Finally....Peace and Clarity

If you couldn't tell by a few of my last blog posts, i've been a bit overwhelmed. Ok, not a bit but a lot. A lot more overwhelmed then I think I have ever been. Things usually come easy, or I can easily roll with the punches but this time around, it's been harder to just roll with it. There were so many things on my plate to think about, more especially the next step including my career, relationships, where i'll be when. I always have some sort of plan but lately, this plan that I created I found myself questioning it a lot. Trying to determine whether the plan I was creating was the right plan for me. I realized that a lot of this conflict stemmed from not wanting to let those around me down and a lot of where society expects me to be and how it expects me to be. There are some things that I can be certain about...Yes, I will make my way back overseas. I'm not going to lie, I feel out of place here. My thought process, my attitude toward life just in general, the states is home but doesn't feel like home and i'm not going to lie to myself about that. I'm not in a hurry to get back overseas though. There are relationships here that I would like to nurture more and there are things here that I would still like to do. How long will I be in DC? At least a year if not 2 or 3 or 4. Now that i'll be graduating, I will have a lot more time on my hands to enjoy this city and more than just the night life. I find that I enjoy a city so much more when the stress of a student is gone so i'm looking forward to that chapter ending and beginning the next chapter...here in DC.

In terms of my career, well, I've been a spoiled brat when it comes to this. Who complains about having too many opportunities? I mean no one is knocking down my door, but giving my experiences I'm in a better place than a lot of people when it comes to securing some type of employment. I'm allowing myself to be picky and find the opportunity that looks like the right fit for me. Although I would enjoy going back to teaching, DC is not an easy place to do it and although I will (hopefully) be fully licensed here, I want to make sure that the school and placement are the right fit for me as well so we will see where I end up in September.

For now, i'm going to stop and smell the roses. I have a couple more months left in being a student and although life has been stressful, it hasn't been all that bad. Time to enjoy! :)

The things I carry.

It's that time of year, when we begin to transition from winter to spring and for some this may include some serious spring cleaning. I have a habit of acquiring more things than I need and every year I find myself getting rid of a huge pile of things and giving away a huge pile of clothes. Although at the time of purchase or acquisition the item seemed like it fulfilled a need but over time it like others would just accumulate dust in the back of the closet, in my bookshelf or under the bed. I try to live as minimally as possible and with the things that I need and use...consistently. So as I look around once again and figure out what will be donated or thrown away, I know for sure there are a few things that I could never get rid of. These things contain the memories that will be carried with me on every step of my journey.

If you're like me, you have a few possessions that have a special meaning and enhance your life in some sort of way. In the last week or so, I found myself looking through these possessions, figuring out just what they mean to me and why I choose these items opposed to others to hold on to. These items, have traveled around the world with me (ok I haven't made it around the world but they have seen me through two stints in Africa). These prized possessions are a crooked cross, brown journal, a book from my mom and little red heart. These possessions have entered my life at various times and carry a level of importance that I can hopefully articulate here. If not, just know they're really, really, really important to me. You see, the first thing I acquired was the crooked cross. I received this as a gift from my first job out of undergrad. It was given to me at my final staff meeting as I was getting ready to relocate back to Chicago to relocate to Malawi. Now I knew ahead of time that I would be receiving this as it was tradition for them to give a cross to an individual who was departing that represented their character and role at the shelter. The cross a representation of how imperfect but perfectly unique we all are as individuals is a reminder to see all for the imperfect perfectly unique individual they are. It reminds me to approach all with compassion, care, and kindness as we all are different but special in our own way. I find this to be significant with the work that I do, I interact with people from all walks of life (both in my domestic work and international work) and if I was unable to appreciate the gifts they bring and the individual they are, I would have a hard time understanding and trying to serve them.

The next being a brown journal, this journal has gotten me through some of my most uninspired, unmotivated, saddest days. You see, this journal was a gift from a friend that was given to me just prior to my departure to Malawi. At a farewell party this journal was passed around to those who were present to sign their well wishes as I embarked on a new journey. Although the relationships with some of the people who wrote in the journal have changed over time it still feels good to know there are people who believe in me and the work I do just as much as I do. Over the years I have acquired more messages and notes that I keep in the journal and any day that I need a little pick me up, I open my journal and read through those messages all over again.

Another forever keepsake is a book given to me by my mom just before I left for Malawi. Actually she snuck it in my suitcase and I discovered it in Philly my last night in the states. She inscribed a message on the front cover that went a little something like this: "My Dearest Courtney, ...I hope that you never forget your worth to me, the world and most importantly to yourself" Anytime I start doubting my worth, anytime I hit a road bump that has me questioning myself, I read this message then I read the book and become empowered to keep pushing, keep smiling, and keep being the best that I can be.

