Random thoughts

For some reason this seems to be a reoccuring theme. I'm 25 soon to be 26 and it seems like this is the appropriate age to be settled down and getting ready to be married. For a long time I thought that this was the practical next step because it's suppose to be that way, only to realize that it's all lies! Yes, lies! Now don't get me wrong, if you find that special someone that completes your world then by all means go for it, but I have come to realize that some times we settle because we try to meet those expectations of getting married and fulfilling the roles that society has created. Trust me, everyone wants that special someone, their partner in crime, and for a long time this was me because I failed to realize that I had several partners in crime on this journey through life i'm taking. I would romanticize the idea of being with someone walking down a road in an African village, someone that did not experience life with me from afar but next to me. But with the ending of a relationship and some solid words of advice from my twin I realized that I do have what I want. I am able to experience this life with those that I care about and I may not be heading down the aisle I am heading somewhere and not settling for whatever comes my way. I realized that I wouldn't settle for anything else in my life, education, career, why would I settle when it comes to a partner? I think a lot of times we settle to appear to be desirable with others, like having someone on our arm is validation that we are someone and someone that someone else finds attractive. Now this all goes to mindset we all struggle with validation from others, failing to be able to validate ourselves. The attitude I have taken since Peace Corps has been one that may seem confident. Seriously, you go live in the village somewhere without water and electricity and tell me you're not off the chain and the Sugar Honey Ice Tea. Everyday I can look at myself and feel proud of who I am, what I have accomplished and where I have come from. People's opinions have no bearing on my opinion of myself and I think having this attitude gives me the upperhand when coming to selecting a mate. We are typically attracted to partners that share similar qualities as ourselves, but many times over I find women(and men) who settle for partners who may not be on their level because they need that validation from the outside world that they are desirable. Wake up world! We all have gifts to give this world and we need not think that we have to fit a box in order to feel important. Hell, if you feel important in your world then you are. There is no age that you can place on love. But there is also no time limit to when it is suppose to happen.

This post was inspired by my twin brother. He is engaged to what I would call his life long sweetheart. Their relationship stems back to elementary school and even though they have had ups and downs, they have managed to move through them and past them. When you find a love like this, I think it's truly something to cherish. Until then, don't settle for anything just because everyone feels that you should be walking down that aisle.


Ok...I know this is a bit random but it's been on my mind.

On another note, i've been asked to present at a conference my research on Sudanese women and their access to education. First formal presentation for grad school...got butterflies but excited.


Sudan is coming along slowly but surely. Right now they're checking references. I was recently offered a position in north Sudan(crazy!). South Sudan is my preference but please do not put it past me to head north....hahahahaha. about 6-7 weeks to go!

The spring is here and I can tell because my allergies are acting a hot mess. Claritin states it's non-drowsy but for some reason my body still acts like it is drowsy.

I love that when I walk out my front door I can see the Capitol and if I walk a block over I can see the Washington Monument.

I have been quite exhausted lately and realize that it stems from a lack of working out. Sunday the workouts will resume...

My birthday is coming up in 2 months and 2 weeks!

It's funny my life is busy and my social life is lacking but when I had too much time I complained as well. I need to figure out that balance...

If I was to create a soundtrack to my life the headliner song would be Des'ree's Gotta be.

Going to Grandma's House

Now let me put a disclaimer...I love my yia yia. In her own ways she's was a good woman(may she rest in peace) but we just didn't have that connection that some others may have with their grandparents. It's funny that I make the comparison of uncomfortable or awkward situations as going to grandma's house but it has worked in allowing me to cope with these situations. I remember being in Malawi and thinking about all the situations where my presence was expected(funerals, weddings, other village ceremonies) but I didn't necessarily want to go. I would have to sike my mind up to going to these functions and would tell myself that it was like going to grandma's house. I was expected to go but didn't want to always to go because well...I guess dynamics need to be explained here. As many of you know or don't know i'm half Greek. Now my yia yia(grandma) was a typical Greek woman in my eyes. Went to church, hung out with church friends and other Greeks, cooked, and the likes. But seeing as my grandma was Greek and raised surrounded by other Greeks and i'm bi-racial and raised surrounded by all types of people, are outlooks on the world were very different. She was funny and she could cook, but sometimes there were these awkward silences that I swear I could hear crickets chirping 5 states away. When it was time to go to yia yia's house, I would have to build it up in my mind that it really isn't that bad and that it's the right thing to do because she is my grandma and well it's the least I could do because she did play a roll in me being here. So now whenever I have an awkward situation I tell myself it's like going to grandma's, something you have to do but may not always want to do but will allow the other person some type of satisfaction because you did.

It's just not that serious...

I believe it. Everything is just not that serious. I mean it is all in the perspective you take but I try my best not to allow anger, sadness, or something else that is trivial to keep me from doing what I need to do. Sometimes when someone says something or does something that may cause us discomfort we tend to let it stew, but really, it's just not that serious. Relax and enjoy life.

Ho hum...

My mind has been swimming lately. I'm overwhelmed. I look at my workload, although it is manageable, I for some reason can't figure out how to manage it. This whole Sudan thing has really thrown me off. I'm excited, i'm nervous, i'm ready to hop on a plane and do the damn thing. But since i've busy thinking about Sudan, i'm having a hard time converting my attention to what I need to do now. Every morning I wake up hopeful that I will be back in the present, living and enjoying only to allow my mind to wander off as the day proceeds. My mind wanders to all that I need to do. Find a subletter for the summer while i'm gone, quit my job, finish my work, tie up any lose ends. I should be use to this, hell, I was a Peace Corps Volunteer but for some reason that feels totally different then it does now. With PC I knew it would be an extensive time that I would be gone. With this temporary assignment I have to do all that I did to prepare for my PC experience plus think about what I would do upon my return. UGH! I need a day to get it together. Too bad I don't have a day to spare.

