I remember me.

I didn't think I would write before the new year, but here I am. As the new year approaches, one is innudated with the whole "what's your resolution going to be?" and as much as I prefer not to make them, this year may be a bit different. I like to set goals, I like reaching those goals and being able to look back at the path it took me to get there. A resolution is nothing but a goal and this year I know just exactly what goal I am setting.

Every goal I have set, I have achieved. From getting into my first choice college, to Peace Corps, to grad school and South Sudan. Although there are several things that I would like to have at this point in my life-stability, a career I love and no student debt, an amazing PNC (partner in crime) I have confidence that will all come in time and that I just need to be patient. I have no big goals for this year except to focus more on me. Most people have no problem doing this, they are their first priority, I on the other hand have a hard time making me my first priority. Of course I do things that make me happy but I have made others and serving others, a priority. There are so many things that I need to work on and because my focus has been others, I have neglected myself. I feel neglected and the only way to change that is to make myself the priority. I need to find my center, re-ignite my passion and get myself together-Mind, body, and spirit- and that is what 2012 will be about. I'm looking forward to this renewed sense of self and the recharge that will come with it.

So here's to remembering me in 2012...Cheers!

Being Grateful

This Christmas, like the last few were spent away from my family. In 2007, I was at work. I was working for a homeless shelter in Nashville and just begun the job 2 months prior and did not have enough hours or money saved to travel to Chicago. In 2008, I was in my village in Malawi crying in my chim(toilet) as I spoke with my family while fellow volunteers were in my house falalala-ing away. In 2009, I spent the Christmas morning with my bestfriend Eunice(a primary school teacher in my village) and helped her prepare for her wedding, her mother had past away and in the tradition she was being pampered and prepared by the groom's family. I will never forget her telling me how much she appreciated having me there not only to share that moment but to be a friend amidst people she really didn't know. I then spent 6 hours hitchhiking down the M-1, in the process saving the life of a turtle, trying to make it to the capitol in time to have Christmas dinner with my closest PC friends. In 2010, I spent it with the women at the transitional shelter I work for. Although I would love to spend the holiday with my traditional family doing our Christmas tradition (dinner in Greektown then gift opening at midnight), I was right where I was supposed to be. I'm a firm believer that God (or whomever you believe in), puts you where you're supposed to be and with the people with whom you're supposed to be with. All of my Christmas holidays away from my traditional family were spent with my non-traditional families that have loved and cared for me in the same manner my family has. I'm not sure what my presence has done for those that I have shared Christmas with, but I know that they were all grateful for it. This Christmas, like the past few, I was working. My mom now lives in DC and we got to spend some of the holiday together, but because of our work schedules not as much time as I would have liked. Despite being away from my family, I'm grateful for those that have opened their hearts, homes, and moments to me. I'm grateful that I did not have to spend this holiday on the streets somewhere, cold and lonely. I am grateful for all the nice, thoughtful gifts I received despite not asking for anything. Everything I received is something that I needed and I'm sure God had a hand in that as well. I'm grateful that I can pick up the phone, send a text or dial a number to hear the voices of those I love, I'm grateful for ALL the blessings I have received and continue to receive. I'm grateful that God puts me right where i'm supposed to be and with those that I'm supposed to be with.

Hope this holiday has been filled with joy, love, peace and happiness. I hope that wherever you may have spent it, you realize the blessing that is there and that you are grateful for it. This will probably be my last post for the year (unless something really comes to my mind). 2011 has been filled with a lot of great memories, challenges, successes and defeats. I am grateful for the lessons learned through it all and i'm looking forward to what 2012 has in store for me.

Love, love, love and peace during this holiday season!

Back to teaching?

I have this intense urge. The same intense urge that I felt when I stepped on the campus of Vanderbilt for the first time, the same urge I felt when deciding to apply to Peace Corps, American for grad school and traveling to South Sudan. This urge shows up when I least expect it but it is the indicator that there is something that I need to do. I woke up the other morning and this urge appeared telling me that I need to explore the option of going back to teaching…yes, you read that right. I just might…or I will be a teacher again. I don’t think I ever left the profession but explored other facets within it, now I think I’m ready to step back into a classroom and hopefully create an experience for my students that would leave the same lasting impact that was left on me. The more I explore the idea of whether or not I should teach the more reasons keep appearing as to why I should do it. I’m passionate about education, I’m passionate about being able to open up opportunities and doors to opportunities for others and given the state of this country and where are youth are heading, its time more positive role models stepped in and helped guided them, I believe I can do that. All of my past experiences have given me a better perspective to the world and essentially with this perspective I feel comfortable now, more than I did 5 years ago when I received my degree in education, in influencing and leading the next generation.

