Happy 100 Blog Anniversary!

So I just realized that my last blog was my 100th blog written since 2010. I'm super proud of myself for sticking with this writing space and I am super happy that you have supported me through it all. If I had some wine I would make a toast, but I don't, so I will settle for being happy :)

Out with the old, in with the new

Well the world didn't end on Friday as they said it would, which means that we have either been had or we don't completely understand the Mayan calendar. Since the world didn't come to an end and I am still alive and breathing, I guess it's time I updated this blog. I love this time of year, not necessarily because of Christmas or thoughts of snow or presents, but because the new year is approaching and this is one of my bigger reflection periods. I have been reflecting A LOT on 2012 and what the year held for me, what lessons it presented to me, and what I plan on doing in the new year. Before I go into the lessons learned, I wanted to highlight the positive things that occurred in 2012. Here it goes...

-I traveled over 15000 miles (NYC x4, Chicago x2, Chincoteague Island, Atlantic City x2, Puerto Rico, Nigeria, Virginia x3 (outside the DMV area), Jacksonville, FL and some smaller day trips in between)
-GRADUATED! Finished the requirements and received my masters degree
-Welcomed a new niece :)
-Made new friends
-Experienced a hot, sweaty summer in DC
-Quit my job without a backup plan

Ok, the last one may not have been a highlight but it definitely was a great lesson in self-worth and personal happiness. This year has been filled with ups and down, frustration, anger, sadness, happiness, and joy. This year has been by far the most challenging one for me as an adult and although at times I was ready to throw in the towel, throw my hands up, and walk away (maybe to an island maybe back to Africa), I stuck with it as I did through other challenging times and the lessons that came from this year are invaluable. So on to the lessons...

1. Don't expect people to understand your happiness-Some times people are unhappy or don't share in the happiness you have, that doesn't mean you have to stop being happy or limit your happiness. The world is getting crazier and crazier and if you're able to find happiness and hold on to it, more power to you. I've said it before, but never let someone compromise your happiness, even if that means having to walk away or create space away from those negative nellies.

2. Learn to be still-this was by far the most challenging thing that I learned this year. I can't be still, I don't know what that means, I can't remember the last time I had non-stop stillness and this year due to some fortunate circumstances, I was able to take some time to be still. To think, to plan, to figure out where I am headed next and what I want. It wasn't easy, but I am more and more comfortable being still.

3. Have no regrets or thoughts of second chances- Life is meant to be lived and there is a chance that you won't get another opportunity to take advantage of. If there is something you want to do, do it. If there's someone you love, love them. Act as if there will never be another opportunity after the first and love and live life as much as you can.

4. Don't be afraid to take a step back and focus on yourself- I have always been a "people pleaser" and have always been the shoulder to lean on and a listening ear, but I realize that by doing so i'm exhausting myself mentally which has taken a toll on the physical. It's hard not always being there for others, but I can no longer invest and be there for others when it results in something negative for my well-being.

5. Letting go- I'm still putting this into practice, but this year it has gotten better. Sometimes you just have to let it go. Whether it's a job, a person, experience, or thing. If all signs are pointing to the fact that it's not yours and never will be, then let it go. When you let things go, you open up the space for the things you're supposed to have to come.

6. An unpleasant situation is only unpleasant because of your attitude- Look at the perspective you take on things. I try to remain positive in my thoughts, even during the most trying times, and I find that when I do those trying times are little less miserable and a little more enjoyable.

7. Be Present- With all the technology and social media, being present is becoming increasingly difficult. I reached my breaking point. I am tired of being in a space, having an experience and instead of being present in that moment, i'm updating something about that moment. What sense does it make to constantly update fb about what i'm doing and with who instead of actually being there in that moment enjoying those I am with.

8. Pay attention to the actions, not just the words- People will tell you what you want to hear and we live in a space where manipulation is the norm. People will talk, but actions talk louder and if your actions don't follow your words, then those words are worth as much as an expired gift card...nothing.

Each year when I reflect on what lessons have been presented, I create goals that will coincide with them and will allow for me to put my lessons into action. I am excited for all that 2013 has to hold, I know that it will be a great year because I will make it one. So for all those that are reading this, I wish you well and with much happiness in the new year.

Out with 2012, in with 2013...

Watch out, i'm coming back with a vengeance.

Second chances

So I thought I was going to write a blog entitled "the next phase" seeing as I just closed a chapter and getting ready to open a new one (or not getting ready, actually opened a new one...i'm on like the 3rd page and it's already a thriller...at least in my mind). Anyway, as I thought about the beginning of this new chapter, this new phase, I realized that with this new chapter I get a second chance. I failed. Yes, I admit it, I failed at implementing the lessons I learned from my previous chapters and now that I am starting a new one, I get a second chance. A second chance to return to those lessons and implement them, use them how they're supposed to be used, to re-learn, and recognize just what I need to do to get me back to where I need to be.

 Whenever I feel something weighing on me, I return to my blog. I return to what I HAVE WRITTEN and go through each blog and let my words speak, to me, for me. My words do a great job of allowing me to see what I need to see in order to understand a situation. Before I can go any further about what I am going to do this time around I need to let you know the truth of just what I have been dealing with.

These past few months have been quite a doozy. I went to somewhat stable employment to no employment. If you know me, you know that I have always worked, sometimes 2-3 jobs at a time. I may have been living paycheck to paycheck, but I had a paycheck. I had a secure paycheck that I could count on to pay the bills and allow me to enjoy a nice meal or new outfit. I guess having no job is my fault seeing as I quit a job without having another lined up, but I wanted to stay true to myself, and this job would just remind me that someone sees me as unworthy. In addition to not having a job, I had to make the difficult decision of moving back home. Out of the 4 kids in my family, I was the first to leave and in almost 10 years never came back. Not that I don't love my mom, but I love my independence, I love being in my OWN space without having to worry about someone else entering my space without invitation. So now I don't have a job and i'm moving back home, I felt like a loser. Like who has 2 degrees, extensive work experience, and the want to do work for others that many choose not to but no job and living at home? The constant questions about what next? what big thing does Courtney have planned, because she always has something planned, something big going on, and when I shrugged my shoulders and realized that I don't have any big plans, I became depressed. Like how do I not have a plan, how do I not know what's going on? So after giving myself a pep talk about not having a job and moving back home and how it's really not that bad because if I follow my own advice "never put permanent thinking on a temporary situation" then this situation is just temporary, it really is. After telling myself that I began believing it to be the truth, because it is. So now i'm over that hurdle i'm on to the next...relationships.

This year has been an emotional rollercoaster of dealing with relationships. I guess they say it's true that God only gives you what you can handle and I believe that to be true. I would never turn my ear from someone who needed it, but I also didn't do the best job of finding that balance. How do I focus on me while still making the space for others that really matter? I failed at that. When I was working and dealing with the stress of working with populations experiencing trauma, friends and relationships, it just became too much. I had no outlet because I created no outlet. It's hard being the person that everyone comes to but I don't always feel like I have that person I can turn to. I never want to be a burden and I feel guilty bitching about things that aren't really that important because let's face it, there's many larger problems in this world. I have become extremely self-reliant and that is years of feeling like I only have myself to really rely on which became even more intense when I was in Malawi and truly on my own.  I would never want those I love to feel that I can't be there for them, but I have realized that in order to be there for them, I have to be there for myself. This whole not-having-a-job-moving-back-home-blues pushed me to a space with those that I love that I either exaggerated one emotion or shut down. Seeing as I looked back through my blogs, I did the same thing when I came back from Malawi, moved to DC, and became aware that the world is not like the world I had in Malawi. I have extreme highs but those extreme highs can become extreme lows and when those extreme lows occur, I'm learning just how to deal with them and how to create that balance and recognizing the signs that an extreme low is coming so I can deal with them accordingly and without having to take it out on those I care about. So for those that I may have distanced myself from, pushed away, or sucked you into my extreme low, I apologize. I can't say that tomorrow I will be back to normal and I ask for patience while i get there, but do know that I love you, am always here for you, and what I just wrote has no bearing on the role I play in your life. It just means that I have to do a better job of creating those outlets and may need a little more time to focus on me.

Why am I putting this out there? Well, with this second chance, i'm learning how to let go, how to release, and how to let people in. It will be an adjustment at first, but I know that nothing but good will come from it and it will allow me an outlet that wasn't there before.

Now back to this second chances business. I will begin a new position soon, have a goal of getting a car before the end of the year, and moving into my own space around February. For those that really know me, you're probably thinking she hasn't learned because she's still planning shit out, but that's my compromise. I will have a general plan and allow everything else to happen as it will. The one thing that I loved about being in Malawi, was being able to choose how and what I will do with each day. Although I still had to work, I took the time to invest in the relationships that mattered, I had the chance to deal away with the ones that didn't, but above all, I allowed myself to be open to what each day brought. Coming back to the states, I lost sight of that, and now that I am aware and have my second chance, I am going to do that. Letting go of control is hard, but as I have said before, everything has always worked out, there's no reason it won't now. So as I return to the outlets that have always worked for me (writing, reading, walking, exploring), I am refreshed and revived and ready for this new chapter.

Cheers to second chances and cheers to a new chapter.

In the business of serving others

As a senior in HS I took a class that had a component that required students to create an independent project of their choice. I chose to focus on homelessness and as a part of that project I took a service learning trip to Nashville, TN. I had the opportunity to work with a few different agencies in Nashville that focuses on supporting the needs of the homeless. An organization that we spent a few days volunteering with was Room in the Inn (Campus for Human Development). This organization provided several much needed services to a population of people society often times overlooks or sees as a burden. Knowing that I will be returning to Nashville the following fall for school, I stored this organization in mind so that when I returned I could find out more about what they do and become a volunteer.

Around this time 5 years ago, I became an employee of Room in the Inn's Campus for Human Development, closely working with those the organization serves. I have been saying either aloud or in my head since I was in the Peace Corps that I want to eventually become by own boss and begin my own non-profit. Now that I reflect on this idea more and really begin to take the steps to make it happen, I can't help but think about the influence this organization has had on my perspective to community and human development. I have had my fair share of experiences working and volunteering in the non-profit world. Some positive and some not so positive, but all have taught me something in regards to how I would approach the business of serving others. None of these organizations have taught me how to truly serve others and still run an organization efficiently then Room in the Inn (Campus for Human Development).

I'm going to go on a bit of a rant here, but hear me out. Nothing gets under my skin more than a non-profit organization that sees those it serves as a number opposed to a human being (or living being). Yes, there is a business aspect to running non-profits because let's face it, they don't run on air. But because there is a business aspect it, it does not mean that the human, or humanity, aspect needs to suffer. I don't understand why more organizations don't feel that they could do this, don't feel they have to do this, or don't think it is necessary to do this. What's the purpose of serving others if the service you are providing doesn't come from the heart? At the end of the day, anyone experiencing a trauma or difficult situation in their life, needs validation that their presence is valued and how do you value that presence if you don't value the connection with the being and instead only see it as a number? I'm all about community development, I all about helping the next person (and let my mom tell you, I should stop giving my services away for free...LOL), and i'm for those things because I have realized the value of community and human development, when one wins then only one benefits, when many win, many benefit and because as they say "we're only as strong as our weakest link" then why don't we truly, really, want to invest in individuals to strengthen those links?

Back to Room in the Inn. In the 5 years that I have been involved with this organization in some type of capacity, I have witnessed the true meaning of community. From the Founding Director to Executive Director, staff, volunteers, and most important those being served, everyone, and I mean everyone, at some level was connected to the mission through their service. I have never worked for an organization that valued learning people's names as much as this organization. It wasn't surprising to see the Founding Director of Executive Director interacting with the participants (the term used to describe those utilizing services-they are active participants in their own development) or lending a helping hand when needed outside of their role assigned duties. At the end of the day, this organization found individuals who believed in the mission as much as the Founding Director does, and utilizes their skills to serve others while focusing on the importance of human connection in service to others. In addition to the stress on human connection, the volunteer support is something you don't see often with non-profits. Yes, there are those that do no agree with the work that is being done, but the action of those that do speak louder than the naysayers. The volunteers that serve through Room in the Inn have filled gaps where resources were not available, they exhibit the true meaning of community and as I said before, believe in the mission of this organization just as much as those that work there. 5 years later, i'm still reflecting, still in awe of this organization and the work it does and how it continues to operate with the integrity that was presented when it first began over 25 years ago in a church  with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

So why am I bringing this up? As I said, i'm beginning the process of really thinking and working towards my dream of starting my own non-profit and when I think of how I would like that non-profit to look, I envision something very similar to what I saw and experienced at Room in the Inn. My hats off to this organization because they are doing something (and something pretty big) the right way (atleast in my eyes) and are a good example for any organization in the business of serving others.

(for more information about Room in the Inn checkout http://www.roomintheinn.org/)

A story of a girl.

I have a story to share....

There was a talented, skillful, intelligent young woman who worked for an organization that served homeless women. She spent two years working with them in a capacity that was below her abilities but because it worked with her life at the time she did not see an issue and just enjoyed the fact that she was doing work that she enjoyed doing. One day, a little over a year into her job with this organization, she recognized a need. The organization, although it provided great services to those it served, it was missing a large fundamental piece to help provide better support to those it was serving. The organization was in transition and preparing to expand and this young woman saw the need for a more comprehensive education program that would better prepare the clients for their next step outside of the shelter. She proposed the idea to the higher ups of designing a new program, keeping in mind there could be a better job for her upon completion, and once the proposal was accepted began working on the program. For 6 months she spent many, many hours doing assessments and research to design a program that would be best suitable for those that this organization serves. After completing the design of the program and handing it over, she was informed that at the time there wouldn't be an opportunity to bring an individual on to manage it. Although she was saddened by this news, she knew that this program, one day, will come to life benefiting those that it was intended to benefit. All was not wasted because she was able to use the program as the final project for her Masters and was able to collect her diploma 2 months after walking across the stage.

For a few months this young woman spent time seeking out job opportunities that could be a good fit only wishing that something better would come along, something that was the RIGHT fit. After turning down 2 positions due to the low salary being offered and being turned down from another position after two months of interviews, she was surprised to find out that the organization in which she designed the program for was now hiring someone to manage the program and within the salary range she was seeking. Being excited that the opportunity she hoped for and thought was the right one became available, she applied and was granted an initial interview. Now it seemed kind of silly having to interview with someone that she worked with for two years but figured they were trying to go about it the most fair way. She was offered a second interview on the spot and at the second interview was told to submit references. She submitted her references and a week went by before a request for another reference was made in which she happily obliged and sent the reference. She was told that a decision would be made the following week and she anxiously waited for the decision to be made. It was a long wait and difficult because everyone around the girl knew she had the job seeing as she worked with the organization for two years AND designed the program. When the day came for the decision, she did not hear anything but assumed it was because everyone was busy preparing for the expansion. The next day she decided to email the hiring manager/her co-worker and did not receive an immediate response. A few hours passed and then she received a call that would alter the path her life would take. "Courtney, we were really, really, really (and no I did not emphasize that, she really did say 'really' that many times) impressed by you but unfortunately we decided to go with another candidate. We really hope you will consider other positions as they become available in the coming months, we really do." Yep folks, this young lady was me and this really happened. As much as I told myself over the interview process that I shouldn't expect to be offered the job, to me  it made the most logical sense seeing as I had everything they were looking for from educational background and experience to being the one who DESIGNED the program. So as disappointed as I was I had to accept the fact that I wouldn't be the one to manage this amazing program I designed.

After receiving some sound advice from my mom, I copyrighted my program and decided to expand my job search to outside of the DC area. Now i'm not opposed if the right opportunity is here in DC but i'm now not shut off to the idea that maybe DC was just a pit stop in my journey and there is somewhere else I need to be next. Who knows, but I do know what I have learned in this job search process.

1. Do not ever settle for something unless you have to. I've had jobs try to get me to work a zillion hours and offer to pay me nothing. I know my worth, I don't expect more than I deserve and I am not willing to settle for just anything because I feel that I have to. Lucky for me, I have people all around me that support me and are willing to support me through this transition (thanks mom!).
2. Do not limit yourself. I spent 2 years convincing myself that I need to stay in DC and DC has the best opportunities for me. I then realized that although I would like to stay near my mom and family, there are opportunities outside of DC that could and would work for me as well. The work that I want to do is needed everywhere which means there are opportunities everywhere for me.
3. You create the life you want to have. After initially being stressed out about the whole job thing, I decided to let go and live life as I would if I had a job. During the day I spend time looking and applying for jobs but the evenings and weekends are my time to relax, catch up with friends and family, and remember there is more to life then work, work, work.

So although I am now approaching this job search with a more open mind who knows where i'll end up. Hell, 2 years is a pretty standard amount of time for me to be in any one place and i'm surprised I made it this long. After hearing the news from the shelter, I had to remind myself to count my blessings. I have health, home, love, clothes, food, family, friends, choices and these blessings although they seem so basic is all we really need. I know the right opportunity is out there for me and i'm not willing to settle....just yet.


The End.

2 years ago.

So I haven't wrote in awhile. Probably because I was unsure what to write about seeing that not much has really happened and I haven't been in much of a writing mood...until now. It's surprising how things come full circle and re-present a lesson or two learned previously but somehow magically forgotten during this journey called life. 2 years ago, I was going through the oh so fun job search process. Up until that point, I was able to land jobs through my connections to people (my job as a director of a summer program was brought on by a referral by a friend and my first job out of undergrad was given to me due to my role as a volunteer the previous 4 years). I never really had to go through the job search process because I was always able to find one, or have one fall into my lap just as I needed it. 2 years ago, my self- esteem took a huge blow when I couldn't find a job, particularly one I could see myself doing happily. 2 years ago, I entered into a mind space that just really wasn't the most positive. 2 years ago, despite the blows to the self-esteem, the dark mind space, and the inability to find joy within the everyday comings and goings of life I was able to get it together, mentally and physically to keep it going. If you don't believe me, go back in my blog and you will see, that those few months when summer tapered into fall, were difficult and not the happiest for me. 2 years later, I find myself in the same exact place. job searching and looking for a position that is the right fit, something that I would want to do for the next long time, something that was aligned with my passions and left my soul feeling fulfilled and up until this point nothing but crickets can be heard.

As I saw myself falling back into that same mind space I was in 2 years ago, I had to check myself. Things in life were not in order, from relationships to what I needed to do on a day to day to keep myself sane. If I continued to let things get out of hand, out of my control, I would have fallen...hard. After a few days of being in my thoughts and figuring out what I needed to do to keep my sanity,peace, and joy, I realized that even though there are things that are out of my control at this point, i'm resilient. I always have and always will make it over the hurdles that life throws in front of me and I will always come out stronger, wiser, happier and more balanced than before. I had to remind myself that even though things may appear to not being going in the direction I want them to go, they're going in the direction I need them to go in order to get to the next stop in my journey. It's a scary, scary thing to be placed in a vulnerable situation such as this, but just because this situation makes me vulnerable, it does not take away from who I am as an individual, what I have accomplished, what I will accomplished.

There are a lot of things I need to do to get back on track, re-establishing boundaries, focusing on my needs, recreating a plan that is more conducive to positive mental thoughts, and more importantly reminding myself that although things may not be in my favor at this very moment, when the moment is right they will be. Sometimes it's difficult to be patient when you think you have been waiting a long time, but life is just one big waiting game. Either you can get really good at it, which means allowing things to unfold as they are supposed to when they are supposed to, or you can become really bad at, forcing the hand of situation that lead you to a path of emptiness. I'm choosing to get good it and while i'm working on mastering the art of patience, I'm going to allow myself to re-experience the joys that are involved with living.

Its time to stop existing and start living again.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Today is the day, i'm off and on my way. Wow. Can't believe in a few short hours I will begin my journey to Nigeria. I'm not really sure how to feel at this point. I'm excited for the opportunity to travel with a great organization and do work i'm passionate about. I'm nervous because I have never been and although I know i'm in good hands, it still feels like diving into murky waters hoping nothing is at the bottom to get you. I really don't know what to expect this time and I think because I have accepted that having little expectations and remaining open to what comes my way is the way to go, i'm pretty calm about my upcoming adventure. I know that this trip, unlike others in the past, will test me in new ways and push me out of my comfort zone.

Folks keep asking if i'm ready and I guess I can say that I am. I mean, my bags are packed. I have my passport and ticket, and sleeping pills for the flight. So in that sense, yes I am ready. Mentally i'm still trying to convince myself that I am really going to Nigeria and trying not to think how quickly the time will fly by. I looking forward to this new adventure and getting to know those that I will be interacting with during and hopefully after this adventure. I'm looking forward to making new friends, trying new foods, and seeing another part of the beautiful continent of Africa.

So until the next time that I write, which hopefully is sooner rather than later, keep me and the team i'm traveling with in your prayers (or thoughts, or whatever you do when you're trying to wish good things upon someone).

Love, love, love!

It's about that time...to celebrate!

In approximately 12 days I will be celebrating yet another milestone...my 27th birthday! If you go back to blogs from this time last year, you will know that my birthday is my favorite holiday. This year is extra special as I will be celebrating my birthday stateside for the first time in 3 years (now that may not seem important but I can re-cap past birthdays abroad and let's just say they were memorable just not what I hoped to be doing). So after running through all the possible things that I could be doing for my birthday, I decided not to plan anything for the actual day and instead see how things fall into place.

I use this time to reflect on the past year, reviewing the lessons that have been learned and figuring out the goals I have for the new year. Although this year has been a rollcoaster of transitions and figuring out the right balance that keeps me from going insane, I have recognized that two lessons from this past year have stuck out the most for me. The first lesson, is letting go. You see I have this issue with control. Not so much over other people, but over me. I like to be spontaneous but at the same time have some sort of plan of action. I like surprises but I like being prepared for them. This control I believe has allowed me the certain level of success I have had this far but it has also taken the joy out of letting life happen. And let's be honest, I have a pretty sweet life filled with a lot of different opportunities that present themselves just as I am ready to take them on, so there really is no reason for me to feel that things won't work out. They always have. After becoming aware of this particular issue, I have consciously been telling myself to just accept things as they are and have faith that things will work out as they are supposed to. So tying back to my birthday and not making plans for the day, well, whatever is supposed to happen will happen. I know that i'm capable of making the most of it and I know that I will. 27 is all about living and enjoying life to the fullest and I want to start it off leaving behind this little "control" issue.

The other lesson I have learned is how not to let someone else rain on the sunshine parade you're in. You see, despite all the ups and downs this year, this year has been pretty fucking awesome. I got some good travel in-my first trip to Puerto Rico (a top five on my list of places to travel) and my first vacation without having to think about something that I have to do when it's over, I have met some good friends and strengthened some relationships with old friends, I have become comfortable with the person I am becoming while recognizing that my being is constantly being evolved and only I have the power to change things, I have learned how to let go when it comes to dating-at one point this was a priority but the more I tell myself that I need to live the life I want to live and all else will fall into place including this, the more it falls from the top of the priority list and good things have been happening there too. Despite my life being good, sadly some of those around me have been experiencing difficult times as they go through their own transitions and experiences. I wish I could make life easier for them, I wish I could help them overcome the difficulties they are facing or give them the perspective I have when it approaching certain situations but I can't. I have realized that just as I have, they have to figure out how to overcome their issues themselves, they have allow themselves the happiness they deserve and until they're ready to do that there's not much I can do but provide a listening ear, encouraging words, and love and to continue living life. Everyone goes through their own issues and I can attest to that, but i'm in a good place and i'm not going to let someone take that from me. Going back to the lesson learned from last year, do not be afraid to let your own happiness be a priority...mine is and i'm holding on to it because it's a pretty damn good place to be.

So there you have it folks. 27 is going to be a good year, I can feel it.

Now and Later...

It's been awhile since I have been able to write anything. I never have a shortage of things to write about, but when a topic pops up in my head, I usually don't have a computer nearby or the time to thoroughly think it through and write it out. I'm taking a little break from the end of semester things to write. In just a few short weeks I will have completed my degree. Well, actually by Wednesday I would have completed my last graduate assignment ever. With graduation looming about and the endless streams of questions about what next, i'm not really sure how I am supposed to feel. You see up until this point I had some sort of direction of where I wanted to be and what I wanted to be doing. I knew that when I graduated Vanderbilt the next step was Peace Corps and I knew that when I was in Peace Corps the next step was grad school. Now with grad school coming to a close, that next step is a bit hazy seeing as I'm not really sure what it is I want to do mostly because of the fact that I have options of what I can be doing. I can teach, passed my praxis with flying colors and will have my DC teaching license in a few shorts weeks. I can go into non-profit work similar to what I am doing now, or I can stick with development do that. I realized that given my varied interests, doing consultant work would be ideal. It will allow me to work within the various fields that I have an interest in without making a full commitment to any one thing. I have been fortunate enough to have employment with decent pay through the end of July and the hours I still have at the shelter (not sure how they will change once we move). I'm not in the I need a job right now phase and can take my time applying to places and not feel the pressure just yet. I'm happy that I will have a bit of a break during this transition to find my footing again and get to enjoy life without school looming over my head. As I prepare for the next chapter, I revisited some goals I set for myself 3 years ago while in the Peace Corps. I'm extremely proud of how far I have come and i'm looking forward to what will come next....

My goals (created 3 years ago)
Being my own boss and running my own non-profit that focuses on educational programming for girls and women in sub-Saharan Africa. (In-progress)
I will get my Masters from American University in International Training and Education (Done)
I will work for some sort of Govt. agency or NGO that does programming similar to my end goal so I can make sure i'm financially stable before jumping into my own thing (In progress)
Will find or be found by a loving partner(He would have to be supportive of my goals) have a beautiful commitment ceremony on the beach somewhere and then some children (In progress)
My family and I will split our time between the beautiful continent of Africa and America.
Be loved, happy, and fulfilled. (In-progress)
See as much of the world as I can, make as many new friends as I can, love with all I can, be happy for as long as I can (In-progress)
Design beneficial education programs for marginalized populations all over the world (In progress)

Finally....Peace and Clarity

If you couldn't tell by a few of my last blog posts, i've been a bit overwhelmed. Ok, not a bit but a lot. A lot more overwhelmed then I think I have ever been. Things usually come easy, or I can easily roll with the punches but this time around, it's been harder to just roll with it. There were so many things on my plate to think about, more especially the next step including my career, relationships, where i'll be when. I always have some sort of plan but lately, this plan that I created I found myself questioning it a lot. Trying to determine whether the plan I was creating was the right plan for me. I realized that a lot of this conflict stemmed from not wanting to let those around me down and a lot of where society expects me to be and how it expects me to be. There are some things that I can be certain about...Yes, I will make my way back overseas. I'm not going to lie, I feel out of place here. My thought process, my attitude toward life just in general, the states is home but doesn't feel like home and i'm not going to lie to myself about that. I'm not in a hurry to get back overseas though. There are relationships here that I would like to nurture more and there are things here that I would still like to do. How long will I be in DC? At least a year if not 2 or 3 or 4. Now that i'll be graduating, I will have a lot more time on my hands to enjoy this city and more than just the night life. I find that I enjoy a city so much more when the stress of a student is gone so i'm looking forward to that chapter ending and beginning the next chapter...here in DC.

In terms of my career, well, I've been a spoiled brat when it comes to this. Who complains about having too many opportunities? I mean no one is knocking down my door, but giving my experiences I'm in a better place than a lot of people when it comes to securing some type of employment. I'm allowing myself to be picky and find the opportunity that looks like the right fit for me. Although I would enjoy going back to teaching, DC is not an easy place to do it and although I will (hopefully) be fully licensed here, I want to make sure that the school and placement are the right fit for me as well so we will see where I end up in September.

For now, i'm going to stop and smell the roses. I have a couple more months left in being a student and although life has been stressful, it hasn't been all that bad. Time to enjoy! :)

The things I carry.

It's that time of year, when we begin to transition from winter to spring and for some this may include some serious spring cleaning. I have a habit of acquiring more things than I need and every year I find myself getting rid of a huge pile of things and giving away a huge pile of clothes. Although at the time of purchase or acquisition the item seemed like it fulfilled a need but over time it like others would just accumulate dust in the back of the closet, in my bookshelf or under the bed. I try to live as minimally as possible and with the things that I need and use...consistently. So as I look around once again and figure out what will be donated or thrown away, I know for sure there are a few things that I could never get rid of. These things contain the memories that will be carried with me on every step of my journey.

If you're like me, you have a few possessions that have a special meaning and enhance your life in some sort of way. In the last week or so, I found myself looking through these possessions, figuring out just what they mean to me and why I choose these items opposed to others to hold on to. These items, have traveled around the world with me (ok I haven't made it around the world but they have seen me through two stints in Africa). These prized possessions are a crooked cross, brown journal, a book from my mom and little red heart. These possessions have entered my life at various times and carry a level of importance that I can hopefully articulate here. If not, just know they're really, really, really important to me. You see, the first thing I acquired was the crooked cross. I received this as a gift from my first job out of undergrad. It was given to me at my final staff meeting as I was getting ready to relocate back to Chicago to relocate to Malawi. Now I knew ahead of time that I would be receiving this as it was tradition for them to give a cross to an individual who was departing that represented their character and role at the shelter. The cross a representation of how imperfect but perfectly unique we all are as individuals is a reminder to see all for the imperfect perfectly unique individual they are. It reminds me to approach all with compassion, care, and kindness as we all are different but special in our own way. I find this to be significant with the work that I do, I interact with people from all walks of life (both in my domestic work and international work) and if I was unable to appreciate the gifts they bring and the individual they are, I would have a hard time understanding and trying to serve them.

The next being a brown journal, this journal has gotten me through some of my most uninspired, unmotivated, saddest days. You see, this journal was a gift from a friend that was given to me just prior to my departure to Malawi. At a farewell party this journal was passed around to those who were present to sign their well wishes as I embarked on a new journey. Although the relationships with some of the people who wrote in the journal have changed over time it still feels good to know there are people who believe in me and the work I do just as much as I do. Over the years I have acquired more messages and notes that I keep in the journal and any day that I need a little pick me up, I open my journal and read through those messages all over again.

Another forever keepsake is a book given to me by my mom just before I left for Malawi. Actually she snuck it in my suitcase and I discovered it in Philly my last night in the states. She inscribed a message on the front cover that went a little something like this: "My Dearest Courtney, ...I hope that you never forget your worth to me, the world and most importantly to yourself" Anytime I start doubting my worth, anytime I hit a road bump that has me questioning myself, I read this message then I read the book and become empowered to keep pushing, keep smiling, and keep being the best that I can be.

 Last but not least is a little gift I picked up while in Kenya. A little red heart. I actually picked up two, one to carry with me wherever I go and one to leave at home (and to give to someone much deserving of it). I've stated this before and will state it again I love love. I love giving, I love receiving and I love witnessing it. This little red heart keeps me ground in love and reminds me to carry love wherever I go and share it with whomever I come in contact with.

When I think of these things that I carry, particularly the little red heart, I feel like anything is possible.

All over

This morning I received an email from one of my bosses asking for something i've been working on for her by this afternoon. I'm good with deadlines but this particular deadline was for Wednesday and I'm still waiting to get some input (from her) before I can finish the assignment. It will get done but now i'm up at 9am on my day off getting work done before my mom arrives to pick me up. My brother's girlfriend is coming in town today and I told my mom that we could do lunch, then the gf and I will attend an event for my program before we hit dinner then I retire to my bed as I have an exam in the morning. Thinking about all of this is a bit overwhelming in the sense that I don't feel like I ever get time for myself. I do, I take that back, when i'm riding the bus, walking down the street or sleeping in my bed alone. Not sure how much that counts, but I really, really, really like myself and I really, really like to be alone...sometimes. I spend a lot of time trying to be the best daughter, sister, aunt, friend, worker that I can be. I listen, I laugh, I love, I believe in giving 100% even if that means I have to put myself to the side for a bit. I don't do things because I feel that I have too, I do them because I want to and I want my friends, family to feel that they have someone they could always go to.  I think I do a good job at all the different roles but I wish sometimes people, especially the ones I'm closest too, understood better just what I go through, how much weight I carry on my shoulders compounded by my own internal issues. I work in a field where I see and deal with some of the most heartbreaking things everytime I walk in the door (I've got stories), I have been witness to someone of the most difficult things any one person should ever have to experience, but I do it and get through it because I believe I have a gift to carry and share that burden with others. When I say internal, I don't mean illness or mental issues, just sorting throgh what is going on in my life. I'm getting ready to start a new chapter, i'm transitioning and i've never been that good with transitions. I'm slowly learning to get all the voices out of my head except my own (no i'm not schizo but talking about society and family) to figure out just what I want, i'm trying to focus on me, my wants, my needs but sometimes that's hard to do with all the layers, all the roles that I play in my life.

It's a catch 22, I love the role I play in the lives of others, just wished sometimes, I could take off all of those hats, just be and think about me. Selfish I know...but I think I deserve it.

Sorry for the rant, just a bit overwhelmed and as I sort through everything as I begin this transition to a new chapter, more and more things become clear. I'm on a journey, i'm on my way. To where, who knows....

Conversations with a Cab Driver

After work last night I decided to meet up with a couple of friends for some late night sushi and conversation. Since I decided that I wanted to do my shopping for the week before I had to be at work the next morning, I did not make it a late night and left around 1:15am. Aware of the time and the time I was planning on waking up, I hailed a cab instead of waiting for the last 80 bus of the night. A couple cabs came, actually I let about 5 pass me before hailing a cab just because the other drivers looked a bit sketch and having a few run ins with sketch drivers I decided to follow my instinct and wait for the right one. So I hop in the cab and as I always do, share a greetings, check to see how the driver's day went and as we exchanged a few pleasantries about music, where we were from and what constitutes calling a place you're hometown etc.. and then cab driver began sharing his story. He was from VA, grew up in DC and had his fair share of run-ins with the law which resulted in him spending a good portion of his youth and young adult years in and out of prison. He then informed me that at 50, he went back and got his G.E.D and was planning on attending graduation in June. Having worked with adult learners in several different environments, I have witnessed how difficult it can be to return to school after so many years and finish. When he told me this, I naturally told him I was proud of him because I was, it's a big deal to return to school after over 30 years and complete and compete with those much much younger than you. Although my words, a natural reaction when someone accomplishes something and didn't mean much to me, meant a lot more to him. See after our 35 minute conversation (mind you I was only 7 minutes from my house) he told me that although people congratulated him and said they were happy that he did it, he never had anyone say they were proud of him and because I did he could truly look at his accomplishment with pride. When I went inside and began winding down for bed, I couldn't help but replay the conversation in my head and then think about the power of words. Something so simple as saying your proud of someone, or asking about someone's day, or sharing other kind words can have a profound effect on the individual and their own perception of self. We may not see them as important, but we never know and will never know sometimes.

Of course I was touched that he informed me of the impact of my words and although sometimes it can be easy to use words to tear down others, i'm going to do my best to be conscious of the power of my words and use them to uplift others.

Crossroads

I've spent the past couple of days in FL (not so sunny this time around) with my bestfriend. She has relocated here for work and as she transitions to a new position and place to live, I can't help but think about my own position in life at the moment. I just submitted a milestone for my graduate project, meaning in just a couple of months I will be the master of something (depsite feeling there is so much more to learn). I have been conflicted on the next step and as I get this question over and over again, "what are you going to do next?" I confidently rattle off the two big plans I have and hope for while secretly supressing the other plan that is and always will be a possibility. As stated in the last post, i'm designing an education program for the shelter I work for. This program and the opportunity to implement this program has been something I have been sending into the universe with the hopes that it will become a reality. Although I'm excited about the aspect of teaching, particulary some of the more challenging students, my stomach does flips thinking about the opportunity to not only teach but to design, to create, to make change. I'm trying not to set my hopes too much on this job at the shelter becoming a reality because if it doesn't happen i'll be disappointed. I always like to keep a plan or two in my back pocket just in case and I will gladly step into a classroom on the first day of school as Ms.Wright and do what I can and give all that I can to my students. But something keeps telling me to just hold on because something is coming my way, I just need to be patient.

The other plan that has not really been mentioned and something that I have not really stated aloud is returning to Africa. A shocker for some and may be not, but something that is always and will always be an option and very viable option in my book. I know that I will go back one day, I know that my time here is only temporary but how temporary I have no idea at the moment. I may stay a year, 5 years, or 10 at this point all I know is that I will return one day, ready to embrace all the beauty that is there, the warmth in the sun and people, the contentment and peace once felt that i'm slowly creating here. So right now, i'm at a crossroads. What will be the next step, which door will open and where will I be led. Staying attunded to signs and feelings presented, something tells me i'll be in D.C just a little bit longer.

Excited.

I love what I do. If you're like most people in my life, you're not quite sure what it is I do and therefore have no idea of what I love. I love being in the field of education, more especially being able to design education programs that open up access to more opportunities for an individual that may not have access or were given limited access. As part of my masters I have been given the opportunity to design a project that I am passionate about and shows the skills I have acquired during my graduate experience. For someone who has only been in this field for a brief period of time, I am proud of the portofolio I have created and that I am creating. I have designed a range of programs that address various issues. I've designed programs for rural girls in Malawi, GBV(gender based violence) victims and communities affected by it in the eastern Congo, programs for Sudanese (particulary South Sudanese) refugees and IDPs (internally displaced people), female juvenile offenders and the list goes on. I have always been excited to be given the opportunity to examine an issue then figure out feasible solutions to those issues and design a program that addresses those issues. So why am I excited now? My current project (as mentioned, for my masters) is challenging and fun and exciting and gives me butterflies just thinking about the possibilities of this project and how I can take this project from paper to life. So what is this project that has me so hot and bothered? I'm designing an educational/job readiness/life skills program for the women's shelter I currently work for. I have been at this shelter for a little over a year (minus my time in S.Sudan) and something I have noticed is there is not a lot of program offerings for our residents that will help them transition into their next step. Now, i'm not saying that my shelter doesn't do what they're supposed to do, but given resources and what's already available in DC in terms of programs for homeless adults, my shelter focuses it efforts elsewhere. BUT we are moving and expanding our program which will result in an increase in residents. As we expand it time for us to expand our program offerings to become a more comprehensive shelter that approaches our residents from a more holistic manner.

There is a lot of work ahead of me to get this program done in time for my class deadlines but more especially making sure I hand over the best quality project I could to my shelter. I'm swimming in the work, but it makes it a lot easier that it's something i'm excited to be doing.


(My fingers are crossed that I will be the person to actually implement the actual program once the time comes).

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.....super excited!

Back in the game.

When it rains it pours they say, I believe it except when you have control over the rain. It no longer is rain but a shower and you determine the pressure, the temp, and the length of time it lasts. I knew that when I was sick, that would be my final hurrah to really relax and not doing anything because the shower is on, hard, warm, and long. As I create sticky notes on my computer to remind me of all the impending deadlines I have coming up, meetings I have to attend and social activities to keep my sanity, I realized that no one in their right mind would do something like this to themselves. In the next month I have to prepare for an exam, write a proposal for a dual degree masters program to hopefully be implemented at the university I attend, conduct an assessment and analysis of education/life skills programs for homeless women, conduct surveys and write up the rationale for the education/life skills program I am creating for the shelter I work for in addition to writing up an assessment of current offerings in the area and to top it off I still have another class I have to do work for and 3 part time jobs (don't ask).

I called my mom telling her how i'm going to miss not sleeping 7-8 hours a night and she told me to suck it up basically (got to love the honesty). She then went on to tell me she did it with 4 kids, a home to manage and a full time job and that I have done it before so this is no different and that I can and will do it.

So I sit here with color coded sticky notes starring at me with a smile on my face. Although I have one heck of a month ahead of me, i'm doing and working on things i'm passionate about and things that will help me progress in my career. So....

Let the games begin!

Taking a break

So as I type, i'm sick....again. This is the 2nd time in 3 months that I have had a knock me out cold/flu and although I would like to blame it on the population I work with, I can't put it all on them. See this is unusual seeing as i've been sick twice in the last 3 years. My immune system is rock solid but obviously something keeps penetrating it and I think i've figured it out. Trusting the signs that are put in front of me I can only assume that this is God way of saying slow down, take a breather, catch your bearings and get ready because what is about to happen is going to have you hit the ground running so fast, so hard that there won't be time for breaks. I know this is the case and as much as I want to pick up and begin doing some work while I lay in bed with a clouded head (a combo of the illness and the meds) something keeps telling me to wait, be patient because all that needs to get done will still be there tomorrow and will get done then.

Lately I have been stressing myself out with all that needs to get done along with a few other things. Being sick and not really capable of doing much has given me a good amount of time to think, straighten out all the loose wires and figure out just what it is I need to do. I was looking for full time work, finishing up licensure requirements for teaching, applying to teaching positions, working on my Capstone project (which is a project that shows the skills I have acquired in grad school, must pass with a B in order to graduate),an education assessment and program design for an organization that works with children in Nigeria, and having a social life including time with friends and dating. As I read all of that, whew! It's makes me tired and made me realize that I need to cut out some things. So the full-time job search was the first thing to go. I have 2 part-time jobs currently and may pick up a temporary part-time job for a month. My bills including rent are paid up so I have until September or so to really start worrying about it (besides the no healthcare aspect). So financially i'm set and comfortable with where I am now. I technically have until the beginning of the school year to get my license, I won't until the last minute but that has been pushed back slightly in my priorities. My deadline for the Nigeria project has been pushed back as well, leaving the capstone and teacher application the two things remaining. Capstone is ongoing and as long as I dedicate a significant amount of time to it weekly I should be good and the teacher application opens tomorrow so I hope to submit that by the end of the week and have it off of my plate. I'm still finding that balance with my social life and everything else, dating is not a priority for sure. If it happens it happens but I obviously don't have all that much time to devote to any one individual or trying to nurture a relationship. It's all coming together, finally. There's a clear direction and some logical steps to follow. My mind is no longer swimming all over the place and now has a central focus...phew. Going to enjoy have a legitimate excuse for not doing anything, back to being sick until tomorrow when the fun begins!

10 Things I Want To Say To A Black Woman by Joshua Bennett

so powerful.

From my heart to my mind to you.

So i've been scratching my head on what I should write. I asked a couple friends and although I didn't receive many responses, one friend told me to " write whatever is in your heart." Now for me, whatever is in my heart, tends to be on my mind as well. I've been thinking a lot about the whole dating thing, why I am still single, where will I be employed next, what makes me happy, what is my purpose and how i'm going to change the world. So seeing as all this is going on upstairs and in there, I figured I would write about all of them. Whatever comes to my mind as a message from the heart and hopefully, a level of clarity is reached when i'm done. So, hope you're ready because here it goes.

Dating.
Now this is new to me. I'm a serial relationship type person. One relationship to another but after being out of a relationship for close to year, I have become quite comfortable in my role as dater. I have also come to realize that dating is essential in figuring out if someone is worth being in a relationship with you. My rule when it comes to dating have become rather defined over time. Intimacy is something that happens at the right time and shouldn't be rushed into. Dates at this point of the game are a dual arrangement therefore both parties should be prepared to carry their own weight ( i.e initiating conversation, outings, and payment of outing). Although I have always been quick to divulge too much of myself, my story, I think its good to ease into it and ease into letting a person know what makes you unique. Most importantly, dating is meant to be fun. If both people are clear in their intentions then it leaves a whole lot of space for fun. Have a good time and worry about the rest when it presents itself.

Now for women, we often times go into competition mode when we know that the person we are interested in is still dating others. A) you're not together so chill out. B) If you think highly of yourself you realize that there is no competition. We all have gifts to give to this world and we all bring are own unique self to those we interact with, if you're dating why limit yourself to just one, particulary if the person you're interested is not. Dating is like picking fruit, you pick up a few (or several) check them out, realize its not what you want, put it down, do the same thing over until you find the one you do want. A man that is dating others should not be a threat to you, if you know you have a lot to offer someone and just as much as he is determining whether you're what he wants, you should be doing the same. Do not wait to get picked, go out and do the picking!

Why am I still single?
Easy, God has an amazing man that will be presented (or has/is) to me when I am ready to receive them in that way. I have things to work on for myself, my career, my personal development goals, and my plot to take over the world so in the meantime, i'll take my time to develop myself to be the woman I want to be and be patient for that moment to come, enjoying the road along the way.

Future employment
I'm well aware of the holes in my experience. Project management, grant management, teaching (in a traditional classroom). I'm confused as to which direction I should take in filling these holes, but i'm open to any new learning experience that may come about. I have a lot of faith that where I will end up is where I am supposed to be and I have faith that if it doesn't work out where I end up another door will be opened. For now, i'm seeking employment in any of the fields that will plug up the holes that I have. I have to remind myself that at 26, I have extensive experience and I know by 30 I'll be on fire...watchout!

What makes me happy?
Orange roses. Random acts of kindness. Positive energy. Smiles. Family. Friends. Freedom. Faith. Love. Hope. Health. Sharing. Compassion. Passion. Laughter. Pineapples. Animals. Traveling. My Curly Hair. Friendly People.Random conversations with strangers. Life. My Life.

My purpose and how i'm going to change the world
These two should be in a blog of their own. I know that I was blessed with the heart that I have to do something to bring love, peace, and happiness to others. In what capacity I am not sure, but I do my best in my day to day interactions to bring that to those I interact with. I know i'm going to change the world even if its just the one I live in.

Being a twin.

On June 8, 1985 at 8:18am a beautiful baby girl weighing in at 7lbs 11 oz entered the world. This beautiful baby was me and at that moment all was right in the world. For a whole two minutes my birth was the most glorious thing to happen for the people witnessing it. I had a whole 120 seconds to myself. Most children get a few hours, days, or years to have the light shine upon them. I had two minutes because my twin brother would make his entrance and steal the light from me. Ok, he didn't steal it, we just had to "share" it. I'm sure, knowing how I am, I was hoping that he would go back to where he came from, but alas, not the case and we had to continue sharing the moment and the rest of our lives, as twins. I think that sharing comes easily to twins because we never had a moment that we weren't sharing. From conception to now, we are and always will be apart of a pair. Twins. Like a club that everyone wants to be apart of but doesn't quite understand what comes with being in this club. Having to share toys, friends, and birthdays! The one day that is supposed to be about you, you have to share with sometimes the person who annoys you the most. Being a twin can be hard work, it can be draining and at times you may wish that for a moment you aren't apart of an automatic pair. Being a twin is nothing like being married because when you are a twin you don't get to choose your partner, your partner automatically shows up and you just have to deal. Answering questions about being a twin can be tiresome, like you're some type of weird science experiment that went wrong. Questions like "do you feel his pain?" (NO) "do you know what eachother is thinking?"(NO) or my favorite "what's it like being a twin?"(See below) Well, i'm sure it's nothing like being a single child who never had to share a birthday.

Despite all of this, surprisingly, I would never give up being a twin or my twin brother for anything in the world.

See what people don't know about being a twin is that you come into the world with a friend. Someone you had an extensive time to conduct one-on-one interview with to determine whether or not they're worthy of your friendship (ok that's not proven but i'm sure twins talk while sharing that crammed space and i'm sure the conversation may fall along the lines of "can you move your hand its cutting off my food supply" or "what should we do when we bust out of this joint?"). My twin brother, is not just my brother but my friend. He is the one person I know will always be there, will never judge me and always give me his honest opinion. I mean come on, who wouldn't feel comfortable doing so after spending so much time together initially? My twin brother and I are complete opposites, in a good way. We even live on opposite sides of the country! Even though there is a time difference and several miles separating us, we are still close. He is the first person I call when I'm making a big decision that i'm unsure of how my mom would handle and vice versa.We are able to learn from eachother and provide a perspective that is different than our own. We have an understanding that I know I don't share with my other siblings. My twin brother is one of my favorite people in this world, he inspires me and I am grateful that it is him that I have to share this life with. So to answer the question of what's like being a twin, well, it something wonderful that can't be explained. Being a twin to me is just as normal as being a girl, being biracial, and being intelligent and beautiful(yeah I threw that in there), it's natural and honestly I don't know what it's like not being one so I can't really compare it to anything. One thing i'm sure of I wouldn't change it for anything in the world.

Of course I was the cuter one... :)

My favorite girls!

My nieces and I while I was in Chicago in October (2011).

Reflections

Like many, the new year is one of my favorite times of the year. Actually, the new year next to my birthday (which is conveniently shared with someone else) IS my favorite time of year. I think quite a bit, i'm always thinking; sometimes about perplexing life situations other times about random things I perceive while walking up the street or people or whatever pops up at the moment. I am always thinking. Sometimes I think way to much, over analyzing, breaking it down piece by piece moment by moment to understand what lesson is being presented, what is it that I need to know. Anyway, the reason why I love new years (and my birthday which is 6 months after) so much is the focus put on reflection. Sometimes we make it through life, going through the motions without actually thinking about how those motions have created our lives to be what they are and how a change, any change, in those motions can change the lives we are creating. I love reflecting and next to thinking of random things, I am often reflecting on something I've done, something i've said, something i've thought, to gain a better understanding and sometimes appreciation for whatever happened in those moments. We all have things that can be approved upon, we all have things that we need to learn and sometimes we are our own best teachers. Reflecting allows us to learn what was done well or what needs to be changed. I'm a big fan of looking at lessons learned (I have  a previous post on them) and as a new year is beginning, I would like to look at the lessons learned in the previous year.

1. Never give with the expectation of receiving something in return. This goes for anything. I hate when people complain about giving someone a dollar that is begging because they think they're going to spend it on alcohol or drugs. Ummm...if you are that worried, then don't give and don't say anything. We have no idea what that person is going to do and once you give something to someone its theirs. Don't worry about that dollar, you gave it for a reason and once it has left your hands, its time to let go of thoughts of what it may be used for. This also goes for love. Love everyone freely, with no reservations and you would be surprised at the amount of love you receive in return without having to ask. We all know i'm a sucker for love and all that jazz and I have no problem letting people know I like, care, love, appreciate (whatever action word) them. I do not do this to get some type of reaction in my favor out of them, my own personal validation is not based on how others feel about me and I enjoy the feeling of being able to put a smile on the face of someone else. Pass the love on!

2. Be patient. This past year has taken me all over (literally and figuratively). My ideas of just where I am headed were across the board and I just wasn't sure what exactly it is that i'm going to do, I just wanted to do it and be doing it...now. There is a process for everything. Nothing happens overnight and there may be sometime before a plan becomes an action. As stated in lessons learned, don't be afraid to go after what you want...and wait patiently for it to come. There are several things I want, I want to be my own boss. I want to change the world, I want a wonderful husband, I want stability, love, peace and happiness. All things that I want, I believe will happen...in time. As for now, I need to enjoy the road that is leading me to all that I want, take the necessary steps to getting what I want and to be patient through it all because everything has always worked itself out...and often times in my favor :)

3.Keep the faith. My experience in S.Sudan was extremely discouraging on several levels. I didn't realize this until after the fact and this experience almost pushed me away from what I am passionate about that was until I realized that its just one experience in many and one bump of many to throwing me off my path. I am a firm believer in faith and holding on to ones faith to get through difficult, sometimes hard to understand situations. I use my faith as guidance when navigating through difficult situations, knowing that wherever i'm led i'm supposed to be there. I have been led to where I am and one bump in the road is not going to throw me off my path; that bump may create a new path to be followed and i'm ok with that.

4. Trust your instincts. This goes hand in hand with faith. If you have faith that where you are being led is where you are supposed to be, then you will have no problem trusting your instincts. Instincts, I believe are God's way of telling you where he wants you to go.Trust it, appreciate the lessons presented and know that wherever the end is you're supposed to be there.

5. Take risks. Do not be afraid to take a risk if your instincts are telling you to. Yeah you may fall flat on your face or the end may not have been what you expected or hoped for, but there's a lesson there you are meant to learn. Everything happens for a reason.