Recently a friend recommended the book "Why You're Not Married...Yet" Although i'm not pressed on the issue, I figured I would humor myself and at least find out what it's all about. I mean, it did come highly recommended and all.
I purchased the book on my Kindle and began to read...and read...and read some more. I could not stop reading. Eventually I did because I had to go to bed but I couldn't help but reflect on all that I had read and looked forward to all that I would read. I thought it was going to be some lame book that pointed out all my flaws and how I would need to change who I am to attract a man that is worthy of me. It did that, but way past the getting a man level. This was a bonafide self-help book for all aspects of life. Given my constant desire to become the person I am destined to be, my desire to continue growing, and my love for reflection and recognition, I found this book to be pretty eye opening. Yes, I do have the desire to get married. To someone that I will be married to forever. No I do not want to get a divorce (being a product of divorce, I feel its a lot easier to be picky in the process and not end up in a hot mess of a relationship because of rushed actions). Yes, I do want to have a child (or children), and yes, I do want to live a fulfilling life that encompasses all the things that I desire (international travel, adventure, etc..). So why aren't I married? or on that path at this moment? Well, it's because I operate in this space of fear. Fear of being vulnerable. I know its a defense mechanism that has came about as a result of things experienced growing up and because of this fear I have become emotionally unavailable thus attracting emotionally unavailable men. I like to think that I am an open book, but that book happens to be a deep, deep, mystery that doesn't allow anyone to quite figure it out until they get too tired to try and figure it out and let it go. My fear is that my vulnerability will put me in a position for attack (not the physical kind). Attack that someone will know what buttons to push or will pull a trigger that will leave me in pain and pieces wondering how to get it back together again. My mom called me stoic growing up, I at the time didn't agree but when I look at things I am pretty stoic. I keep a calm face despite whatever calamities may be occurring. I think only one friend has heard me cry over something and that's just because if I cried in front of someone they would have ammo to use against me in the future. I guess it boils down to trusting that people who say they care, really do and opening myself to experience all the good, bad, and ugly that life may present and not just experience it but feel it too.
I have been doing a lot of meditation, praying, and setting my intentions to put me in a place where I am no longer fearful of being vulnerable. I trust myself enough to know that whatever may happen in life I am capable of dealing with it because nothing from my past has shown me otherwise. I have put out my desires into the universe and now i'm ready to continue on this path open for whatever it may bring.
I purchased the book on my Kindle and began to read...and read...and read some more. I could not stop reading. Eventually I did because I had to go to bed but I couldn't help but reflect on all that I had read and looked forward to all that I would read. I thought it was going to be some lame book that pointed out all my flaws and how I would need to change who I am to attract a man that is worthy of me. It did that, but way past the getting a man level. This was a bonafide self-help book for all aspects of life. Given my constant desire to become the person I am destined to be, my desire to continue growing, and my love for reflection and recognition, I found this book to be pretty eye opening. Yes, I do have the desire to get married. To someone that I will be married to forever. No I do not want to get a divorce (being a product of divorce, I feel its a lot easier to be picky in the process and not end up in a hot mess of a relationship because of rushed actions). Yes, I do want to have a child (or children), and yes, I do want to live a fulfilling life that encompasses all the things that I desire (international travel, adventure, etc..). So why aren't I married? or on that path at this moment? Well, it's because I operate in this space of fear. Fear of being vulnerable. I know its a defense mechanism that has came about as a result of things experienced growing up and because of this fear I have become emotionally unavailable thus attracting emotionally unavailable men. I like to think that I am an open book, but that book happens to be a deep, deep, mystery that doesn't allow anyone to quite figure it out until they get too tired to try and figure it out and let it go. My fear is that my vulnerability will put me in a position for attack (not the physical kind). Attack that someone will know what buttons to push or will pull a trigger that will leave me in pain and pieces wondering how to get it back together again. My mom called me stoic growing up, I at the time didn't agree but when I look at things I am pretty stoic. I keep a calm face despite whatever calamities may be occurring. I think only one friend has heard me cry over something and that's just because if I cried in front of someone they would have ammo to use against me in the future. I guess it boils down to trusting that people who say they care, really do and opening myself to experience all the good, bad, and ugly that life may present and not just experience it but feel it too.
I have been doing a lot of meditation, praying, and setting my intentions to put me in a place where I am no longer fearful of being vulnerable. I trust myself enough to know that whatever may happen in life I am capable of dealing with it because nothing from my past has shown me otherwise. I have put out my desires into the universe and now i'm ready to continue on this path open for whatever it may bring.