I have lucked out in the fact that I do not have to jump through hoops to get a teaching license in DC. I was told that I would simply need first aid/cpr and that I completed all other requirements in undergrad. The exchange for teaching for a few years seems well worth it to me. Besides a decent salary, summers off (which will afford me the opportunity to do some international consulting), full benefits, loan cancellation after 5 years of service and most importantly being a part of the solution in ensuring the next generation has a solid foundation that will better prepare them to be future leaders. Who do I plan on teaching? I know that I’m adequately qualified to teach in one of the better performing schools, but I choose not to. My students will be the ones that are truly left behind, shitted over by society, policy and those that are responsible for making sure they are given an equal shot at having a positive future. Am I superwoman? Well, yes, but I am also realistic that I am not going to walk into a classroom in a lower performing school and save them all and that’s ok. One thing I know is that I am confident in the fact that I will walk into a classroom and be able to change the life of one.

After several different plans that have come to fruition within these past 3 months, this plan is the most feasible and realistic. If I want a PhD in Urban and Minority Education, I am going to have to spend some time in an urban education system where I’m working with minority students. If I’m going to put a dent in my student loan debt, I can’t settle for a low paying position. If I want to save, to travel then I need a career that will allow me to do so. I’m a firm believer that you have to sacrifice to succeed, what is one year or 5 years or 10 years? The beauty of being young is coming to my benefit here. I figured if I stay for the 5 years, I’ll be 32 which is still young enough to change my career if I choose to.

I revisited my graduate admissions essay and came across this statement “…I know I will be able to reach the students who need me the most. The students who color outside the lines, think outside the box, and ask questions that are relevant to their understanding of the world. These students are waiting for a teacher who understands them; I know these students are waiting for me.” I know education is my calling and although I’m still trying to figure just where in education I fit best, it is important for me to comfortably and confidently say I tried and it didn’t work before moving on.

I think I’m ready to become a teacher again.

Defining Moments

Lately, I find myself reflecting a lot on defining moments. What happened and when that triggered some sort of shift in my thought process. I decided to share some of my defining moments.

1. My first crush
I was 5. This is probably one of my earliest memories. I was so in love with MC, blonde hair and blue eyed, he was just dreamy in my eyes. MC didn't feel the same way. I had a crush on him until the 3rd grade when I realized that there will never be anything between us (so early to think this way but I guess its an innate thing). I guess this would be my first experience with men, the ones you want you don't always get and vice versa. Just brush yourself off because there is always another one on the horizon.

2. My parents separation/divorce
This was the hardest part of my childhood. The amount of emotions and pain and lack of control over a situation and I think the recognition that nothing or NO ONE has a guaranteedn presence in your life. Love people when you can because they can leave before you know it. As a product of divorce, I'm steadfast in the idea that if I ever get married it would be forever. I guess partner selection, ability to communicate and compromise and investing in truly getting to know a person are a must. I refuse to make that type of commitment to a person out of loneliness.

3. Moving
In the 6th grade my family moved an hour from where I grew up. Although it was exciting to have something new to experience, it was difficult having to start over. Patience, flexibility, adaptability and self-resilience came to play here. I had to learn how to adjust to wherever I was and I had to learn how to rely on myself.

4. Traveling blues
My mom had a job managing a blues musician and because of this traveled quite a bit. I would take on the responsibility of the house, making sure it was clean, there was food, doling out allowances etc.. This was my first "mothering" experience. I was 14 and although I enjoyed the responsibility, I sometimes wished I didn't have it.

5. Moving back
My family moved back to where I grew up going into my sophomore year. It was great to be back but I have missed a big portion of influential years with friends and felt left out quite a bit because of it. I couldn't help but feel different because my experience was different and not shaped by the same things as theirs.

6. Losing our home
A series of events including a break up involving my mother ended in us losing our home and essentially becoming homeless. I had a place to stay on the couch of a great friend. During this time I worked quite a bit to help my family, but like divorce it just emphasized that nothing is guaranteed and one must have a plan for everything. Experiencing this as made me more dependent on myself than others which can play out in several different ways when engaging in romantic relationships and it taught me how to be frugal or cautious with money. I budget because you never know what type of emergency may arise. It is because of this that I'm in the line of work i'm in now, it was the first catalyst to going into public service work.

7. Appalachia Service Project
My first real experience doing service. I went with my church group to rehabilitate homes in the Appalachian Mountains. My first time seeing poverty to this degree, allowing me to realize that although I may have had it bad, there was someone out there with it much worse. I also realized as much as I was giving, I was receiving and it was the springboard into a life of service.

