Thanks for everything 2015!

Well folks we made it. We're in the final hours of 2015 and if you have read previous posts, my 2nd favorite holiday is upon us (my first being my birthday). I have completely dropped the ball on writing and now i'm sitting here just a few short hours before I'm scheduled to head out for my evening activities, trying to get my last thoughts of 2015 out before the new year begins. I struggled a bit trying to figure out just what I should write about and how to truly capture my thoughts towards 2015. I'm still not sure what will come out of this freestyle but alas, it really doesn't matter because like everything else, it will be left behind in 2015. Well... not exactly everything as there are some lessons that this past year has shared that I know will continue into the new year.

2015 was definitely my year. In more ways than one and although things did not always go as planned, they went as they were supposed to and as a result I have become a better person. When I look back at 2015, I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude. From turning 30 and being surrounded by a group of people who love and support me; to taking a 2 week solo trip through the middle east; to being honored by one of my favorite organizations with an award for doing work I enjoy; to embarking on a complete lifestyle change through yoga; to opening myself to giving and receiving love; to allowing myself to prioritize my happiness; to getting outside of my comfort zone and challenging myself to choose happiness over everything else; to honoring my worth and not settling for less than I deserve; to accepting life as it unfolds; to not worrying over things out of my control; to gaining control over the way I think; to recognizing my purpose and walking in it; to trusting myself and my judgment; to releasing the things/people who are not intended to continue walking with me on my journey; to nurturing relationships with those that are; to appreciating the gift of life and the beauty that is seen everyday; to not getting caught up in the craziness; to remaining true to me when it may have been difficult; to being still and enjoying that stillness; to being in the moment and appreciating it...I can go on but I won't. I have truly been blessed this year.

As I begin the transition into 2016, I have reflected on what I desire for the new year. I am not setting any resolutions because as I have learned to release control, I know that however I intend for this new year to go it will. Moving into the new year I affirm and I set the intention of acceptance. I will accept myself and I will accept others, even when feelings may desire otherwise. I affirm and set the intention of protection. As I continue to walk on my path may I be protected from all things and people that are not aligned with me serving my higher purpose. I affirm and set the intention of guidance. May I continue to be guided through life in a way that allows me to be purposeful, kind, compassionate, and loving. I affirm and set the intention of health. May I continue to prioritize my physical, emotional, and spiritual health. I affirm and set the intention of joy. May I continue to find joy through pain, joy in moments when it may appear there is none, joy in the struggle, and joy in the success. Lastly, I affirm and set the intention of love. May I continue to open my heart to giving and receiving love and may I be example to others of how to do the same.

With that being said, thanks 2015 for the wonderful memories, the blessings, and the lessons.

Come on 2016, i'm ready for you!

Feeling Free

That time of year has come where summer sunsets become fall sunrises and we no longer flutter about in the warm sunshine of the day but the crisp cool air of of a new season. A new season indeed. I usually dread when summer becomes fall, for several reasons including the colder weather and the colder weather..LOL It's also probably my most reflective time period (October to be exact...i'm sure we all have that month) but going into this new season, I feel free. I'm not sure I can really articulate how this feeling is but its like a lightness of being where nothing seems to throw me off my course or out of character. I know that I can simply choose who I am and what I want and keep it moving. So much has not really happened since I turn 30, a new job yes, but other than that I have been easing into this decade taking in every moment. And every moment has been pretty damn good.

3 months into this whole being 30 thing and what can I say but this wave of change has been quite interesting, in a good way of course. I marvel at the comfort I find in myself and with myself and I marvel at my inability to make excuses for others. I'm don't know if this is a whole being 30 thing or just a "this is where I am at in life" thing but either way, It has been enjoyable seeing and reflecting on that growth. It's amazing how we truly do create the space we exist in and we have the power to determine how we spend each moment of our lives. I have chosen to be accepting-accepting of the emotions that arise, the vulnerability, the twists and turns presented, and roll with it knowing that I have the skill and capacity to make the most of it and make it through it. Who knows what is in store for me, I do know what I desire (balance, healthy relationships including a supportive partner, adventure, and endless moments that allow me to be taken back by the beauty present that I have no choice but to be present). I'm excited and content and grateful for all that is unfolding for me.

Cheers to manifesting our destiny and living the lives we choose to live!

Farewell Standards!

