I remember me.

I didn't think I would write before the new year, but here I am. As the new year approaches, one is innudated with the whole "what's your resolution going to be?" and as much as I prefer not to make them, this year may be a bit different. I like to set goals, I like reaching those goals and being able to look back at the path it took me to get there. A resolution is nothing but a goal and this year I know just exactly what goal I am setting.

Every goal I have set, I have achieved. From getting into my first choice college, to Peace Corps, to grad school and South Sudan. Although there are several things that I would like to have at this point in my life-stability, a career I love and no student debt, an amazing PNC (partner in crime) I have confidence that will all come in time and that I just need to be patient. I have no big goals for this year except to focus more on me. Most people have no problem doing this, they are their first priority, I on the other hand have a hard time making me my first priority. Of course I do things that make me happy but I have made others and serving others, a priority. There are so many things that I need to work on and because my focus has been others, I have neglected myself. I feel neglected and the only way to change that is to make myself the priority. I need to find my center, re-ignite my passion and get myself together-Mind, body, and spirit- and that is what 2012 will be about. I'm looking forward to this renewed sense of self and the recharge that will come with it.

So here's to remembering me in 2012...Cheers!

Being Grateful

This Christmas, like the last few were spent away from my family. In 2007, I was at work. I was working for a homeless shelter in Nashville and just begun the job 2 months prior and did not have enough hours or money saved to travel to Chicago. In 2008, I was in my village in Malawi crying in my chim(toilet) as I spoke with my family while fellow volunteers were in my house falalala-ing away. In 2009, I spent the Christmas morning with my bestfriend Eunice(a primary school teacher in my village) and helped her prepare for her wedding, her mother had past away and in the tradition she was being pampered and prepared by the groom's family. I will never forget her telling me how much she appreciated having me there not only to share that moment but to be a friend amidst people she really didn't know. I then spent 6 hours hitchhiking down the M-1, in the process saving the life of a turtle, trying to make it to the capitol in time to have Christmas dinner with my closest PC friends. In 2010, I spent it with the women at the transitional shelter I work for. Although I would love to spend the holiday with my traditional family doing our Christmas tradition (dinner in Greektown then gift opening at midnight), I was right where I was supposed to be. I'm a firm believer that God (or whomever you believe in), puts you where you're supposed to be and with the people with whom you're supposed to be with. All of my Christmas holidays away from my traditional family were spent with my non-traditional families that have loved and cared for me in the same manner my family has. I'm not sure what my presence has done for those that I have shared Christmas with, but I know that they were all grateful for it. This Christmas, like the past few, I was working. My mom now lives in DC and we got to spend some of the holiday together, but because of our work schedules not as much time as I would have liked. Despite being away from my family, I'm grateful for those that have opened their hearts, homes, and moments to me. I'm grateful that I did not have to spend this holiday on the streets somewhere, cold and lonely. I am grateful for all the nice, thoughtful gifts I received despite not asking for anything. Everything I received is something that I needed and I'm sure God had a hand in that as well. I'm grateful that I can pick up the phone, send a text or dial a number to hear the voices of those I love, I'm grateful for ALL the blessings I have received and continue to receive. I'm grateful that God puts me right where i'm supposed to be and with those that I'm supposed to be with.

Hope this holiday has been filled with joy, love, peace and happiness. I hope that wherever you may have spent it, you realize the blessing that is there and that you are grateful for it. This will probably be my last post for the year (unless something really comes to my mind). 2011 has been filled with a lot of great memories, challenges, successes and defeats. I am grateful for the lessons learned through it all and i'm looking forward to what 2012 has in store for me.

Love, love, love and peace during this holiday season!

Back to teaching?

I have this intense urge. The same intense urge that I felt when I stepped on the campus of Vanderbilt for the first time, the same urge I felt when deciding to apply to Peace Corps, American for grad school and traveling to South Sudan. This urge shows up when I least expect it but it is the indicator that there is something that I need to do. I woke up the other morning and this urge appeared telling me that I need to explore the option of going back to teaching…yes, you read that right. I just might…or I will be a teacher again. I don’t think I ever left the profession but explored other facets within it, now I think I’m ready to step back into a classroom and hopefully create an experience for my students that would leave the same lasting impact that was left on me. The more I explore the idea of whether or not I should teach the more reasons keep appearing as to why I should do it. I’m passionate about education, I’m passionate about being able to open up opportunities and doors to opportunities for others and given the state of this country and where are youth are heading, its time more positive role models stepped in and helped guided them, I believe I can do that. All of my past experiences have given me a better perspective to the world and essentially with this perspective I feel comfortable now, more than I did 5 years ago when I received my degree in education, in influencing and leading the next generation.

I have lucked out in the fact that I do not have to jump through hoops to get a teaching license in DC. I was told that I would simply need first aid/cpr and that I completed all other requirements in undergrad. The exchange for teaching for a few years seems well worth it to me. Besides a decent salary, summers off (which will afford me the opportunity to do some international consulting), full benefits, loan cancellation after 5 years of service and most importantly being a part of the solution in ensuring the next generation has a solid foundation that will better prepare them to be future leaders. Who do I plan on teaching? I know that I’m adequately qualified to teach in one of the better performing schools, but I choose not to. My students will be the ones that are truly left behind, shitted over by society, policy and those that are responsible for making sure they are given an equal shot at having a positive future. Am I superwoman? Well, yes, but I am also realistic that I am not going to walk into a classroom in a lower performing school and save them all and that’s ok. One thing I know is that I am confident in the fact that I will walk into a classroom and be able to change the life of one.

After several different plans that have come to fruition within these past 3 months, this plan is the most feasible and realistic. If I want a PhD in Urban and Minority Education, I am going to have to spend some time in an urban education system where I’m working with minority students. If I’m going to put a dent in my student loan debt, I can’t settle for a low paying position. If I want to save, to travel then I need a career that will allow me to do so. I’m a firm believer that you have to sacrifice to succeed, what is one year or 5 years or 10 years? The beauty of being young is coming to my benefit here. I figured if I stay for the 5 years, I’ll be 32 which is still young enough to change my career if I choose to.

I revisited my graduate admissions essay and came across this statement “…I know I will be able to reach the students who need me the most. The students who color outside the lines, think outside the box, and ask questions that are relevant to their understanding of the world. These students are waiting for a teacher who understands them; I know these students are waiting for me.” I know education is my calling and although I’m still trying to figure just where in education I fit best, it is important for me to comfortably and confidently say I tried and it didn’t work before moving on.

I think I’m ready to become a teacher again.

Defining Moments

Lately, I find myself reflecting a lot on defining moments. What happened and when that triggered some sort of shift in my thought process. I decided to share some of my defining moments.

1. My first crush
I was 5. This is probably one of my earliest memories. I was so in love with MC, blonde hair and blue eyed, he was just dreamy in my eyes. MC didn't feel the same way. I had a crush on him until the 3rd grade when I realized that there will never be anything between us (so early to think this way but I guess its an innate thing). I guess this would be my first experience with men, the ones you want you don't always get and vice versa. Just brush yourself off because there is always another one on the horizon.

2. My parents separation/divorce
This was the hardest part of my childhood. The amount of emotions and pain and lack of control over a situation and I think the recognition that nothing or NO ONE has a guaranteedn presence in your life. Love people when you can because they can leave before you know it. As a product of divorce, I'm steadfast in the idea that if I ever get married it would be forever. I guess partner selection, ability to communicate and compromise and investing in truly getting to know a person are a must. I refuse to make that type of commitment to a person out of loneliness.

3. Moving
In the 6th grade my family moved an hour from where I grew up. Although it was exciting to have something new to experience, it was difficult having to start over. Patience, flexibility, adaptability and self-resilience came to play here. I had to learn how to adjust to wherever I was and I had to learn how to rely on myself.

4. Traveling blues
My mom had a job managing a blues musician and because of this traveled quite a bit. I would take on the responsibility of the house, making sure it was clean, there was food, doling out allowances etc.. This was my first "mothering" experience. I was 14 and although I enjoyed the responsibility, I sometimes wished I didn't have it.

5. Moving back
My family moved back to where I grew up going into my sophomore year. It was great to be back but I have missed a big portion of influential years with friends and felt left out quite a bit because of it. I couldn't help but feel different because my experience was different and not shaped by the same things as theirs.

6. Losing our home
A series of events including a break up involving my mother ended in us losing our home and essentially becoming homeless. I had a place to stay on the couch of a great friend. During this time I worked quite a bit to help my family, but like divorce it just emphasized that nothing is guaranteed and one must have a plan for everything. Experiencing this as made me more dependent on myself than others which can play out in several different ways when engaging in romantic relationships and it taught me how to be frugal or cautious with money. I budget because you never know what type of emergency may arise. It is because of this that I'm in the line of work i'm in now, it was the first catalyst to going into public service work.

7. Appalachia Service Project
My first real experience doing service. I went with my church group to rehabilitate homes in the Appalachian Mountains. My first time seeing poverty to this degree, allowing me to realize that although I may have had it bad, there was someone out there with it much worse. I also realized as much as I was giving, I was receiving and it was the springboard into a life of service.

8. English teacher and acceptance
My senior year was pivotal. I worked....A LOT. So when it came to applying to colleges, I had time for two-Tulane and Vanderbilt. During this time I had an English teacher who was supportive and encouraging despite others believing those schools were out of my league (I didn't think so, I had a solid GPA and all that they required). Despite all the naysayers, having one person who really didn't know me but believed in me made all the difference. I got my first rejection from Tulane and I remember thinking that my future is now over because if they didn't accept me, neither would Vanderbilt. I was blessed that Vanderbilt saw something in me that Tulane didn't and accepted me into their school of education (Proud Peabody grad!) I wanted to be a high school English teacher so I could have a positive impact on students the way my English teacher had on me.

9. Vandy
Vanderbilt was a whole new world. The amount of wealth present was astounding. I felt like a rag child in comparison. I didn't come from money, I had to work in the cafeteria serving up half chickens to get a free meal plan and some cash to have in my pockets. I didn't have money for the excess so I didn't pretend like I did and I made sure not to overindulge to ensure that in case I couldn't (which tended to be the case) get it from home, I had something. I experienced a range of emotions from rage to jealousy to resentment because these kids had abundant amount of money at their fingertips from mommy and daddy and I had to slave away cleaning up chicken grease. The distribution of wealth was something I didn't quite understand abstractly but experienced first hand. On the upside, I met some of the most AMAZING friends and had some of the most amazing experiences.

10. GED
My first teaching gig was as a volunteer teaching assistant for a women's adult GED program. I loved my fellow teacher and my students and it felt good to be a part of a community outside of Vanderbilt. It was then that I realized that I do not belong in the formal education system but that my interests were more aligned with providing educational opportunities for those that are often left out or forgotten. I continued to teach with this class past the time expected for the class requirement and for the remaining 4 years I lived in Nashville (including the year after I graduated).

11. Panera Bread
I spent my last two years of school working at Panera as a trainer. I loved my job, not because I was dealing with bagels and soups but the team I was  a part of (just like one dysfunctional family) and the interactions with our regular customers. Although it was a great job, if you have read my post about lessons learned, you will see that I was treated a bit differently because I was serving and not be served. I would get angry that people assumed that I was some lowlife that was there probably trying to feed my babies with different baby daddies and couldn't be all that intelligent. The look of shock on their faces when they found out I was a student at the prestigious university across the street was enough validation, but this experience has made me never to assume the capabilities of another individual just because of the side of the counter they're on.

12. Shelter life
Throughout college, I volunteered at a homeless shelter in Nashville. I then took a job there upon graduation. Not doing anything all that related to my degree but still being presented a healthy challenge. I loved my job. It was the perfect balance of faith and spirituality and services. I felt at home, they became my family and at times I wish I could go back.

13. Peace Corps
I always wanted to go to Africa, since I was little but knew that I could never afford such a trip on my own. When I found out about Peace Corps I realized that it is the perfect opportunity. I could travel and combine my love for service into one. No brainer. So I applied, took me two years but finally got placed in Malawi. Malawi and my experience there was simply amazing and probably one of the most pivotal moments in my adult life. Because of the pseudo-isolation, one gets really involved in themselves and their thought. I was able to digest, reflect, and heal from all the previous experiences and I was able to find out who I was or wanted to be and become comfortable with the person that I am.

14. Grad School
I decided to go to grad school after my first year in Malawi and finding a program that was the right mix and what I felt to be a good fit for me was important. A good friend of mine and a graduate of the program i'm in convinced me based on what I wanted to do that the International Training and Education Program (ITEP) at American Univ. would be a good fit. I agree, I have a learned a lot that it very applicable and practical to any type of work I find myself engaging in.

15. The diagnosis of a friend
A good friend from college was diagnosed with breast cancer at 25. Now this is a shock to all because breast cancer tends to be a disease found in older women, but leave it to my vivacious, fun-loving friend to change that. I'm not the best in these types of situations but realizing that no one is invincible, that anything can happen at anytime and that life is meant to be lived to the fullest, with no regrets had given me the freedom to be more carefree. To enjoy what I do and do what I enjoy without feeling guilty. For putting me first, for being direct and honest.

16. Love
I decided to save the best for last. I can say honestly that I have been in love a few times, i'm not going to go into details about it. But love is a funny and beautiful thing. You feel every range of emotion possible and another person has the ability to dictate the feelings that you have of yourself and of that moment. After the first 2 heartbreaks, I sealed up the vault not completely allowing myself to go that far with any other individual. To let someone come in, get down to your core and leave is something that is not easily forgotten and brings a lot of pain that may take a lot of time to heal. I'm at a point where i'm ready to open the vault.

Of course there are a few other defining moments that I haven't shared here, I wasn't expecting this many to begin with but I guess when you open the flood gates, expect things to come rushing out. I'm proud of my experiences, the scars, the memories that have stemmed from them because i'm proud of the person that I turned out to be.

The Five Regrets

Double whammy of a blog day...came across this on the blog of my favorite author, Paulo Coehlo, and thought I would share...enjoy!


(One of my friends here sent me a link while commenting on “Insult the dead”. I checked it and I stumbled upon a very interesting text by Bonnie Ware. Below a resumée: )
 

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.


2. I wish I didn't work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.


3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.


4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.


5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.


Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

Healing the broken

Scars. We all have them. Scars from people who took for granted what we had to offer. Scars from people who failed to see the gifts that we bring to this world. Scars that prevent us from being who we are.

I like many have had my share of broken hearts. I remember my first heartbreak I was 8 and my father left. I try not to put to much of my personal life in my blog particularly when it involves specific people but for this instance I will allow it. Daddy's little girl I was so when he left, I was left feeling incomplete. Although I know that it was not my fault, I held for a very, very long time the hurt and heartache from that experience. Confused and not understanding why, I made it a point not to allow myself to get close to any man out of the fear that I would be left feeling the way I did when my father left. Classic story I know, a girl with daddy issues. Although I moved past the initial pain, I carried it around like a monkey on my back until I finally got tired of carrying that burden. I opened myself and my heart to individuals who were not in places to receive it, cherish and take care of it and after each heartbreak I promised myself that I wouldn't allow myself to fall again, it hurt too much and in the end I was the one to lose. As I have gotten older I have a realized a shift in my perspective when it comes to relationships. I got tired of carrying the burden, of allowing myself to feel disappointed if something that could have potentially worked out didn't and I realized above all that in order to heal I would have to get to the root of the issue and face it head on.

After a lapse in time, I re-established a relationship with my father. This was not the easiest process or thing to do because I was still a bit weary of whether or not history would repeat itself. I knew that if I didn't forgive him, If I didn't give it a try I would forever be broken and I wanted to be healed. Being older an understanding that everyone has their own demons which has allowed me to be more empathetic towards my father. It has also allowed for me to recognize that if I could not have a healthy relationship with this man who was once the center of my world, I will never be able to give of myself completely to another man. I was setting every man that could have potentially turned into more for failure because I was failing to deal with my own issues. I'm still working on my relationship with my father, I think we both recognize what went wrong and although unspoken, have decided to move past it. I'm grateful that despite the pain I am able to come on top stronger, wiser, and more ready for the next challenge that is presented.

It took me a whole lot of meditation, prayer, reading and reflection to understand the root of the issue and to give me the strength to deal with it. I love love, I love being in love, I love sharing love, I love seeing love, and in order for this I had to be in a position to accept it, to witness it, and to give it. Its a journey i'm still on, i'm still learning, i'm still experiencing and as each day passes, as each relationship I encounter unfolds I am able to learn, love and appreciate the experience for what it is and not what I think it should be. I have blessed in the fact that at 26 I have been given this perspective, that I am able to engage in healthy relationships and exit them when needed without feeling like I have wasted time or lost a part of myself. It is my only wish that others were able to feel the same and to know how to do the same.

I find myself meeting quite a few guys that are broken (and some girlfriends, but for the sake of this blog im just focusing on the men). I can't fix them. I have given up the idea that my unconditional love, compassion, comfort, and listening ear would be able to fix them and change their perspective. I have realized that my unconditional love, compassion, comfort and listening ear can only provide the support needed for them to move forward, to heal, but they have to do it for themselves in order for it to last. I used to think that I could fix them but that was because I subconsciously thought I was fixing my father, a task that was entirely out of my control. It's quite sad the impact that individuals have on eachother and it's quite sad that that impact can change an individual's entire perspective and outlook on life. I know over time the wounds caused by others become scars and those scars may fade a little but will always be there. So either learn to accept and move past them or continue living bound to a past that you wanted to move forward from.

Love is an amazingly beautiful thing when done with the best intentions. Nothing is ever lost when one loves because there is a lesson learned in everything. As I have said before, it is always better to be grateful that it happened then sad that it's over. I know that for each man I have ever let into my space to share my world, I have walked a way with the knowledge the confidence to apply whatever I learned in the next relationship. Life is meant to be lived and life involves risks, sometimes taking a risk leads down an unexpected road to something beautiful.

“You have to take risks. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen.” -Paulo Coehlo

Making a difference

I received this message today. I finished my Peace Corps service over a year ago and this weekend will mark 2 years since I conducted my first girls empowerment camp-Women2Women. Warmed my heart and brought a smile to my face to know that I made a difference....

Hello Courtney,
The Speaker (Speaker of the House/Parliment) received in audience the Head of Mission at the American Embassy in Lilongwe who was paying a routine courtesy call on the Speaker. Naturally, the envoy went on to outline her governments commitment to continue building on areas of bilateral support which includes the Peace Corps initiative of which you served under.

In reply, the Speaker singled out the outstanding mark you left in his constituency particularly the initiative on girls self realisation and focus on their empowerment. The envoy was most impressed that through Peace Corps , there was such an acknowledgement of its impact. Arising from this, the envoy asked for your contact which without consulting you I gladly passed on to her so that in turn you can pass on contacts of your colleagues that partnered you in that wondrous effort.

Courtney, thank you so much for the opportunity to work with you and do expect contact from the American Embassy.

These words came a time were I needed a little push to keep doing the work that I do even though sometimes I fail to see the impact it has.

Dating.

The topic of several conversations I've had lately is dating. What's the purpose? What is expected? Why date? Who to date? The more I talk about it the more I realize that I have to shape my own perspective of it. I have never been a big dater or player or whatever you want to call it. Its far too complicated for me to try to juggle this person and that person and remember this conversation and that conversation. Since I came back from South Sudan I have gone on several dates. Some good, some bad, some leaving me to wonder what the hell am I doing or what I was thinking. From these experiences I have come to realize that although I prefer to be in a relationship vs. playing the field, dating is required in order to know whether this person has the potential to be something more.

I know I have gotten good at being able to realize from the beginning whether something has long term potential or if its just going to be a short term fling, I have gotten good at recognizing certain characteristics that are non-negotiables and ones that can be overlooked. I'm sure i'm not the easiest person to date, my schedule is all over, I get bored easily and i'm quite selfish with my time and how I spend it so this can be seen as a roadblock for some, to me not really. Obviously knowing oneself and how you fit into the dating equation makes things easier when things don't turn out how one would hope and it makes it easier when it comes to figuring out what it is you're looking for. One thing I think is difficult about dating is going on a date with a person who would make a great friend but because the first interaction has a romantic undertone, its difficult to shift into that friendship mode. I think a majority of the guys I have gone on a  date with I could see as friends (I don't deal with busters) but because both parties may not see it that way it becomes a sinking ship that has sunk. On the flipside it can be easy to jump on the first boat that takes interest in you and ride the ride until you wake up and come to your senses...I don't see the point in that, why waste time when you know that this person is not necessarily the person for you? It becomes easy to look around at others in relationships or those seriously dating and compare whatever your situation is to that only to be left feeling that something is missing when the situation you have is the situation you're meant to be in at that time. I guess it's all int he perspective that you take and knowing what it is that you want, both which could not happen without experience. So as I embark on this wonderful world of dating, I have to remind myself to have fun, enjoy the experience and be open to whatever path is being set in front of me.

Dream Deferred

Since I was 4 years old, I always talked about being a doctor. At first I thought I would be a pediatrician, then a neonatologist and then realized that I really don't want to do either because I realized that although doctors are valuable, I prefer to interact with people in a different manner. I pretty much abandoned that idea and set out on a different path...education. I never really thought about the fact that I could still be a doctor, just not a medical one, but that was until I found a PhD program that instantly grabbed and held my attention and interest. As I learned more about the program and met with those I needed to meet with to gather more information and to learn about what I need to do to best put me in a position for admission, I knew it was the program for me. I was told that I would need to re-take the GRE to become a stronger applicant, not for admission but for funding. So with 3.5 weeks until the last possible day to take the GRE to ensure score reports are mailed out by the application deadline, I registered and buckled down to prepare myself for the GRE. I studied and studied, from the bus to the park bench I had my GRE study tools in hand. Although the time I had would never be enough to prepare me or for me to feel comfortable, I felt good about where I was at in the time that I had prepared. I walked in the testing room on testing day, a bit nervous but relaxed because at this point I know what I know and could only do the best that I could do with the time I had to prepare. I took the test, walked away not thrilled but not disappointed and began to think about the rest of the application. As I was doing some other work, I received an email from the director of the program informing me that the program I am interested in will not be accepting students this upcoming school year and that I would need to wait to apply next year. Disheartened and saddened, I couldn't shake the frustration that I had that I would have to wait a year to apply to this program after all the studying and stressing I have done to prepare myself to apply this year. It wasn't until I gave myself a reality check and put things in perspective, that I began to see this not as some unfair situation but a blessing in disguise. I was poo pooing about not being able to obtain a 3rd degree when there are people all over the world who do not even have access or resources to obtain a secondary education. Even though that dream has been deferred for this point in time, there are still several other things that I now have the time and mind space to focus on and direct my energy towards.
You may remember me mentioning that I missed volunteering and needing to find an outlet for the additional time I have on my hands. Surprisingly it has been difficult to find outlets for volunteering in DC and I was beginning to get frustrated. Luckily enough I have found two organizations that are not only aligned with my personal approach to development, but ran by some of the most amazing people I have met. The Margaret Mead quote, " Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed it's the only thing that ever has" rings true when I look at the people who run these two orgs. and i'm very much excited that I have the opportunity to work with them on fulfilling their mission. Both orgs are different from eachother but provide me with the best outlet for meeting my different interests. Below you will find some information about the organizations and stay tuned for ways you can get involved and help me support these organizations and the people they serve.
As always, thanks for reading and hope to hear from you soon!
xoxo
Courtney


Access to Success
A fusion of sports, education and faith, Access to Success works with children in Benin City, Nigeria to develop skills to reach their highest potential. A2S is solely ran on the efforts of volunteers and has done some amazing things with the small amount of resources they have. Morgan, a classmate and friend, co-founded the organization and has shared with me (and other interested) what they have been doing and what they are trying to do. It is simply amazing to what can be done when folks not only have a dream shared by others but the will to make that dream reality. Read more at http://www.a2sfoundation.org/

Reason, Season, Lifetime

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
— Unknown

I have been reflecting quite a bit about relationships I have and had throughout my life. Sometimes it makes me smile to be able to replay a memory in my mind involving a friend, sometimes its makes me sad to think about a friendship that once was and is no more, and sometimes it makes me angry that people entered my world, shook it up and left before I can even decide whether I wanted them to be a part of it or not. Regardless of the status of certain relationships, I know for certain that I am 110% grateful for the friends I have.

The past couple of nights as I traveled home from work or school, I have been thinking a lot about the people whom I cherish. These people I know love me unconditionally and vice versa. My best female friends who know the intricacies of my life, who feel comfortable telling me the truth even if they think the truth may hurt a bit. My female best friends are like no other and being in DC without them, without those bonds have been the most difficult thing about this move. I love them all for who they are, I love them for what they bring and share with this world, and I love them for loving me just the way I am. 

I grew up with brothers so it only makes sense that I have a certain ability to relate/get along with men.  I think of the great male friends I have that provide me with an honest male perspective to help me understand things better. They encourage and support me, they make me feel beautiful on days I have a hard time believing it, they see me for me and respect the woman that I am. I am one of the most blessed/luckiest women in the world to have the great male friends that I do.

Its not often that I get to see these folks seeing as most of them live in others states or countries. But for some reason, they always show up at the time that I need them and saying just what I need to hear. There is a lot of uncertainty when it comes to friendships, but it makes me happy to know that I have a solid group of lifetimers surrounding me.

To all of my friends reading this, I appreciate you for the role you play in my life, whether its only a reason, for a season or around for a lifetime. You mean more to me then I can ever articulate and I will be forever grateful for the love you have given to me.

I truly love my life and the people in it.

The Disintegration of a Generation

What I may have to say in this post may be offensive to some, but if you're easily offended, take everything written as a personal attack, don't have an openmind, and not in the mood to reflect and see if there is any truth behind it, then you should not read this.

Now that that's out of the way. All I can say is what the hell is going on with the people in my generation? I've had several conversations with people lately discussing the disintegration of our society. I look at what we place value on and it saddens me. We overindulge and lose sight of our personal values (that's assuming that we had them to begin with) to create a facade that will allow some sort of validation by our peers. People are going into debt trying to keep up with a lifestyle that we shouldn't expect to be living at this point in our lives or career. Consistently chasing paper to get the shoes, the nails, the hair, the clothes, the car, the whatever to impress others...but when you strip a person of all those things, what do you have left standing there? If we spent more time building our character and community instead of our image, I'm sure we wouldn't passively accept the injustices that occur right in front of our eyes.

I've heard so many of my friends tell me they want to get themselves back to a place of happiness. It was there but amidst all of the hustle and bustle and paper chasing, they lost it. I lost it to. For a long time I wasn't happy with the position that I was in, constantly thinking of what I need to do next to fulfill expectations set by those outside of myself. If I didn't change how I thought, I would still be trying to figure out how to get my happy back. It's not going to fall in your lap one day, you have to be proactive and go after it. I spent 4 years at an institution that cost a pretty penny. When I graduated I accepted a position at a shelter that paid HALF of one years tuition. Given the institution I attended, it is expected that I would be making twice what I made as a minimum. I don't regret it. I loved my job, I enjoyed and looked forward to going to work everyday. I made the money I made work for me. If it wasn't necessary I didn't get it. Simple. I work at a shelter now, I love my job, I have the education, experiences, and skills to make 3 times the amount i'm making but waking up and going to a job I love and not loathe is a must in my book.I'm not saying everyone needs to be frugal, but living inside one's means and knowing the motivation behind certain expenses made need to be evaluated. In addition to doing work that you're passionate about, find time to do other things you are passionate about as well, no one else will make the time for it to happen. I believe in not making excuses, either make it happen or accept that it's not.

Let's talk about instant gratification. Our parents fucked us over on this one. Yeah, it's great to get things that they didn't have or didn't have to work hard for, but there is a purpose and great lesson learned behind the struggles they endured. We want things to come easily. That dream job needs to fall on our laps, the dream house and car magically appear and our lives are all peachy keen. If something doesn't come easily we don't want it and this is most evident in our relationships. Relationships require work, lots of it at times. The minute something gets difficult or becomes "too much" the towel is being thrown in and folks are moving on to the next. I'm not sure what happened in investing in an individual and building something great but I fail to see it.

Washington, DC is a great place to acquire a complex. The first question you're asked is "what do you do?" The way you answer can determine the whole direction of the conversation and can either maintain or end it. But really, if someone is trying to size you up and determine whether or not you can be used as a pawn in their own advancement, is that someone you really want to continue speaking with?

I don't have high hopes for my generation and their contributions (other than facebook) to bettering our society

Anyway, I can continue with my rant but i'm going to step off my soapbox now.

P.S I own a BMW....(Bus, Metro, Walking pass!)

Lessons learned continued.

A friend asked me what lessons did I learn while in S.Sudan. At the time I pieced together an answer of what I believed was the greatest lessons learned. As I thought about it more and more, I was taken back through all the previous lessons learned. So now that I'm reflecting on them, I decided to revisit and add the new lessons that I have learned.

(From my Malawi blog..)

1. Patience...really is a virtue.I don't know how many times my patience has been practiced, how many times I had to remind myself that if I just wait a little bit longer it will all work out. It seems like this is a re-occurring theme in my Peace Corps experience, starting from the 2 years it took me to get to Malawi. I have to have patience with my neighbor kids who show up at my door at 6am asking for candy knowing if they came back at noon I would be more than happy to share. I have to have patience when it comes to travelling back to site, it takes 9-12 hours to get there on less than desirable transport sometimes. I have to practice patience when it comes to my future. Grant it, tomorrow is not guaranteed, everything happens for a reason and happens when its suppose to happen. Forcing something to be will just make it be the way you don't want it. I'm definitely the type of person that curiosity gets the best of and that curiosity can lead to moments where my patience is lacking, but I know that when I'm patient I always get what I want. (See consider the source when dealing with people and patience)

I feel that a lot of life is waiting. You wait for the bus, friends, an opportunity or your life partner. Just because you're waiting for something to happen doesn't mean you have to stop living. Make the most of the "down time" and know that when something is supposed to happen it will. 

2. Smile...it will come back to you...There have been moments of sadness, irritation, anger, confusion but when those moments happen I always try to find something to smile about and when I do it seems that smile makes it way back to me in some form of kindness that has changed whatever negative to a positive.

3. Always consider the source and never forget that we are all DIFFERENT...Sometimes people say things or do things that may make a person reconsider how they feel about themselves. When this happens it tends to be from a person who is not in their right mind or doesn't know you. I have gotten better by not letting the comments of people who don't really know me change how I see myself. People come from all over, and the more I move through this life and move all over, I'm reminded that people come from all different walks of life, have different experiences and just how my experiences have shaped my perspective of the world and the people in it, theirs have as well. My eyes are attached to nerves that are attached to my brain, therefore I understand the world how I see it. No one else can share in my perspective of the world, so I can either waste time wondering why or except that we are all different and keep it moving.

4. A friend maybe waiting behind the face of a stranger...I have been blessed throughout my time to find a good group of friends that provide me with the love and support needed to do what I do. These same friends come from all different places and have lifestyles totally different from my own. Some of these friends have been in my life since I was a small child, some have been picked up along the way. If I didn't allow myself to be open enough to let new people in then I would have missed out on some pretty awesome people and some awesome friendships. I've had a plethora of jobs that have taken me through different groups of people, these different groups of people have allowed me to relate to most people I come across because I probably have a friend just like them :) Don't get stuck thinking you have to only be friends with people like you or in your age group. I have 5 year old friends and 50 year old friends who all help me understand this world, bring me laughter and happiness, support and love. Doesn't get any better than that.

5. Know when to say hello and when to say goodbye...I believe that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Many have heard my reasoning behind this but its true. As we are constantly changing, we should not expect that our friends won't change as well. As we take on a new interests we are going to find people that share in those interests. Just because what we use to have is no longer, it does not mean we are not friends. In my book once a friend always a friend, we just may be friends in different places and that's ok.

6. No sense in crying over something that can't be changed...Some decisions and things are set in stone, if you have no power to change it, leave it alone.

7. Always go with your gut feeling...If something don't feel right, don't do it. You have instinct for a reason.

8. Don't be afraid to go after what you want...and wait patiently for it to come.If I want something I'm going to go after it until I get it or until all possible ways for getting it are exhausted. Call me spoiled or stubborn or whatever else, but if its something that I know will bring me happiness then I don't mind working hard for it and or waiting some to get it.

9. Don't take the backseat in your life...Do what you want to make your life yours.I've adopted the attitude that you can either come along for the ride of get out. If you decide to stay then put a seat belt on and hold on!

10. Treat others as you want to be treated...Just about every job I had in h.s and college was behind a counter. I have served buffalo wings, smoothies, towels, bagels and sandwiches, these jobs have all taught me to be humble and to see all as my equal regardless of what side of the counter I was on. It use to piss me off when I was at Vanderbilt and working at Panera and customers would come in assuming that because I was on the other side of the counter I had to be somewhat less intelligent then them. It made me realize that you never know exactly who is on the other side of the counter(figuratively and literally) and shouldn't make assumptions about anyone or their abilities. Let them prove otherwise, but until they do treat them as you want them to treat you. I may be in a developing country but my Malawian counterparts are just as capable as I am, maybe even more so given this is their home turf. I refuse to speak "special English" or dumb down my language. It may require more of an explanation for some to understand, but I am a teacher aren't I? Who am I to deny any person the ability to learn something new, if that be the case then I should have been denied as well. We all have our own capabilities, they may be different but they are still equal.

(Post-Malawi)
11.Think highly of yourself and do not let people tell you any different. I take pride in the person that I am and believe that I am a pretty good person. Sometimes people can't accept it and that's their problem to deal with.

12. Don't force a square peg into a circle. If something is not working, don't dwell on it. Life is too short to get caught up in something that may never fit together perfectly (or as perfect as you want it)

13. Don't be afraid to be passionate about something or someone. I don't believe in half-assing anything that I do. When it comes to love I give my all, if it is not accepted or the person who it is directed towards is not in a place to receive or does not want to accept it, that's ok. I'm going to do what comes naturally to me.

14. Don't be afraid to be honest with people about how you feel and don't be afraid of the feelings you have. We tend to lie to ourselves and by lying to ourselves we end up lying to others. Be honest with yourself first and foremost and don't worry if someone doesn't agree with the decisions that come from that honesty.

15. Don't be ashamed that your own happiness is your priority.

16. Question everything and don't accept that all information that is given to be the end all be all. ..or the truth

17. Know when to let go and when to fight for what is yours.

18. Find peace within before seeking it elsewhere.

19. Be grateful for all that you have, regardless of how much. After my time in S.Sudan, this is probably the greatest lesson that I have learned. I spent my first 8 weeks eating nothing but beans and rice and rice and beans. I was confined for the most part to a compound and was only allowed freedom with restrictions. I walked into the Safeway and found myself appreciating the fact that there are now several types of fruits and vegetables at my finger tips. So many options, so many choices, and because of those options and choices I will never be able to take for granted what I have and will always appreciate it.

20. Make the most of everyday...don't just say you're living life to the fullest, do it! There is no way of knowing just "living life to the fullest" quite is. How do you measure that you are living it to the fullest? You have to figure it out for yourself, but for me, I want to be able to look at each day not regretting not having done something. I want to look back on each day knowing that I have done all I could to put into practice the above lessons learned, I want to look back knowing that I created the life and world that I want to live in. My motto really has become the cliche "Carpe Diem" and it's comforting knowing that I have reached the point where i'm doing just that.

All good things come to an end

They say that you shouldn't be sad that it's over, but glad that it happened. I believe this to be true to some extent but I still feel sad that something good is coming to an end. In just a few days I will be boarding a plane and heading back to my life in America. I can't believe how quickly time has passed by and I can't believe that this experience will be coming full circle and to an end. Although I will be taking the same route back (Nairobi-London-DC), I will be taking it with a different perspective. I am confident that I will carry all the memories, both good and bad, with me as I continue on to the next journey. I am confident that I will apply the lessons that I have learned during this experience to create a more fulfilled, happy, and understanding life when I return. I am reassured and confident in the skills that I have gained or sharpen, and i'm reassured and confident that the path that i'm heading down is the right one, even if at times it may not appear so.

I spent the past two weeks being a sloth and enjoying the coast of Kenya. Although the original plan was to travel to Malawi, finances wouldn't allow it. I am sad that I didn't make it back this time, I know that I will make it back one day. These past two weeks have been amazingly beautiful. I have found peace and obtained a calmness that I don't think that I would have been able to if I had did all the traveling I had originally planned. For the first time, I feel completely content and ready to leave a place, even if I know I that I am leaving a part of me behind. I'm not good with transitions so these past two weeks have given me time to breathe and relax and mentally prepare all that is waiting for me back in the states. I'm not good with goodbyes and know that it will be difficult to leave the friends that I have made while in Kenya, but I feel good knowing that I can come back and will have a place where I can find people and feel at home.

I will never forget this experience, will be forever grateful for it, and looking forward to going back to where I belong for now.

Until next time...

Kwaheri Africa!

This is it

Today is my last full day in South Sudan. Tomorrow afternoon I will be leaving this country. It's a bittersweet feeling. I'm ready to go but wouldn't mind staying. I will miss my life here, although I was only here for a short period of time. Wow, I can't believe that its coming to an end. I have an amazing calm over me, I have made peace with the decision to leave and I have made peace with the idea that this experience, this chapter is done. I'm looking forward to the next 2.5 weeks of relaxing and getting myself back into a place mentally to focus on being back in the states.

I will miss South Sudan, but more especially the people who I met here.

So this is it. I'm out.

The art of Goodbye

Tonight is my last night in Kuajok. I should be sleeping seeing as it is 1am, but thinking that this will be my last night here is keeping me up. I'm not good with the whole goodbye thing, I always say it's see you later, but that later, who knows when it will come. I'm not good with transitions, i'm not good with the whole packing up and leaving thing either. But for some reason, that seems to be the most constant thing in my life. I shouldn't complain seeing as I have been afforded the opportunity to meet some of the most amazing people along my journey. These people, at whatever point they have entered my life, have shown me something about the world and taught me something about myself. Today will be the first of many goodbyes as I prepare to depart South Sudan and although it's not easy, I will say goodbye knowing that the memories that were created during my time here will continue with me on the next journey and all the journeys to follow.

I don't know if this is the beginning of me settling down. I'm not sure I know how but I do know that i'm ready to move on to the thing that life has in store for me, whatever that and wherever that may be.

Counting down.

Time is ticking and the countdown has begun.

In 29 days, I am scheduled to be on a flight back to the states. At first, I was strongly considering extending my time here....like really considering. After a lot of prayer, a lot of weighing of options and a whole lot of thinking, i've decided that I need to come home. There are several things that weighed in on my decision. If I extended, it would only be 3 months and the type of work/impact I would like to have would require a longer commitment. I think the thing that was a reoccurring thought was the fact that I put my life in the states on pause to come here and we all know eventually when you pause to long, you have to start over. I have slowly began establishing myself and getting settled in DC, I haven't even explored what all the city has to offer. If I were to extend I know at the end of that 3 months I would have the same feelings I have now, that I haven't had that much of an impact, haven't contributed fully and to my best abilities and that there is still more to accomplish. There will always be more here...at least for a long while. If it is in the cards for me to come back to South Sudan, then i'll make it back. But for now, I am shifting my thoughts to returning to the states and resuming life there. In 10 days I will be on a plane to Nairobi. I can not believe that my time here is almost up and i'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that I have been in South Sudan almost 3 months and I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around the idea that in a month I will be back in DC beginning the next chapter of the Life and Times of Courtney C.Wright...

Yesterday I traveled back to Kuajok for the last time. Lucky for us, there was a group here from Korea who chartered a plane meaning we did not have to fly via Wau and take the 1.5hour trip to Kuajok on one of the worse roads in the world. We instead flew in a 10 seater plane (I was right behind the pilot!) and landed right in Kuajok. I was warmly received by my colleagues here and felt a bit sad that we will have only a few days together before I leave. I can say that for the most part I have gotten to know and work with some of the most amazing people I have met in my life. I have learned more from them and my interactions with them, then I have learned in my role. I think that is the hardest part about this type of work, everyone is from somewhere else, and because of this you never know when your paths will cross again. You truly have to make the most of the times shared because there is no guarantee that there will be another time. So, i'm going to take advantage of the time I have left here and that will probably result in this being the last email during my time here.

So what next? Really, not much. Wish I could say I had some big exciting plans after this experience, but I don't. I decided that I will backpack to Malawi via Dar es Salaam and take in some of the Africa countryside before departing this beautiful continent.  I'll begin classes at the end of August, going full-time to ensure a May graduation. If all goes as planned, I will be back at my job at the shelter working part-time, leaving me with quite a bit or enough time on my hands to do something. I have no real plans about what to do with this time and if you know me, you know i'm a planner and for the first time, I have no real plan and I'm ok with that.  I know I will be doing some volunteer work (something that has been missing in my life) and really trying to figure out just what it is that i'm supposed to do with my life.

What about South Sudan?
I am steadfast in the belief that the people here will survive and thrive despite the turbulent past. It is not going to be an easy road ahead, but there has been progress in the right direction. I haven't given up hope on South Sudan and I have faith that things will turn for the better. Things along the border still remain unstable and there is no telling when the end of war will truly come for the people here. I will be forever grateful for this opportunity and for the people who have made this a great experience for me.

I have learned a lot about this field of work and myself during this time. I know that I don't feel fulfilled without being connected to those i'm serving, that working within a large organization where people are known as a number and not a name is not for me, and that I really don't know exactly where it is that I am headed. I was able to confirm that being education is the right place for me and that I want to work both in the states and internationally (now I just need to figure out a way to bring both together). I also know that I have the best friends and family in the world and I will be forever grateful for the kind words and support that was given to me during this time. I don't believe what i'm doing is extraordinary or deserves recognition and praise, I do what I do because I love doing it and I have been blessed with a support network that encourages me to do it and to continue doing it. Thank you.


Stick a fork in me, i'm done! (well almost).

Finding my place

Lately I have found myself really reflecting on where I belong. I don't think that question will ever be answered completely but I know that every experience will lead me closer to that place. That place. Where is that place i'm supposed to be? it's confusing as I try to balance to worlds, my life in the states and my life outside the states. I want both but know that I can't physically be in two places at one time.

My experience in South Sudan has revealed to me quite a bit about what it is that I want and where it is I want to be. I can not see myself not being connected to Africa, to the world, but I also can not see myself giving up my life in the states either. I also know that working within a large organization is probably not the best fit for me. Although being a part of a large organization has taught me a great deal, it has shown and discouraged me a great deal as well. I feel disheartened by this experience, not because it was bad, but because what was revealed to me about the nature of this work may not always be what we think it is and not everyone has the best intentions or are serving for the right reasons.

My passionate is working with people. I like feeling connected, I like hearing stories, I like know that the ones i'm serving are not just numbers. I like the emotions that are shared, I like the bonds that are made and the memories created.

My time here is wrapping up, in less than two weeks I will be on a plane to Nairobi to begin my vacation before classes begin. I've decided that this semester I will take a break and not overdo the working. I will go back to my job at the shelter part-time and will continue with school full-time. I do plan on doing a lot of volunteering and getting back to that place I know I am supposed to be. With the people.

Whether in DC or elsewhere. My place is with the people.

Capitalization off suffering.

I think my biggest issue with humanitarian aid is the dependency it creates. I'm sure folks who read this may disagree and that's ok, it's their opinion and I have mine and since this is my blog I can share my opinion freely. Lately I have been really critical of humanitarian aid that has no end. Every organization and every government should have at least some plan when they say their work is finished and it up to the individuals in that country or area to take over. I was talking to one of my closest friends here about it the other night. I, as an American, should not be coming into a country and telling the people how they should live their lives. I think the role of humanitarian aid should be informative and providing resources when they are not available and only after all ways of utilizing resources in the community are exhausted. I should not tell people that the ways in which I live, the culture which I am a part of, should be theirs.

I get tired of seeing western ex-pats capitalizing off the suffering of people. Yes, I said it and yes it's true. I have my philosophy toward development, it may not be the best philosophy but it works for me. In any position I have, whether stateside or abroad, it is my goal to ensure that those i'm working for, on behalf of, are given the skills, knowledge and access to resources or knowledge of where to get those resources so that they don't have to depend on me to do it. I would like to work myself out of a job. I have seen project after project haphazardly thrown together, to ensure that the expat workers have jobs, when instead a comprehensive program can be carried out that addresses all the issues that are present and makes the way forward, without the dependency, much easier. For example, the building of health clinics. I have a hard time understanding why health clinics are built but there is no water point nearby or adequate amount of latrines/toilets for use. Now if there are not adequate hygiene facilities, how to do you ensure that people are not picking up or sharing germs. In the states do our health centers not have access to a clean water source? No! So why is it ok for us to build health centers in countries where the need for is more evident.

Or what about schools. We build schools. We want kids to learn in these schools. We think they should be in these schools, but we don't build completed or adequate schools. We build a school but don't provide furnishing, so even if a student has a nice school building, it is not a comfortable learning environment. Schools with tin roofs, yes they're nice, but if the school was built correctly, when it rains there would be a barrier that keeps the loud rain noise out. Have you ever heard rain on tin? It's loud. When I would teach in Malawi, because I just had tin, it would be too loud for my students to hear me and so even though the students and teacher are present, learning does not take place because it's simply too loud. Now don't get me started on toilets and water...

Whatever happened to integrity? I believe that I would not do something for you or would not treat something differently then I would treat it if it were my own.

Ok. I can continue on this rant, but i'm going to step off my soapbox.

Coming home.

Not today. Not tomorrow. Not next week.