Peace Corps Memory....

Sisters in Senga (Senga Bay, Malawi).

A 4 day girls empowerment camp held at the lake.

Conflicted

Last night I felt the urge to revisit my thoughts while in Malawi. I pulled out the 2 journals I kept during my time there and began a time warp back to those moments. I laughed at points when I can see a bit of my anti-malarials causing me to emphasize a certain mood. I was transported back to the moments that I thought, I wrote those words and It opened a pandoras box of thoughts and reflections. I have been in a reflective mood lately. I'm not really sure what brought it about but I find myself going back and reading and re-reading previous blog posts, old journal entries, reliving old thoughts and remembering the moments that those thoughts came to life. It's been an interesting ride so far. In 3 months I'll hit the big 2-6! and if you know me birthdays are a) my favorite holiday b) the best time to reflect on the year and figure out what steps need to be taken in the year(s) to follow to ensure that you get the most out of life. It's been an interesting almost 26 years, full of ups and downs. I know I'm on the up now as I stampede towards the future, creating the world that I want to live in. But there's something that is on my mind and marinating in the pit of my stomach. I'm anxious. Both about what's going on now and the future. I'm anxious that I have so much control over the outward aspects of my life but inside i'm all over the place. I'm anxious about things that I want coming to fruition. Just seems to good to be true sometimes. This summer I will be in S.Sudan, consulting with a fairly large humanitarian aid organization. I'm scared shitless! I put it out there. I'm not scared so much about my life and security things, i'm scared from the fact that this is something I put out in the universe with the hopes of it happening and it appears to actually be happening(I will be more confident about it happening when tickets are in hand). Man, i've have been one blessed individual. People keep telling me about the manifestation of one's destiny, it's interesting because when I sent out an email to family/friends with the news about Sudan, one response was "You are magical in manifesting your path." At first I didn't give this much thought, you know, one of those "that was nice of them to say that" type responses. But then it hit me. I don't know if i'm good at manifesting my path because of the perspective I take i.e everything happens for a reason, or if it manifests because I put the energy out there for it to happen. Who knows, I can never say that I haven't been given golden opportunities, that's for sure. Anyway, back to the reflections. In all of this reflecting time, I have come to realize and kind of pinpoint the hardest things for me to deal with including some of the insecurities I have. People are pretty weary about putting insecurities out there, the fear of being that vulnerable to others, I do have my reservations, but when you put it out there for others to see, it makes it easier to deal with it because you not quite dealing with it by yourself any more.



You probably couldn't tell by the way I carry myself and how I present myself but I wear my heart on my sleeve. Love to me is something beautiful and I have been in love, am in love, and will always see myself in love. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for my family or friends. I always say that you have 2 types of friends, ones that will come pick you if you're stranded or ones that will help you brainstorm ways to get out of your situation. I pride myself on knowing that I'm one that will come pick you up. I love so much something that it can be quite difficult when a relationship moves on. People can't stay in your life forever and it can be difficult for me to know what once was is no more. I tend to move on quickly because I know that what it was it can't be anymore, but still part of me wishes that it could always be.



I'm all over the place. I believe in living life to the fullest, carpe diem and all that jazz. I will never pass up an opportunity that will expose me to something that I may not have been all that aware of before. I'm always tempted to hop on a plane, go somewhere(where I may or may not know a soul) and explore. There have been several instances in the past 6 months that I was one click and submit away to going somewhere.There is so much to see in this world and I have a hard time being confined to the walls that reality has built. What's holding me back? Why don't I? Well, I guess that is simple. I don't want to be forgotten. I have family and friends who are a bit more static then I and although I tend to be all over the place, I don't want to be left behind on the milestones in their lives. I missed out on 2 years of the lives of my nieces, 2 years I can't get back. When other people are making memories with loved ones, I have found myself watching from afar. It gets hard forming new relationships only have to turn around and say goodbye. But yet I seem to put myself through that over and over again. Although i'm creating memories for myself, it's really trying to find that balance and really find out what i'm willing to compromise on. I know i'm a drifter. My attention span doesn't last long and once my interest has been lost, I move on. I guess its finding a way of having the best of both worlds, but we will see how that comes to fruition over time.



It's kind of contradictory to say what i'm about to say based on what has already been stated but my instability is an insecurity. I like stability, have a hard time with big life transitions, and have fleeting thoughts that I may set roots down somewhere. But the thirst to see the world clashes with this. I'm coming to realize that I have to create my own stability where I am but that can be difficult if you're not there long enough to make that happen.



I guess you can get a good grasp of what truly the problem is.... The largest insecurity I have is not knowing what it is that I want. Things change and they're always constantly changing. The more I see, the more I learn, the more I change. Having exposure to a larger world can be both a blessing and a curse because with that exposure comes more options and too many options can sometimes be a not so good thing. I enjoy the fact that I have so many choices but not knowing where I may end up is kind of scary. I have to remind myself that i'm only 25 and that in time the answers will present themselves. I guess the conclusion I have come to is that I have a choice and those choices are going to have consequences, whether good or bad, and I have to deal with those consequences.



Really why am I telling you this? What will come of this? Nothing that I know of. Maybe you will get something out of it, maybe you won't. Who really cares? I know above every and anything happiness is key and if jetting off to Haiti is going to make me happy, i'm going to do it. We all have different insecurities and I think the biggest lesson to be learned is not allowing these insecurities to dictate how you manifest your destiny.

YAY!

I'm headed to S.Sudan this summer!!!!!!!!!!!!!



More details to come (: