Tuesday, March 29, 2011
It's just not that serious...
I believe it. Everything is just not that serious. I mean it is all in the perspective you take but I try my best not to allow anger, sadness, or something else that is trivial to keep me from doing what I need to do. Sometimes when someone says something or does something that may cause us discomfort we tend to let it stew, but really, it's just not that serious. Relax and enjoy life.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Ho hum...
My mind has been swimming lately. I'm overwhelmed. I look at my workload, although it is manageable, I for some reason can't figure out how to manage it. This whole Sudan thing has really thrown me off. I'm excited, i'm nervous, i'm ready to hop on a plane and do the damn thing. But since i've busy thinking about Sudan, i'm having a hard time converting my attention to what I need to do now. Every morning I wake up hopeful that I will be back in the present, living and enjoying only to allow my mind to wander off as the day proceeds. My mind wanders to all that I need to do. Find a subletter for the summer while i'm gone, quit my job, finish my work, tie up any lose ends. I should be use to this, hell, I was a Peace Corps Volunteer but for some reason that feels totally different then it does now. With PC I knew it would be an extensive time that I would be gone. With this temporary assignment I have to do all that I did to prepare for my PC experience plus think about what I would do upon my return. UGH! I need a day to get it together. Too bad I don't have a day to spare.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Peace Corps Memory....
Sisters in Senga (Senga Bay, Malawi). A 4 day girls empowerment camp held at the lake.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Conflicted
Last night I felt the urge to revisit my thoughts while in Malawi. I pulled out the 2 journals I kept during my time there and began a time warp back to those moments. I laughed at points when I can see a bit of my anti-malarials causing me to emphasize a certain mood. I was transported back to the moments that I thought, I wrote those words and It opened a pandoras box of thoughts and reflections. I have been in a reflective mood lately. I'm not really sure what brought it about but I find myself going back and reading and re-reading previous blog posts, old journal entries, reliving old thoughts and remembering the moments that those thoughts came to life. It's been an interesting ride so far. In 3 months I'll hit the big 2-6! and if you know me birthdays are a) my favorite holiday b) the best time to reflect on the year and figure out what steps need to be taken in the year(s) to follow to ensure that you get the most out of life. It's been an interesting almost 26 years, full of ups and downs. I know I'm on the up now as I stampede towards the future, creating the world that I want to live in. But there's something that is on my mind and marinating in the pit of my stomach. I'm anxious. Both about what's going on now and the future. I'm anxious that I have so much control over the outward aspects of my life but inside i'm all over the place. I'm anxious about things that I want coming to fruition. Just seems to good to be true sometimes. This summer I will be in S.Sudan, consulting with a fairly large humanitarian aid organization. I'm scared shitless! I put it out there. I'm not scared so much about my life and security things, i'm scared from the fact that this is something I put out in the universe with the hopes of it happening and it appears to actually be happening(I will be more confident about it happening when tickets are in hand). Man, i've have been one blessed individual. People keep telling me about the manifestation of one's destiny, it's interesting because when I sent out an email to family/friends with the news about Sudan, one response was "You are magical in manifesting your path." At first I didn't give this much thought, you know, one of those "that was nice of them to say that" type responses. But then it hit me. I don't know if i'm good at manifesting my path because of the perspective I take i.e everything happens for a reason, or if it manifests because I put the energy out there for it to happen. Who knows, I can never say that I haven't been given golden opportunities, that's for sure. Anyway, back to the reflections. In all of this reflecting time, I have come to realize and kind of pinpoint the hardest things for me to deal with including some of the insecurities I have. People are pretty weary about putting insecurities out there, the fear of being that vulnerable to others, I do have my reservations, but when you put it out there for others to see, it makes it easier to deal with it because you not quite dealing with it by yourself any more.
You probably couldn't tell by the way I carry myself and how I present myself but I wear my heart on my sleeve. Love to me is something beautiful and I have been in love, am in love, and will always see myself in love. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for my family or friends. I always say that you have 2 types of friends, ones that will come pick you if you're stranded or ones that will help you brainstorm ways to get out of your situation. I pride myself on knowing that I'm one that will come pick you up. I love so much something that it can be quite difficult when a relationship moves on. People can't stay in your life forever and it can be difficult for me to know what once was is no more. I tend to move on quickly because I know that what it was it can't be anymore, but still part of me wishes that it could always be.
I'm all over the place. I believe in living life to the fullest, carpe diem and all that jazz. I will never pass up an opportunity that will expose me to something that I may not have been all that aware of before. I'm always tempted to hop on a plane, go somewhere(where I may or may not know a soul) and explore. There have been several instances in the past 6 months that I was one click and submit away to going somewhere.There is so much to see in this world and I have a hard time being confined to the walls that reality has built. What's holding me back? Why don't I? Well, I guess that is simple. I don't want to be forgotten. I have family and friends who are a bit more static then I and although I tend to be all over the place, I don't want to be left behind on the milestones in their lives. I missed out on 2 years of the lives of my nieces, 2 years I can't get back. When other people are making memories with loved ones, I have found myself watching from afar. It gets hard forming new relationships only have to turn around and say goodbye. But yet I seem to put myself through that over and over again. Although i'm creating memories for myself, it's really trying to find that balance and really find out what i'm willing to compromise on. I know i'm a drifter. My attention span doesn't last long and once my interest has been lost, I move on. I guess its finding a way of having the best of both worlds, but we will see how that comes to fruition over time.
It's kind of contradictory to say what i'm about to say based on what has already been stated but my instability is an insecurity. I like stability, have a hard time with big life transitions, and have fleeting thoughts that I may set roots down somewhere. But the thirst to see the world clashes with this. I'm coming to realize that I have to create my own stability where I am but that can be difficult if you're not there long enough to make that happen.
I guess you can get a good grasp of what truly the problem is.... The largest insecurity I have is not knowing what it is that I want. Things change and they're always constantly changing. The more I see, the more I learn, the more I change. Having exposure to a larger world can be both a blessing and a curse because with that exposure comes more options and too many options can sometimes be a not so good thing. I enjoy the fact that I have so many choices but not knowing where I may end up is kind of scary. I have to remind myself that i'm only 25 and that in time the answers will present themselves. I guess the conclusion I have come to is that I have a choice and those choices are going to have consequences, whether good or bad, and I have to deal with those consequences.
Really why am I telling you this? What will come of this? Nothing that I know of. Maybe you will get something out of it, maybe you won't. Who really cares? I know above every and anything happiness is key and if jetting off to Haiti is going to make me happy, i'm going to do it. We all have different insecurities and I think the biggest lesson to be learned is not allowing these insecurities to dictate how you manifest your destiny.
You probably couldn't tell by the way I carry myself and how I present myself but I wear my heart on my sleeve. Love to me is something beautiful and I have been in love, am in love, and will always see myself in love. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for my family or friends. I always say that you have 2 types of friends, ones that will come pick you if you're stranded or ones that will help you brainstorm ways to get out of your situation. I pride myself on knowing that I'm one that will come pick you up. I love so much something that it can be quite difficult when a relationship moves on. People can't stay in your life forever and it can be difficult for me to know what once was is no more. I tend to move on quickly because I know that what it was it can't be anymore, but still part of me wishes that it could always be.
I'm all over the place. I believe in living life to the fullest, carpe diem and all that jazz. I will never pass up an opportunity that will expose me to something that I may not have been all that aware of before. I'm always tempted to hop on a plane, go somewhere(where I may or may not know a soul) and explore. There have been several instances in the past 6 months that I was one click and submit away to going somewhere.There is so much to see in this world and I have a hard time being confined to the walls that reality has built. What's holding me back? Why don't I? Well, I guess that is simple. I don't want to be forgotten. I have family and friends who are a bit more static then I and although I tend to be all over the place, I don't want to be left behind on the milestones in their lives. I missed out on 2 years of the lives of my nieces, 2 years I can't get back. When other people are making memories with loved ones, I have found myself watching from afar. It gets hard forming new relationships only have to turn around and say goodbye. But yet I seem to put myself through that over and over again. Although i'm creating memories for myself, it's really trying to find that balance and really find out what i'm willing to compromise on. I know i'm a drifter. My attention span doesn't last long and once my interest has been lost, I move on. I guess its finding a way of having the best of both worlds, but we will see how that comes to fruition over time.
It's kind of contradictory to say what i'm about to say based on what has already been stated but my instability is an insecurity. I like stability, have a hard time with big life transitions, and have fleeting thoughts that I may set roots down somewhere. But the thirst to see the world clashes with this. I'm coming to realize that I have to create my own stability where I am but that can be difficult if you're not there long enough to make that happen.
I guess you can get a good grasp of what truly the problem is.... The largest insecurity I have is not knowing what it is that I want. Things change and they're always constantly changing. The more I see, the more I learn, the more I change. Having exposure to a larger world can be both a blessing and a curse because with that exposure comes more options and too many options can sometimes be a not so good thing. I enjoy the fact that I have so many choices but not knowing where I may end up is kind of scary. I have to remind myself that i'm only 25 and that in time the answers will present themselves. I guess the conclusion I have come to is that I have a choice and those choices are going to have consequences, whether good or bad, and I have to deal with those consequences.
Really why am I telling you this? What will come of this? Nothing that I know of. Maybe you will get something out of it, maybe you won't. Who really cares? I know above every and anything happiness is key and if jetting off to Haiti is going to make me happy, i'm going to do it. We all have different insecurities and I think the biggest lesson to be learned is not allowing these insecurities to dictate how you manifest your destiny.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)