It's the one day of the year that will either leave you feeling blissfully happy, angry, or indifferent. Yes folks, it's Valentine's Day. If you're like me, you're both happy and indifferent to this day. Happy because it's day that is being recognized for love and I love love, in all forms. Indifferent because really it's just another day, a part of another week, in a different month. Anyway, I choose to use this day to examine relationships that I have in my life. With all the books that are out these days about how to find a man, how to keep a man, how to think like a man, how to me be a better friend, how to have successful relationships with women, how to...you get it. There's a lot of how tos out here and really although there is some truth in the information that is presented in them, that information always seems distant. There is no real connection to the words, because there is no real connection to the person who is writing them. I love the people that surround me and I love hearing their experiences because in those experiences I am able to learn something. So I decided for this blog I would get some help from my friends.
A couple of weeks ago I sent out a mass email to a great group of women asking them to share with me their thoughts on relationships. I posed the question "What lesson(s) have you learned in your relationships (friends and romantic-you can decide what you choose to share) that you wished you known sooner? Or learned before?" Basically, what would you tell your younger self about relationships from the lessons you have learned. At first when writing the email I thought I wouldn't get any responses because let's face it, it's a little weird and awkward. But I was overwhelmed by the responses and loved reading them. There was a point I felt selfish because I was gaining all this wisdom from my friends and giving nothing in return. Well, I am. I keeping them anonymous but will share their words of wisdom with you in this blog.
So without further ado...
What every woman should know about relationships with men...
(Most) Men are very honest about who they are and their intentions up front. Often times they say pay attention to his actions more than his words, but his words are just as important as those actions. He will tell you directly what he wants and what he's looking for. ACCEPT IT. Not every man is meant to be your boyfriend, and not every man is meant to play a significant role in your life and that is ok. As one girlfriend put it..."Sometimes they're just meant to be a great love affair" I agree. Sometimes that man is simply put in your life to let you let your hair down and have a good time.
Which leads to my next point...don't compromise yourself. I am a firm believer that someone else can not complete you, they can enhance, but not complete. If you're not stable in who you are and complete on your own, then every man that comes into your life will compromise YOU. At first you will be ok with this, but then there will come a point when you won't be and when that point comes you will be unhappy. Every relationship is a give and take, a compromise, but keep that in mind, the relationship and actions to make that relationship work is the compromise, not you. Trust me, men will love you for who you are and if they don't then are they really worth keeping? This goes back to the previous one, if you know who you are and what you want, then you won't fall for the men that are not in it to win it. Know what you're willing to compromise and stick to that. Don't waiver and don't worry, when one leaves, there will be another on the horizon.
Know what you want from a man and do not be afraid to get the rest from your friends. I don't want to date someone that is my twin. I think it's quite healthy for people in a relationship to have their own interests and of course shared interests. I think this allows you to still be you while still in a relationship with someone. Sure my partner doesn't like eating exotic food, that's ok I have friends that do. Sure my partner prefers to go bowling instead of ice skating, that's ok I have friends that do. I'm not against having a partner that is on the opposite end of the spectrum that I am on as long as they are willing to meet in the middle and are open to exploring each others interests.
I am all about control and I think having control in a relationship is of course give and take, but make sure you know what you want out of the relationship. I like dating and courtship, I like a man that can communicate, I like a man that is good in bed (yes that is important), I like a man that brings out the best in me and see the good in me even on my bad days, I like a man that is respectful, I like a man that isn't afraid to tell me how he feels, I like a man that can compliment me, I like a man that is a good person. Some may say my expectations are pretty high or pretty low, but for me it works and it's important for you to find what works for you. If you like going to the movies and the man doesn't take you to the movies, then maybe he's not the one for you. Know what you want and don't compromise that. (Yes compromise is the buzz word here, compromising should be done in moderation!)
Not everyone is meant to be in your relationship. I try not to get into the nitty gritty of my relationships with my friends. Not that I don't trust them, I just think it's really none of their business what happens between my man and I. I have had my fair share of "great love affairs" that my friends don't know about and will probably never know about, not because I feel the need to hide something but because there is no reason discussing something that really is not a discussion. As women, I think its natural that we ask questions and want to offer up advice, but really how solid is that advice coming from someone who doesn't know the interaction between you and your partner? (unless the man is physically, mentally, or verbally abusive..that is a whole different story) Yeah I may mention something that has been done that upsets me in that moment, but every relationship has road bumps and sometimes you just want to let it out. As a friend, I try not to offer my advice. I may see something and wish that my friend is not with so and so but at the end of the day they have to come to that conclusion on their own. I ask questions to invoke thought, and if that person thinks about it and continues down whatever path that is their choice and not my own.
I can go on and on about relationships with men, but I think the biggest thing is knowing what you want, what you're willing to compromise, and not being afraid to stick to it.
It saddens me when women are afraid to be alone and therefore will take anything just to have something. This is where your perspective will have to change. Unless you have no female friends, do not be afraid to find fulfillment in other relationships around you. Friends! How we forget them when we're in love, but how they always know what to do to give you the support you need. Which leads me to the next topic...relationships with friends.
I love my friends. Luckily enough I have created a wide circle of girlfriends on all sides of the spectrum and I think there are several things that have led to the success of these friendships. Mutual support, mutual admiration, and similar thoughts towards friendships. So how to you get more of these types of relationships and let go of the others?
The same as a man presents himself to you, women do to. If a woman tells you she doesn't have female friends for xy and z reasons, well something tells me that you're not going to be her friend either, at least not for very long. We (speaking for women) always want to fix someone. If he's not a good man we will fix that, if she's not a good friend we will fix that. That mentality, as endearing as it is, never works. It never has. If a person presents themselves in a way you do not agree with, then make the right choice to exit stage left.
Friendships have ups and down. Sometimes I will talk to a friend everyday then suddenly life happens and I won't connect with that friend for months. A true friend knows and understands this and never holds it against you. Sometimes you won't agree with a friend on something. Does this disagreement prevent you from enjoying the other aspects of the relationship? Sometimes its so big that it does but often times it's not and something that can be moved past over time.
Know what you want out of a friendship and give the same in return. One sided friendships are no fun and some of you may be guilty for being a one sided friend. Take some time and think about all your friendship and ask yourself, "am I being a good friend? Do I call and see how so and so is doing? Do I always wait for so and so to ask me to hangout? etc.." Friendship is a two way street and requires effort to make it work.
Accept that a friendship was only meant to last a season and let it go. Not everyone is meant to be in our lives forever. Life will take you through many different twists and turns and friends will get on and get off during those various times. Don't force a friendship to happen. If it's meant to be it will be, if not, look at it like a great love affair. Something that served a purpose and that purpose was fulfilled.
Look for people that celebrate you. As women we are very quick to tear one another down. be downright evil for whatever stupid reason. Friends don't do that and you want to find people that see the best in you. If a friend is constantly tearing you down, saying things that are negative about you and what you're doing (unless your a street whore selling crack), then it's time to let them go. A real friend wants to see you succeed in life.
Again, I can continue writing but I won't. I guess what I find important is keeping the people who are right for you in your life and getting rid of the others. Know your worth in all your relationships and never compromise that. In the end you will be happier and so will the others around you.
On this day of love, I wish all of you lots of love and fulfillment. Thanks to those who contributed to this long winded blog and thanks to those who took the time to read my words.
Happy Valentine's Day!
XOXO