In 35 days, I am scheduled to be on a flight back to the states. At first, I was strongly considering extending my time here....like really considering. After a lot of prayer, a lot of weighing of options and a whole lot of thinking, i've decided that I need to come home. There are several things that weighed in on my decision. If I extended, it would only be 3 months and the type of work/impact I would like to have would require a longer committment. I think the thing that was a reoccuring thought was the fact that I put my life in the states on pause to come here and we all know eventually when you pause to long, you have to start over. I have slowly began establishing myself and getting settled in DC, I haven't even explored what all the city has to offer. If I were to extend I know at the end of that 3 months I would have the same feelings I have now, that I haven't had that much of an impact, haven't contributed fully and to my best abilities and that there is still more to accomplish. There will always be more here...atleast for a long while. If it is in the cards for me to come back to South Sudan, then i'll make it back.

I have family, friends, an awesome home to live in, awesome housemates, my mom, friendships that are forming, not to mention a whole year of grad school to finish and those seems to take precedent over anything that could keep me here. I love being here and have enjoyed my time immensely, but I need a break from this life for a bit.

See you stateside!

Proud Aunt

(This picture was taken a couple months after my niece Briauna was born...Aug. 2007)

Today I spoke to my beautiful nieces. Dezi is now 7 and Briauna is now 4. Its amazing how quickly time has passed by and how quickly they are growing up. I wish I could shrink them back to when they were little and relive those moments. I have spent quite a good chunk of their lives out of the state or country and everytime I see them or get to talk to them, it makes my heart melt that I can't be there to witness their growth. I have been blessed to have the greatest, funniest, kindest, sweetest, caring, intelligent, precious, beautiful nieces in the world.

Missing Home

Today is the first day I really missed home. I don't know if it's because of everything going on there or the feeling that I'm not doing much here (or maybe I am) but for some reason today my thoughts have been at home.

Welcome to the newly independent South Sudan!

Its official…I’m writing from the newly independent Republic of South Sudan! Being able to witness the liberation of a nation was amazing and one of the best experiences of my life. I arrived in Juba (the capital) a little over a week prior to independence, mostly to meet with some folks in our office and with our partner, partly for security, and a bit for my sanity (8 weeks in the field with no vegetables or fruit can take its toll eventually). Seeing the preparations firsthand, feeling the excitement and the anxiety of how things will turn out was exciting and rejuvenating. There was an increase in security in the capital to ensure nothing happened and that those that are traveling in (diplomats etc.) were secured. Our office put a ban on our movement and curfews were enforced but that was fine seeing as the whole city had a ban on movement for certain road and was enforcing a curfew. Throughout the day people were parading up and down the streets and it wasn’t any different that evening. It reminded me of the Chicago Bulls repeat of the 3-peat. The night before independence, I made my colleagues stay up until midnight in order to celebrate. It was like new years, we toasted to the newly independent republic and enjoyed with the others around.  The next day, some other coworkers and I went to the mausoleum where the independence ceremony was to take place (the raising of the flag and signing of constitution and some speeches). The place was filled with people, from everywhere. People were excited and happy to be able to witness this day and I was happy to be able to join. The ceremony was to begin at 10:20am but didn’t begin until almost 1:30pm (they said they were waiting on a few others to arrive). The energy among the crowd, despite the heat and the lack of water, was good. When the ceremony began and the flag was finally raised, the crowd broke out into a large cheer and continued to cheer for the following 20 or so minutes. We left before the end of the ceremony given the amount of time we have already been there and how hot, thirsty and tired we were. It was amazing to say the least and the way I have described this even doesn’t (I don’t think I can) accurately describe just how amazing it was to be here and to witness this. The environment the remainder of the weekend was quite quiet. I think between staying up all Friday night, celebrating all day and night Saturday people were exhausted. By the time Sunday came all was quiet and only a few people were out on the streets. Although independence is not going to rid this country of it’s problems, it is a good step in the right direction for the people here. There are huge hurdles ahead, especially since the border region is still undecided, but it appears that there will be a lot of support coming from all over the East Africa region and world to ensure that this new nation develops to its highest potential. Like the people of South Sudan, I am hopeful that despite the monumental task ahead, this country and the people here will be able to create an environment and country that is conducive to and supportive of the development of all.

Yesterday I flew to Tambura, Western Equatoria ( located in the southwestern portion of the country near Central African Republic) to conduct some trainings and to do an assessment of the education system here. The flight over was a challenge in itself seeing as I could reach out and touch the pilot. The plane was an 8-seater plus two seats for the pilots. I have never prayed so hard in my life. When we landed I wanted to jump off and kiss the ground. From where we landed in Yambio, it’s a 3 hour beautiful drive to Tambura. It is a whole different world from Kuajok for sure. Its green and cooler, there are more varieties of fruits around and you can see more densely populated areas as opposed to the scarcely populated areas of Kuajok. The living quarters are a bit different. There are rooms with cement walls and an bathroom except the bathroom is not hooked up to water. So I can bucket bath in the shower but still have to use a pit latrine. Since there’s no running water I go to a borehole to get my water. The borehole is about 30 yds from my room and a lot easier to pump. My colleagues were shocked to see that I was able to use the borehole and carry water on my head (a skill I mastered in Malawi). This area has been heavily affected by the conflict in DRC, the LRA (Lords Resistant Army) which is responsible for the unrest in the DRC, sporadically moves into this region, mostly to loot the areas in order to get supplies etc. The government of Sudan (this is prior independence) created a militia(well not a militia per se) called Arrow Boys. Basically, they armed young men in villages along the border to prevent the LRA from attacking and to provide security to their areas. This has helped in the reduction of LRA attacks but now you have folks armed up and down the border. There is not much of a presence of the conflict between the north and south (Sudan) here. In terms of development, this area reminds me of traveling up the lakeshore road in Malawi (except the road here is not paved and there is no lake). There are pockets of development and then areas untouched by outsiders. Areas along the southern region tend to be more developed than the northern area of the South Sudan because during the conflict it was difficult to get further north in the country so a lot of the government and NGO measures were focused along the southern border (so along the border region that is shared between South Sudan, CAR, DRC, Uganda and Kenya). When the government of Sudan (prior to independence) kicked out all aid organizations, most organizations would set up shop in one of the bordering countries and operate from there (driving in to South Sudan to implement). I was told by a colleague that it is secure and nice here and that they don’t worry about security issues as much.

Last Day.

This will be my last blog from Southern Sudan. Tomorrow this region of Sudan will officially become its own country and be known as the Republic of South Sudan. It is quite an exciting time to witness the liberation of a nation after decades and decades of civil war. The environment is calm and people are joyous as they prepare to celebrate their first independence day. Being able to witness this, to experience this, probably doesn't have the impact on me that it would on a south Sudanese individual, but I am excited and happy to be able to share in this experience with them. I'm currently in the capital and having the opportunity to witness the preparations and celebrations from the the world's newest capital city has been an experience I can not really wrap my mind around. It's simply beautiful.

As I have been staying in a hotel here, I have watched as the media crews flood in to capture the story of the people of Southern Sudan. It's been interesting seeing them work feverishly to capture the mood, the essence of this time. I have also been able to witness as those that have left southern Sudan during the civil war come back, to celebrate in solidarity with their people. As I see all the what would be deemed as foreigners to those that have stayed, I find myself categorizing the the people. Those that fought, those that walked and those that stayed. Each group and each individual has its own story, its own reason for making the choice to respond in whatever way they did. Whatever choice they have made, their struggles, although very, very different, are the same. Those that fought put their lives on the line and many were lost because they wanted justice for their people. Very brave individuals and independence tomorrow could not happen without their sacrifice. Those that walked, I use that term loosely, some walked, some flew, above all, they have managed to find a way out of the war. Many would think that those that left are not as entitled in saying this is their nation because they did not stay and experience the struggle. But those individuals that walked experienced their own struggles abroad. They may feel guilty for leaving behind their family, their land, their people, but it is because of these individuals and their testimonies the rest of the world is aware and more educated on the people and the conflict here. Then you have those that stayed. They neither fought nor walked. They waited. Although they experienced the burden of uncertainty, they stayed for whatever reasons may or may not have been in their control and their staying, their suffering, is something that is probably something that could never be understood by those that did not stay or those that fought. They went about their lives, i'm sure hopeful that peace would come and patient enough to wait.