June 8, 2015

Dear Societal Standards,

I am writing to inform you that I have failed you. Today marked a huge milestone, my 30th birthday. And although I was really, really, really looking forward to this particular birthday, I realized that I did not hold up my end of the bargain in meeting all of the things you expected me to meet by this time. I do not have a husband or any prospect on the horizon. I do not have any children unless you want to count my 2 cats, 25 students, and 4 mentees. I do not work in a career field that has me swimming in dollars and let's be honest, since you don't really value it, it may never allow me to do that. I do not own a home or vacation in the islands yearly. I am not free of debt and since I took on a ridiculous amount in student loans to get an education that should have afforded me the above standards set by you, I have to accept the fact that Uncle Sam will have his hands in my pockets until...well...who knows. I'm sure you are disappointed and are probably thinking it's all my fault and I could have done better. Maybe I could have, but then again you never really compromised to meet my needs.
The real reason why I am writing this is not to tell you about how I horribly failed at meeting your standards but to let you know that our relationship, which was never really a relationship since you were more invested in yourself rather than me, is over. I can't really say it's been a great ride because it never was really all that enjoyable in the way that a rollercoaster can be. And I don't think I will really miss you much but I think it's best that way. I do know I can be grateful for all that you shown me and all that you allowed me to learn. By understanding that your standards do not align with my expectations I have been given more insight in how to accept others. You see, when I look around there is no one really quite like me. Not to say that I am better or worse, just myself. And in knowing that I am just myself, I can accept others as being just their selves because let's face it, there is no real standard to meet and by believing this we create a space for people to just be themselves. Maybe it's hard to follow that, but in my 30 years I have come to realize that the only thing I can be is me and the only thing I can do is accept you as you. No more, no less. In addition to learning about acceptance through you, I have been able to realize that there is no real timeline for this thing called life. Tomorrow is for sure not guaranteed ( ask someone who has lost someone if they knew that person was going to leave this earth, I bet you they would tell you that they did not know down to the second when their loved one would perish) and because it's not, we have to make the most of the day, the moment, the second. Now if you're like me, how in the hell do you do that? I don't really know. I just have to remind myself where I am, is what I am doing aligned with my core values? am I doing what I can in this moment to prepare for the next moment? How will my actions impact my life in 5 minutes, 5 hours, 5 days, 5 years from now? In knowing that there is no real timeline, I quit comparing myself to my peers or where I thought you thought I should be. You see, if I followed your timeline I would have missed out on some of the most awesome, most challenging, most growth filled experiences of my life. Looking back I probably could have taken a more stable path, but then again, these memories I have sometimes get me through those boring meetings that I occasionally have to sit through. Oh, how could I forget? You also taught me that this world, with all its crazy, has some really genuine people who ultimately want to be happy and to get the most out of life. I think some may be caught up in your standards but when folks break free, they treat others more kind, they treat themselves more kind, and above all they allow themselves to live the life they choose to live opposed to the one you want them to live.

So with all this said, I bid you farewell standards. While you are out torturing some unsuspecting soul, i'll be enjoying an occasional beer or glass of wine, a reeses peanut butter cup ( and I may not stop at one), endless walks in solitude, picnics in the park, personal date nights, laughter with friends, snuggles with my kitties, stupid reality tv, bootcamp classes, bike rides, and yoga...and my favorite food- ice cream. Because let's face it, life it meant to be lived the way you want, not how someone expects you to.

Cheers to 30!

Why aren't I married yet?

Recently a friend recommended the book "Why You're Not Married...Yet" Although i'm not pressed on the issue, I figured I would humor myself and at least find out what it's all about. I mean, it did come highly recommended and all.
I purchased the book on my Kindle and began to read...and read...and read some more. I could not stop reading. Eventually I did because I had to go to bed but I couldn't help but reflect on all that I had read and looked forward to all that I would read. I thought it was going to be some lame book that pointed out all my flaws and how I would need to change who I am to attract a man that is worthy of me. It did that, but way past the getting a man level. This was a bonafide self-help book for all aspects of life. Given my constant desire to become the person I am destined to be, my desire to continue growing, and my love for reflection and recognition, I found this book to be pretty eye opening. Yes, I do have the desire to get married. To someone that I will be married to forever. No I do not want to get a divorce (being a product of divorce, I feel its a lot easier to be picky in the process and not end up in a hot mess of a relationship because of rushed actions). Yes, I do want to have a child (or children), and yes, I do want to live a fulfilling life that encompasses all the things that I desire (international travel, adventure, etc..). So why aren't I married? or on that path at this moment? Well, it's because I operate in this space of fear. Fear of being vulnerable. I know its a defense mechanism that has came about as a result of things experienced growing up and because of this fear I have become emotionally unavailable thus attracting emotionally unavailable men.  I like to think that I am an open book, but that book happens to be a deep, deep, mystery that doesn't allow anyone to quite figure it out until they get too tired to try and figure it out and let it go. My fear is that my vulnerability will put me in a position for attack (not the physical kind). Attack that someone will know what buttons to push or will pull a trigger that will leave me in pain and pieces wondering how to get it back together again. My mom called me stoic growing up, I at the time didn't agree but when I look at things I am pretty stoic. I keep a calm face despite whatever calamities may be occurring. I think only one friend has heard me cry over something and that's just because if I cried in front of someone they would have ammo to use against me in the future. I guess it boils down to trusting that people who say they care, really do and opening myself to experience all the good, bad, and ugly that life may present and not just experience it but feel it too.
I have been doing a lot of meditation, praying, and setting my intentions to put me in a place where I am no longer fearful of being vulnerable. I trust myself enough to know that whatever may happen in life I am capable of dealing with it because nothing from my past has shown me otherwise. I have put out my desires into the universe and now i'm ready to continue on this path open for whatever it may bring.

