenge presented. 

What 2017 has shown me....

• My strength
• People choose to give what they want and are only capable of giving from where they are
• It's ok to just exist sometimes 

What is being left behind 

• Self doubt
• Should, could or would....either you do or you don't 
• People, things, thoughts that do not align with my path or purpose
• Actions that do not honor the body I have 

What I look forward to...

• New challenges personally and professionally
• More experiences with friends and family
• Growth in love
• More travel
• Better Health
• Lots of laughter and joy
• Abundance in all aspects 

Overall, I look forward to a year of renewal in 2018. Renewed energy and focus, strength and motivation. 2017 was one to remember. Thankful for all that it was and all that I will remember it to be.

2018 I am coming for you!

Wishing you a wonderful, abundant, and joyous new year!

Coming full circle

Whoa. Time is flying and now another winter is upon us. I can't say I am a huge fan of this time of year, something about cold weather, dark mornings and early sunsets that just makes me feel blah. No matter what I do to try and see the brighter side of this time of year it just doesn't seem to cut it. Although I am not a fan of the winter I do love knowing that a new year is upon us. As you should be aware from previous posts, NYE is my 2nd favorite holiday and as I begin the process of reflecting on the year, I can't help but notice a pattern of completion surfacing. As challenging as this year was- from work to my mom to the recent passing of my 11 year old cat, new relationships and the loss other relationships- as I finish out this year I can help but see certain things coming full circle.

My journey in DC began 7 years ago. When I arrived, it was just me. I knew a few folks but I was pretty solo at the beginning of this journey. Six months later my mom and 2 cats joined, bringing home and familiarity to a space that was so, so new to me. I am readjusting to where I began 7 years ago- life in DC without my mom and my cats. No lie, it's a bit weird and sometimes I feel like a tether ball with no pole. I have to be conscious in grounding myself in this space here as I know if I followed my true free spirited Gemini self, I would probably be living along the beach in some foreign land. That's still a possibility of course.

To prevent a long ramble of full circledness (i'm pretty sure this is not a word) that is occurring I figured I would give a brief rundown of the areas where I find things coming to completion..

• I applied to my current employer about 5 years ago only to be told i'm not qualified for the position I applied for; Now, I'm managing the professional development and training for the same employer and same position I was not qualified for
• For the last year I have been teaching the same yoga class I began my journey to yoga with 4 years ago
• Starting in January, I will be a teaching a graduate level course I took 6 years prior
• After an unsuccessful first connection, I am now dating a man that I met 6 years ago after reconnecting 5 months ago

There are a few others that are coming to a completion. I'm pretty sure there is a reason for all this completion and as I continue to observe them, I look forward to seeing what is on the horizon.

Just like that...

Around 5:20pm on Saturday May 27, 2017 I witnessed my mother take her last breath. I chuckle to myself when I think about asking her to hold on so I could use the bathroom because I wasn't sure how long I would need to be at her bedside comforting her through this transition. Thankfully it was quick and peaceful and when it happened I knew...my mother had left the building.

A couple days later I hopped on a plan for Greece. I had already booked this trip, my mom was excited and if would the over a week to get my mom's body from DC to Chicago and prepped and ready for her services. So off I go to my mother's land. Hoping to disconnect from the Previous 2 months where I was taking care of my mother and the the last memory I have of her, taking her last breaths.

Travel is my soul booster, happy enhancer, mind soother...travel makes me feel complete and brings me clarity so it only made sense that I do that in order to heal what my mom left behind.

My previous posts speak to my experience caring for my mother and although I just got it done, in those final couple of weeks it became significantly more challenging. She no longer slept through the night which meant I had to get up as well. She needed more assistance and support and I was quickly losing sight of my needs. I'm grateful that I could and was able to support her but in those challenging moments reminding myself this is a season and enjoy being able to touch and hug and talk to her while you can.

So by the time it came to board that flight, I was ready. I was ready to let go, I was ready to move forward, I was ready to return to me and to honor my mom through me. I knew that this trip would be just what I needed and I was right. 

Living without limitations

Ok...not quite. There are always limitations. Some are self-imposed, some imposed by others, and then there are environmental limitations...etc. There is some type of limitation but I believe there is a way to navigate within and around these limitations to live the life you want.

I would like to think that I had a little breakthrough this weekend. I was in my Reiki II training and we were working with oracle cards. One of the cards that was presented for me was around the theme of internal conflict. Y'all this card was so timely. I shared with my fellow trainees as to where the internal conflict was coming from and it came down to the fact that my way of coping with my mom's illness did not align with how others felt or believed how I should be coping. I literally started questioning my own emotional response thinking maybe i'm in denial. Nope, i'm not. I'm very aware of the outcome of my mom's illness and I am not fearful of death (feel free to ask about my beliefs around this...better yet stay tuned to a future blog).  Now don't get me wrong, it's a sad situation and i'm empathetic to what my mom is going through, but i'm not sad. At that moment I decided that I will no longer live to the expectations of others, I will no longer be limited by the expectations of others, and I no longer will limit myself.