My above categorizations are my thoughts. Folks can disagree with me in regards to the struggle, but I feel that any struggle regardless of the form it is presented in is still a struggle. My struggle, is very different from the next, but that doesn't mean that my struggle is any less significant than the next. Maybe to you it is or to him or to her, but to me its real. Most importantly, when I say struggle, it is quite different from suffering. The suffering of individuals is very different and can come in various levels.  (Just wanted to clear that up)

For all of those that have suffered and struggle for the independence of this nation, thank you.


Let the countdown begin!

Fleeting thoughts...

This marks my 8th week in South Sudan. Phew...glad I made it this far and I begin to look at my schedule for the remainder of my time, I am beginning to feel fearful that by the time that I leave I will not feel fulfilled by what I have done here so far. For some reason today I began entertaining the thought of staying longer, with another organization, to get more experience in my field. I've decided that I would only stay if the RIGHT opportunity presents itself. I have this habit of just picking up and going. Not thinking about what I have started somewhere else, relationships , workwise. I shouldn't even entertain such thoughts seeing as i'm still in school and a delay in returning will only delay in my finishing. I have family and friends that I have neglected for far too long and I have a new city that I need to get to know. AHHHHHHHHHH!!! Decisions. Decisions. Decisions.


I'm not going to worry about it, nor will I spend too much of my time thinking about it. I'm going to do my best to focus on the moment during the moment and make the most of the time I do have here.

Carpe Diem!


I can truly say despite the indecisiveness and all the thoughts that occupy my mind and make me unstable, I'm happy and truly love the life I live. Thankful everyday for the blessings that have been bestowed upon me and thankful for the people whos support and encourage me.

Yep. I'm still here.

I may have alarmed some after my last post, please don't be. Although I'm not naive to the situation here, i'm also not going to walk around paranoid and afraid of anything either. It is what is, I am what I am, and i'm here. 8 weeks down and 5 more to go before I'm off on my east African vacation. The question I seem to get quite a bit is if this is worth it. The nightmares, the inability to sleep, the heat, the rice and beans and beans and rice, the horrible roads, the feelings that i'm not operating at my full capacity or abilities, the fear, the unpredictability of things, missing family, missing a summer in the states, missing friends....yeah despite all that I still believe this experience is worth it. I have learned something about myself, what i'm comfortable with and just how far I can push myself before I take a step back. I don't know if this type environment is the right fit for me per se, but I wouldn't know otherwise if I hadn't came to begin with. Life is unpredictable and I have no idea where I will go from here. All I know is I have a better idea of what I can and cannot handle.

In 8 days Southern Sudan will become the Republic of South Sudan. I am happy and excited to be able to witness the birth of this nation. This has been a wonderful opportunity that I will do my best not to take for granted.

Reality Check

(Please read critically and know the not everyone here falls into what is happening; what is being stated is not a picture of all of South Sudan and this email is not to generalize the population. Above all, know that i'm safe)

I'm careful of what I say because I don't want to misinform anyone of the situation here. I don't want to paint a picture of a reality that may not really be the reality and I know that you really can't believe everything that you read. In 10 days, Africa's newest nation will be born. I'm excited but at the same time scared of the fate of this country. I have been somewhat silent on the situation here because I don't want to alarm anyone (particularly my family who get these updates) but I don't know how to put it any other way, the situation here is bad and it will continue to be bad. I'm not in a guerrilla warfare, bombs are not dropping around me and I don't hear gunshots everyday (most of the time its happy shooting...like the other night for the lunar eclipse they were shooting. I was in the field so I missed it but my colleagues told me the funny stories of people running for cover because they thought they were under attack. I guess its good to find something to laugh about in these situations).  Those that are hopeful see the impending independence as the answer to solving the soon to be country's problems, but it's not and it won't. Although the major concern is the conflict between the north and south, there is another conflict brewing and only in time will we be able to see how it plays out. One of the generals in the SPLA (Sudan People's Liberation Army-the army of the south) feels like the current government of South Sudan is marginalizing his people and that there is not an equal representation of his people and other tribes within the new government. This guy-Peter Gadet- has formed his own militia group that is responsible for attacks in towns along the border. Currently, there has been some clashes on the other side of the border-South Kordofan-which the northern army is responsible for, but those on this side (southern) the north is not responsible for directly (indirectly they can be supplying arms). There were attacks in Turalei and Akun and there is a possibility of them moving further south in order to surround Abyei. This is all speculation and reports that have been given by various security officials, there is no way of really knowing until something happens or you are told directly from the source. There has been a rise of military on the roads and this will probably continue to increase over the next coming days and weeks. The situation is currently unpredictable and although we all are hoping for the best, we are preparing for the worst.

In terms of human development, I would say if you put it on a scale it would be in the negative. There is hope, but there would need to be an aggressive overhaul of systems, development measures, and capacity building to make things better. I'm not an expert, but from what I see and what I hear, there's a lot that needs to be done to bring this country to a point where it can begin to think about longer term development. There is a lot of mistrust among the people and because of this it is difficult to get anything done. UNICEF distributed mosquito nets and because they were white people refused to use them due to them being highly visible and fearful that people who are trying to attack them will see them or they think the nets are the government's way of spying. Many will use the nets to create stalls for their animals or to tie other things together. While a woman is breastfeeding, she refrains from having sex, it doesn't curb reproduction because her husband will just take on another wife to have during this time and when that one gets pregnant, he will take another one. Condoms, family planning, HIV/AIDS/STI prevention, all of that are not available. The health centers are..yeah. If they're there they may not have drugs or staff or even open. Guinea worm is a huge issue due to people using open and contaminated water sources. Farming techniques are not there and a family will cultivate a small plot not thinking of longer term food security. Malnutrition rates in this state alone are immeasurable. Hygiene and sanitation, that is a whole other issue. Latrines are pretty non-existent except at locations such as health centers and schools that have been constructed by international NGOs. Kids don't go to school because they're not protected. In the past they could have went to school one day and then a raid occurred and they lost their family. Or they don't have clothes to wear to school. Or there are no teachers. Or there are no books, no materials. Child soldiers are a huge portion of the population, these (mostly) men are now working in the private or government sector and still carry the mentality of being a soldier, don't trust anyone and at times can be aggressive. There is more a hand out mentality than a hand up and for the most part believe that if you want them to have something you will give it to them, otherwise let them be. The reasoning is valid and although I would want to be able to wave a wand and fix everything, its going to take a generation or two to really turn the situation around here. But as they say, Rome wasn't built overnight and neither was the US, so although they are starting from the very beginning, it is possible that things will turn around. For now this is their reality and I have to accept it and accept that this time around I won't do much to change anything.

I've been conflicted because I don't want to make the situation out to be more than what it is but I have to look at reality and trust that what I'm seeing and what I hear is the truth. Of course there is more to the story then I know and will ever know. I'm alert and although I usually rely on my heart to make my decisions, I will have to follow my logic this time and be safe rather than sorry. I'm challenging myself quite a bit, i'm not ready to leave but I also know that this type of work environment (conflict regions) may not be the best fit for me. Its hard constantly thinking about security issues and wondering if something is going to break out. Its hard to focus when there's insecurity and as myself and my colleagues find it difficult to carry out our tasks due to the insecurity and instability, I can only imagine how difficult it is for a Sudanese citizen to build themselves and their family up when they don't have the support network that I have. I can't blame the people for the lack of development among them, i'm sure if they were in a more stable environment it would be easier. But when you have to constant flee and rebuild, you stop investing so much in rebuilding because you never know when you will have to flee.


With hope and in peace.