I want...

A new computer
A new pair of running shoes
To go camping
Endless days along a vast body of water
A night under the stars
A full day of relaxation...laying out and reading a book without the concerns of time
The partner I want...someone who brings me fresh flowers just because, offers soft sweet kisses whenever, patient with all my semantics and impulses, understanding, thoughtful, kind, spiritual
A job that compensates me for my skills, value, and worth
More sleep
Freedom
Adventure
Love
An English Bulldog named Kiwi



to be continued...

shitty DC date #250836748

Thoughts from the secret coco files...

I swear if someone does not have a complex around dating before coming to DC, they will get one when they get here. I got stories for days and after another failed date, I am really starting to rethink this whole dating thing. I just don't get it.

He showed up late, he questioned my non-meat eating ways, he borrowed my scarf put it on and then told me about the law of possession and said I can't get it back (we all know I got it back), he drank like 12 pepsis, he didn't understand the fact that i don't value money like most folks do, he put is arm across my chair like we were in a relationship and wouldn't stop touching me (either his leg had to touch mine, his hand had to touch my back, etc.., and above all  he was BORING. click click delete.

Taking a timeout.

I feel like I start every blog with an excuse and declaration as to why I need to do better at writing a blog consistently. I have a series of topics that have come to mind and I keep them in my notes on my phone, but sadly the action of writing has not occurred. I know I can do better and at this point I am tired of excuses. Given a series of recent events that left me questioning everything from my personal value and what I believe it to be, my relationships with others, my time, my desires, and a few others. I have realized that it is time to take a timeout. Not sure what this timeout will entail just yet but I do know that I need to start readjusting my use of time, my investment of time in others, and refocus on what I believe to be priorities.

My job is to invest in others. Invest in others to assist them in developing the skills they will need in order to create their paths to their success. I love what I do and I am extremely grateful for the opportunity to do what I do, but because of what I do and what I have done in the past, I am starting to believe that I am hardwired in investing in others to the point that there is no differentiation from what I do and how I live. Recently I have realized that I OVER invest in people and UNDER invest in myself. I am exhausted. Something I hate to do is to show weakness because life has shown me that it can be detrimental to do so but my exhaustion has left me irritable, overwhelmed, and wanting to become a hermit crab. Given that I am approaching 30 in just a few short months, I have made a commitment to myself that I would not bring forth the habits that do not serve my best interest that were experienced throughout my 20s forward. I am tired of over investing in others and under investing in myself and as a result of this, it is time for me to take a step back re-evaluate my relationships and the role I play in them and really think if the time invested is something that I really want to do. This more especially applies to dating and dealing with men as that has been its own internal conflict. I realize that when I truly care about someone, I will do what I can create a space where they feel heard, supported, loved, welcomed, and happy. I have been lucky enough to create relationships with friends that this is a mutual exchange. I have not been so good about demanding the same from potential partners or those that I am interested in on more than a friend level. I have also realized that when dealing with a love interest I give too much of myself without expecting the same in return which has resulted in there being not as much of me to invest in other people that I don't do a good job of investing in when I should. My desire for my partner is that he is just as invested in me, knowing about my past, knowing my present, and knowing what I want for my future. Until I find that I am quite content riding the solo wave.

For the past couple of years, well, since my last year of grad school, I have been interested in becoming an independent consultant. My desire for this is not just because I want to determine how I use my time, but because I like being able to work on different projects that use the different knowledge bases I have. I was speaking to my roommate about hitting a plateau after grad school. Where I became accepting of the mundane and not really investing in my professional goal. I can honestly say there is a lot of fear in trying to become an entrepreneur and strike it out on your own, and this fear has paralyzed me to the point that I was not actively pursuing my career goal despite it being an ongoing nag in my head. I know I am talented, I know that what I want to do I will be successful in, but given that my home life growing up wasn't always stable, I am fearful of being without enough money to cover my basic needs. I have been intentional in silencing that voice that speaks of the fears and have been encouraging the voice that speaks of going after my dream and believing in myself enough to know that it will happen because I will not allow it to be any other way. I have devised a timeline and have planned for August to be the launch of my consulting practice. I registered in an online course to help me learn the steps to starting a consulting practice and have begun marking off time on my calendar that is dedicated to developing this initiative. With all this being said, I know that I need to take a timeout to focus on accomplishing this goal in the time frame that I have set. Its time to trim up some of the fat and get cracking on making things happen. I plan on using my blog as a platform to share my progress and as a way to keep myself accountable. I look forward to the adventure of starting a business and I look forward to all that I will learn.


I am ready to step off the mundane train and to jump on the rollercoaster that will lead me to my goal. I know that all that I desire will be.