 Last but not least is a little gift I picked up while in Kenya. A little red heart. I actually picked up two, one to carry with me wherever I go and one to leave at home (and to give to someone much deserving of it). I've stated this before and will state it again I love love. I love giving, I love receiving and I love witnessing it. This little red heart keeps me ground in love and reminds me to carry love wherever I go and share it with whomever I come in contact with.

When I think of these things that I carry, particularly the little red heart, I feel like anything is possible.

All over

This morning I received an email from one of my bosses asking for something i've been working on for her by this afternoon. I'm good with deadlines but this particular deadline was for Wednesday and I'm still waiting to get some input (from her) before I can finish the assignment. It will get done but now i'm up at 9am on my day off getting work done before my mom arrives to pick me up. My brother's girlfriend is coming in town today and I told my mom that we could do lunch, then the gf and I will attend an event for my program before we hit dinner then I retire to my bed as I have an exam in the morning. Thinking about all of this is a bit overwhelming in the sense that I don't feel like I ever get time for myself. I do, I take that back, when i'm riding the bus, walking down the street or sleeping in my bed alone. Not sure how much that counts, but I really, really, really like myself and I really, really like to be alone...sometimes. I spend a lot of time trying to be the best daughter, sister, aunt, friend, worker that I can be. I listen, I laugh, I love, I believe in giving 100% even if that means I have to put myself to the side for a bit. I don't do things because I feel that I have too, I do them because I want to and I want my friends, family to feel that they have someone they could always go to.  I think I do a good job at all the different roles but I wish sometimes people, especially the ones I'm closest too, understood better just what I go through, how much weight I carry on my shoulders compounded by my own internal issues. I work in a field where I see and deal with some of the most heartbreaking things everytime I walk in the door (I've got stories), I have been witness to someone of the most difficult things any one person should ever have to experience, but I do it and get through it because I believe I have a gift to carry and share that burden with others. When I say internal, I don't mean illness or mental issues, just sorting throgh what is going on in my life. I'm getting ready to start a new chapter, i'm transitioning and i've never been that good with transitions. I'm slowly learning to get all the voices out of my head except my own (no i'm not schizo but talking about society and family) to figure out just what I want, i'm trying to focus on me, my wants, my needs but sometimes that's hard to do with all the layers, all the roles that I play in my life.

It's a catch 22, I love the role I play in the lives of others, just wished sometimes, I could take off all of those hats, just be and think about me. Selfish I know...but I think I deserve it.

Sorry for the rant, just a bit overwhelmed and as I sort through everything as I begin this transition to a new chapter, more and more things become clear. I'm on a journey, i'm on my way. To where, who knows....

Conversations with a Cab Driver

After work last night I decided to meet up with a couple of friends for some late night sushi and conversation. Since I decided that I wanted to do my shopping for the week before I had to be at work the next morning, I did not make it a late night and left around 1:15am. Aware of the time and the time I was planning on waking up, I hailed a cab instead of waiting for the last 80 bus of the night. A couple cabs came, actually I let about 5 pass me before hailing a cab just because the other drivers looked a bit sketch and having a few run ins with sketch drivers I decided to follow my instinct and wait for the right one. So I hop in the cab and as I always do, share a greetings, check to see how the driver's day went and as we exchanged a few pleasantries about music, where we were from and what constitutes calling a place you're hometown etc.. and then cab driver began sharing his story. He was from VA, grew up in DC and had his fair share of run-ins with the law which resulted in him spending a good portion of his youth and young adult years in and out of prison. He then informed me that at 50, he went back and got his G.E.D and was planning on attending graduation in June. Having worked with adult learners in several different environments, I have witnessed how difficult it can be to return to school after so many years and finish. When he told me this, I naturally told him I was proud of him because I was, it's a big deal to return to school after over 30 years and complete and compete with those much much younger than you. Although my words, a natural reaction when someone accomplishes something and didn't mean much to me, meant a lot more to him. See after our 35 minute conversation (mind you I was only 7 minutes from my house) he told me that although people congratulated him and said they were happy that he did it, he never had anyone say they were proud of him and because I did he could truly look at his accomplishment with pride. When I went inside and began winding down for bed, I couldn't help but replay the conversation in my head and then think about the power of words. Something so simple as saying your proud of someone, or asking about someone's day, or sharing other kind words can have a profound effect on the individual and their own perception of self. We may not see them as important, but we never know and will never know sometimes.

Of course I was touched that he informed me of the impact of my words and although sometimes it can be easy to use words to tear down others, i'm going to do my best to be conscious of the power of my words and use them to uplift others.