So I thought I was going to write a blog entitled "the next phase" seeing as I just closed a chapter and getting ready to open a new one (or not getting ready, actually opened a new one...i'm on like the 3rd page and it's already a thriller...at least in my mind). Anyway, as I thought about the beginning of this new chapter, this new phase, I realized that with this new chapter I get a second chance. I failed. Yes, I admit it, I failed at implementing the lessons I learned from my previous chapters and now that I am starting a new one, I get a second chance. A second chance to return to those lessons and implement them, use them how they're supposed to be used, to re-learn, and recognize just what I need to do to get me back to where I need to be.
Whenever I feel something weighing on me, I return to my blog. I return to what I HAVE WRITTEN and go through each blog and let my words speak, to me, for me. My words do a great job of allowing me to see what I need to see in order to understand a situation. Before I can go any further about what I am going to do this time around I need to let you know the truth of just what I have been dealing with.
These past few months have been quite a doozy. I went to somewhat stable employment to no employment. If you know me, you know that I have always worked, sometimes 2-3 jobs at a time. I may have been living paycheck to paycheck, but I had a paycheck. I had a secure paycheck that I could count on to pay the bills and allow me to enjoy a nice meal or new outfit. I guess having no job is my fault seeing as I quit a job without having another lined up, but I wanted to stay true to myself, and this job would just remind me that someone sees me as unworthy. In addition to not having a job, I had to make the difficult decision of moving back home. Out of the 4 kids in my family, I was the first to leave and in almost 10 years never came back. Not that I don't love my mom, but I love my independence, I love being in my OWN space without having to worry about someone else entering my space without invitation. So now I don't have a job and i'm moving back home, I felt like a loser. Like who has 2 degrees, extensive work experience, and the want to do work for others that many choose not to but no job and living at home? The constant questions about what next? what big thing does Courtney have planned, because she always has something planned, something big going on, and when I shrugged my shoulders and realized that I don't have any big plans, I became depressed. Like how do I not have a plan, how do I not know what's going on? So after giving myself a pep talk about not having a job and moving back home and how it's really not that bad because if I follow my own advice "never put permanent thinking on a temporary situation" then this situation is just temporary, it really is. After telling myself that I began believing it to be the truth, because it is. So now i'm over that hurdle i'm on to the next...relationships.
This year has been an emotional rollercoaster of dealing with relationships. I guess they say it's true that God only gives you what you can handle and I believe that to be true. I would never turn my ear from someone who needed it, but I also didn't do the best job of finding that balance. How do I focus on me while still making the space for others that really matter? I failed at that. When I was working and dealing with the stress of working with populations experiencing trauma, friends and relationships, it just became too much. I had no outlet because I created no outlet. It's hard being the person that everyone comes to but I don't always feel like I have that person I can turn to. I never want to be a burden and I feel guilty bitching about things that aren't really that important because let's face it, there's many larger problems in this world. I have become extremely self-reliant and that is years of feeling like I only have myself to really rely on which became even more intense when I was in Malawi and truly on my own. I would never want those I love to feel that I can't be there for them, but I have realized that in order to be there for them, I have to be there for myself. This whole not-having-a-job-moving-back-home-blues pushed me to a space with those that I love that I either exaggerated one emotion or shut down. Seeing as I looked back through my blogs, I did the same thing when I came back from Malawi, moved to DC, and became aware that the world is not like the world I had in Malawi. I have extreme highs but those extreme highs can become extreme lows and when those extreme lows occur, I'm learning just how to deal with them and how to create that balance and recognizing the signs that an extreme low is coming so I can deal with them accordingly and without having to take it out on those I care about. So for those that I may have distanced myself from, pushed away, or sucked you into my extreme low, I apologize. I can't say that tomorrow I will be back to normal and I ask for patience while i get there, but do know that I love you, am always here for you, and what I just wrote has no bearing on the role I play in your life. It just means that I have to do a better job of creating those outlets and may need a little more time to focus on me.
Why am I putting this out there? Well, with this second chance, i'm learning how to let go, how to release, and how to let people in. It will be an adjustment at first, but I know that nothing but good will come from it and it will allow me an outlet that wasn't there before.
Now back to this second chances business. I will begin a new position soon, have a goal of getting a car before the end of the year, and moving into my own space around February. For those that really know me, you're probably thinking she hasn't learned because she's still planning shit out, but that's my compromise. I will have a general plan and allow everything else to happen as it will. The one thing that I loved about being in Malawi, was being able to choose how and what I will do with each day. Although I still had to work, I took the time to invest in the relationships that mattered, I had the chance to deal away with the ones that didn't, but above all, I allowed myself to be open to what each day brought. Coming back to the states, I lost sight of that, and now that I am aware and have my second chance, I am going to do that. Letting go of control is hard, but as I have said before, everything has always worked out, there's no reason it won't now. So as I return to the outlets that have always worked for me (writing, reading, walking, exploring), I am refreshed and revived and ready for this new chapter.
Cheers to second chances and cheers to a new chapter.
Whenever I feel something weighing on me, I return to my blog. I return to what I HAVE WRITTEN and go through each blog and let my words speak, to me, for me. My words do a great job of allowing me to see what I need to see in order to understand a situation. Before I can go any further about what I am going to do this time around I need to let you know the truth of just what I have been dealing with.
These past few months have been quite a doozy. I went to somewhat stable employment to no employment. If you know me, you know that I have always worked, sometimes 2-3 jobs at a time. I may have been living paycheck to paycheck, but I had a paycheck. I had a secure paycheck that I could count on to pay the bills and allow me to enjoy a nice meal or new outfit. I guess having no job is my fault seeing as I quit a job without having another lined up, but I wanted to stay true to myself, and this job would just remind me that someone sees me as unworthy. In addition to not having a job, I had to make the difficult decision of moving back home. Out of the 4 kids in my family, I was the first to leave and in almost 10 years never came back. Not that I don't love my mom, but I love my independence, I love being in my OWN space without having to worry about someone else entering my space without invitation. So now I don't have a job and i'm moving back home, I felt like a loser. Like who has 2 degrees, extensive work experience, and the want to do work for others that many choose not to but no job and living at home? The constant questions about what next? what big thing does Courtney have planned, because she always has something planned, something big going on, and when I shrugged my shoulders and realized that I don't have any big plans, I became depressed. Like how do I not have a plan, how do I not know what's going on? So after giving myself a pep talk about not having a job and moving back home and how it's really not that bad because if I follow my own advice "never put permanent thinking on a temporary situation" then this situation is just temporary, it really is. After telling myself that I began believing it to be the truth, because it is. So now i'm over that hurdle i'm on to the next...relationships.
This year has been an emotional rollercoaster of dealing with relationships. I guess they say it's true that God only gives you what you can handle and I believe that to be true. I would never turn my ear from someone who needed it, but I also didn't do the best job of finding that balance. How do I focus on me while still making the space for others that really matter? I failed at that. When I was working and dealing with the stress of working with populations experiencing trauma, friends and relationships, it just became too much. I had no outlet because I created no outlet. It's hard being the person that everyone comes to but I don't always feel like I have that person I can turn to. I never want to be a burden and I feel guilty bitching about things that aren't really that important because let's face it, there's many larger problems in this world. I have become extremely self-reliant and that is years of feeling like I only have myself to really rely on which became even more intense when I was in Malawi and truly on my own. I would never want those I love to feel that I can't be there for them, but I have realized that in order to be there for them, I have to be there for myself. This whole not-having-a-job-moving-back-home-blues pushed me to a space with those that I love that I either exaggerated one emotion or shut down. Seeing as I looked back through my blogs, I did the same thing when I came back from Malawi, moved to DC, and became aware that the world is not like the world I had in Malawi. I have extreme highs but those extreme highs can become extreme lows and when those extreme lows occur, I'm learning just how to deal with them and how to create that balance and recognizing the signs that an extreme low is coming so I can deal with them accordingly and without having to take it out on those I care about. So for those that I may have distanced myself from, pushed away, or sucked you into my extreme low, I apologize. I can't say that tomorrow I will be back to normal and I ask for patience while i get there, but do know that I love you, am always here for you, and what I just wrote has no bearing on the role I play in your life. It just means that I have to do a better job of creating those outlets and may need a little more time to focus on me.
Why am I putting this out there? Well, with this second chance, i'm learning how to let go, how to release, and how to let people in. It will be an adjustment at first, but I know that nothing but good will come from it and it will allow me an outlet that wasn't there before.
Now back to this second chances business. I will begin a new position soon, have a goal of getting a car before the end of the year, and moving into my own space around February. For those that really know me, you're probably thinking she hasn't learned because she's still planning shit out, but that's my compromise. I will have a general plan and allow everything else to happen as it will. The one thing that I loved about being in Malawi, was being able to choose how and what I will do with each day. Although I still had to work, I took the time to invest in the relationships that mattered, I had the chance to deal away with the ones that didn't, but above all, I allowed myself to be open to what each day brought. Coming back to the states, I lost sight of that, and now that I am aware and have my second chance, I am going to do that. Letting go of control is hard, but as I have said before, everything has always worked out, there's no reason it won't now. So as I return to the outlets that have always worked for me (writing, reading, walking, exploring), I am refreshed and revived and ready for this new chapter.
Cheers to second chances and cheers to a new chapter.