I told my bestie that I want to sell all my stuff (except my books and photos) and buy a bike. She suggested I hold on to some pieces. I understand her logic but then again that would be allowing someone to limit the life I desire. Yes, furniture can be expensive but luckily I didn't pay much for what I had and sure it took my a whole weekend to paint my table. It has brought me joy and it can bring someone else joy. Why hold on to things that can be replaced and who knows where I will be in life when my mom makes her transition? I do know that wherever I end up, I have no problem getting what I need. #Livewithoutlimits

Besides my bike, I want to date. A lot .Yeah, I have certain time constraints but when you are establishing a friendship there is no reason why it can't be worked around and the right people will understand. Now I probably won't lead in with "hi my name is courtney and my mom has cancer." I'm in a place life wise where I ready to be madly in love with the right person to the point where others may be slightly grossed out (but not really)#lovewithoutlimits

I want to travel more. Near and far. Supporting my mom has really slowed down the way I commit to things and has made me commit to less things freeing up my time. It has been awhile since I have had whole weekends to myself and now that it's becoming more of a norm, I see if becoming more of a norm to add some travel. #travelwithoutlimits

Last but not least, I want to maintain a mind of gratitude and joy regardless of those around me. Misery loves company but i'm not joining it. I consider myself lucky to be on a natural upper. Overall, I am happy with the way life flows and it takes a lot to bring be down. Honoring my truth, I will not sway with those around me. #joywithoutlimits

Leave it to death to make you want to live. 

If not now, when?

Message in response to a meeting with accountability group...figured this was also a good place to share. Enjoy 😀

As I was reflecting on the conversations of the group, the question " If not now, when?" kept popping up. One of the greatest attributes and greatest downfalls of my mom is that she was very much about doing things when the spirit moved her but also very much inhibited by fear to do the things she always wanted.

I think there is a little bit of both in all of us. We have so many ideas, so many desires, so many things we hope to accomplish but then become overwhelmed by the enormity of it all and as result find excuses or reasons why we are unable to do something. Obviously the result of this is being stuck. Getting stuck in a space of just saying but not doing, stuck in a space of wonder and not reality. Stuck watching life pass us by instead of living the life we desire. 

As I continue to support my mom through this experience (journey, transition, I don't know what to call it) I can't help but wonder what I can do to make life more meaningful, to take advantage of all that I have in front of me, to make the most of the moment... and it circles back to the question "If not now, when?" 

I'm compiling a list of things that I would like to accomplish and being more mindful of not putting off things that can easily be taken care of. Every time I feel an excuse start to pop in my mind I ask myself "If not now, when?" (like last night when I was going to skip the gym because my me time is limited but technically being at the gym is me time...so yes me and the gym reunited after a brief break)

I hope that as you continue on your journeys, you take advantage of all that you have in front you. Go after your desires, make memories with those you care about, and challenge the ego aka excuses so you're no longer inhibited by them but motivated to move past them. 

The highs and lows of cancer.

Now let me preface this with, I do not have cancer (thankfully) and I can not fully understand the things the impacted individual faces on a day to day as they cope with cancer. I can say as a "caregiver" to a person (my mom) with cancer, there are highs and lows. Obviously, every situation is different and every approach is different. Let me also preface this with, this is not my first go around with cancer. Albeit my role is different and the level of impact is a bit different this time around, I'm not unfamiliar with the challenges faced by someone with cancer.

Let me tell y'all- this is no walk in the park. From the perspective of a caregiver and not to come across as self-centered I just want to say that I can not speak to the experience my mom is having and will not try. She has made it very clear that she wants to own this experience and I honor that.

There are highs and there are lows. I figured I would share some of the highs and lows I have have experienced while supporting my mom through this.

Lows..

• The mood swings. Obviously cancer is difficult-physically, mentally, emotionally and there are moments of anger, frustration sadness, worry,etc. It can vary day to day and moment by moment and when they are dealing with the not so good emotions, you have to not take it personally when they lash out or get frustrated. 
• Uncertainty. You never know what's going to happen and when. I'm on constant alert that I will receive a phonecall either from my mom or a medical professional. You just never know what will happen and when. 
• Sore muscles. When my mom moved home, I moved in. She's independent for the most part but there are times where she needs assistance with tasks like bathing, cleaning, etc. Additionally, she's has an oxygen machine that needs to be filled with water and checked a few times a day. So, moving in with her and still having my place i'm obviously posting up on the couch bed. My back is perpetually tight. Lifting and bending etc. has put me in desperate need of a massage....daily. 
• Being a caregiver when you just want to be a daughter. Because I'm gone most of the day at work, when I get home I go into autopilot mode. I clean everything as needed, make sure she's ok, and take care of errands not to mention managing my actual home in which my cat still lives in..LOL I wish at times that I could just ENJOY the time we have in the evenings instead of having to go into "get er done" mode. 
• Readjusting my life to support my mom's. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom and gladly make the sacrifice but my schedule is created around her needs. Oh, and dating? Ha. Although i'm open to it, it's hard to share with someone you just met that you live with your mom who has cancer and you need to be home around 9:30pm every evening to ensure she is situated and ready for bed. I'm always hopeful and know that the person intended for me is understanding but yeah...only time will tell I guess.  

Highs...

• Having my mom. Obviously there is a slight shift in roles, but I can still see and interact with her in a capacity that is much more than a few weeks ago. 
• Having time to enjoy the person despite the setbacks of the illness. She's still here and even when she's being a pain, i'm happy to have the time I have. Thanks God. 
• Learning and recognizing my own strength. At times I just sit back in wonder trying to figure out where it comes from. 
• Learning how to be present. Who knows what tomorrow will bring and therefore I will not worry. 
• Learning how to be selfless. I told a friend that after this experience with my mom, I feel ready to be in a relationship with someone because I now know what it's like to put the needs of someone else before your own. Like truly. I have never had to think of someone before myself in this capacity and think that's what happens in a successful relationship-you consider the needs of the other before your own and hope they're doing the same. 
• Recognizing the people that are truly on your team. My friends, like the legit real ones, have been my support throughout all of this. Whether its a meal, a hug, a listening ear, or just being them and allowing our relationship to remain consistent for some level of normalcy-my crew is true and I have no desire to expend energy on those that aren't part of it. 

So although this is a stinky situation, some really good things have come of it and for that I can be appreciative and grateful.

Coping with Cancer

It's my third day at my new job (awesome!) and I receive a text from my mom sharing that she has been having a  hard time breathing and may need to go to the ER. I, of course, was ready to leave work at that moment but she insisted that if things got worse she would let me know.

I leave work a little early (still my first week) and head straight to my mom's. Of course as I show up she is getting herself ready (blow drying her hair, etc.) for this trip to the ER. For about six weeks prior my mom had been experiencing a range of symptoms from congestion to laryngitis to loss of appetite and a swollen face. Each trip to the doctor ended with an antibiotic or some other medicine treating a sinus infection. So when we went to the ER, we assumed that it was a result of the sinus infection and that they would probably give her an inhaler and send her on her way. After what seemed like the longest wait ever we were finally seen by an ER nurse and then admitted into the ER. Given the symptoms they ordered a chest xray just to rule anything out. My mom not having slept much in a few days was nodding off and trying to get comfortable with the limited amount of oxygen she was able to get. After another wait, the doctor asks me to step out the room as my mom was napping to share with me what they discovered. It is in that moment I found out my mom has cancer. 

After what felt like ages in the ER, my mom was finally transported to the ICU where she remained for the next 3 weeks. For those 3 weeks I served as my mom's representative- speaking with doctors, managing her personal life, updating family and friends. Each time the doctor would provide an update, I had to process it and then disseminate necessary information to others and make decisions in regards to my mom's care. More tests were ran, more decisions to be made. I became a regular in the ICU, making daily trips to ensure my mom was ok and being taking care of. I was getting to know the nurses and more and more familiar with the hospital cafeteria ( 5 stars for the red velvet cake). My mom has cancer. 

I have never been one to remain stagnant. Being the first one informed of my mom's diagnosis and then having to make difficult decisions on what type of treatment she should receive (if any) and then having to manage my own life on top her life on top of supporting loved ones as they process the news, is A LOT. There were pivotal times where I would cry- like in the ER when I learned my mom had cancer, or in the ICU waiting room while they were getting my mom situated, or those first few nights when I would leave the hospital and drive home knowing that may have been the last time I saw my mom alive, or once my mom finally was alert and learned of her diagnosis and asked me questions like "Am I dying?" "When am I going to die?" or when I drove home from the hospital towards the end of her stay and the song that is playing on the radio is the one that she said she wanted at her funeral a year or so prior, or the moment of realization that my mom may not be around long enough to see me be a mom... My mom has cancer. 

I have my moments, I honor those moments, but I do not stay.

It is quite easy to ride a wave of emotions, going through highs and lows. It's easy to get stuck in despair feeling helpless, sad, angry, etc. What's not easy is being present. I had to make a decision early on- resist the fact that my mom has a terminal illness and be plagued with challenges or surrender to it and find peace through acceptance.

I chose the latter.