8. English teacher and acceptance
My senior year was pivotal. I worked....A LOT. So when it came to applying to colleges, I had time for two-Tulane and Vanderbilt. During this time I had an English teacher who was supportive and encouraging despite others believing those schools were out of my league (I didn't think so, I had a solid GPA and all that they required). Despite all the naysayers, having one person who really didn't know me but believed in me made all the difference. I got my first rejection from Tulane and I remember thinking that my future is now over because if they didn't accept me, neither would Vanderbilt. I was blessed that Vanderbilt saw something in me that Tulane didn't and accepted me into their school of education (Proud Peabody grad!) I wanted to be a high school English teacher so I could have a positive impact on students the way my English teacher had on me.

9. Vandy
Vanderbilt was a whole new world. The amount of wealth present was astounding. I felt like a rag child in comparison. I didn't come from money, I had to work in the cafeteria serving up half chickens to get a free meal plan and some cash to have in my pockets. I didn't have money for the excess so I didn't pretend like I did and I made sure not to overindulge to ensure that in case I couldn't (which tended to be the case) get it from home, I had something. I experienced a range of emotions from rage to jealousy to resentment because these kids had abundant amount of money at their fingertips from mommy and daddy and I had to slave away cleaning up chicken grease. The distribution of wealth was something I didn't quite understand abstractly but experienced first hand. On the upside, I met some of the most AMAZING friends and had some of the most amazing experiences.

10. GED
My first teaching gig was as a volunteer teaching assistant for a women's adult GED program. I loved my fellow teacher and my students and it felt good to be a part of a community outside of Vanderbilt. It was then that I realized that I do not belong in the formal education system but that my interests were more aligned with providing educational opportunities for those that are often left out or forgotten. I continued to teach with this class past the time expected for the class requirement and for the remaining 4 years I lived in Nashville (including the year after I graduated).

11. Panera Bread
I spent my last two years of school working at Panera as a trainer. I loved my job, not because I was dealing with bagels and soups but the team I was  a part of (just like one dysfunctional family) and the interactions with our regular customers. Although it was a great job, if you have read my post about lessons learned, you will see that I was treated a bit differently because I was serving and not be served. I would get angry that people assumed that I was some lowlife that was there probably trying to feed my babies with different baby daddies and couldn't be all that intelligent. The look of shock on their faces when they found out I was a student at the prestigious university across the street was enough validation, but this experience has made me never to assume the capabilities of another individual just because of the side of the counter they're on.

12. Shelter life
Throughout college, I volunteered at a homeless shelter in Nashville. I then took a job there upon graduation. Not doing anything all that related to my degree but still being presented a healthy challenge. I loved my job. It was the perfect balance of faith and spirituality and services. I felt at home, they became my family and at times I wish I could go back.

13. Peace Corps
I always wanted to go to Africa, since I was little but knew that I could never afford such a trip on my own. When I found out about Peace Corps I realized that it is the perfect opportunity. I could travel and combine my love for service into one. No brainer. So I applied, took me two years but finally got placed in Malawi. Malawi and my experience there was simply amazing and probably one of the most pivotal moments in my adult life. Because of the pseudo-isolation, one gets really involved in themselves and their thought. I was able to digest, reflect, and heal from all the previous experiences and I was able to find out who I was or wanted to be and become comfortable with the person that I am.

14. Grad School
I decided to go to grad school after my first year in Malawi and finding a program that was the right mix and what I felt to be a good fit for me was important. A good friend of mine and a graduate of the program i'm in convinced me based on what I wanted to do that the International Training and Education Program (ITEP) at American Univ. would be a good fit. I agree, I have a learned a lot that it very applicable and practical to any type of work I find myself engaging in.

15. The diagnosis of a friend
A good friend from college was diagnosed with breast cancer at 25. Now this is a shock to all because breast cancer tends to be a disease found in older women, but leave it to my vivacious, fun-loving friend to change that. I'm not the best in these types of situations but realizing that no one is invincible, that anything can happen at anytime and that life is meant to be lived to the fullest, with no regrets had given me the freedom to be more carefree. To enjoy what I do and do what I enjoy without feeling guilty. For putting me first, for being direct and honest.

16. Love
I decided to save the best for last. I can say honestly that I have been in love a few times, i'm not going to go into details about it. But love is a funny and beautiful thing. You feel every range of emotion possible and another person has the ability to dictate the feelings that you have of yourself and of that moment. After the first 2 heartbreaks, I sealed up the vault not completely allowing myself to go that far with any other individual. To let someone come in, get down to your core and leave is something that is not easily forgotten and brings a lot of pain that may take a lot of time to heal. I'm at a point where i'm ready to open the vault.

Of course there are a few other defining moments that I haven't shared here, I wasn't expecting this many to begin with but I guess when you open the flood gates, expect things to come rushing out. I'm proud of my experiences, the scars, the memories that have stemmed from them because i'm proud of the person that I turned out to be.

The Five Regrets

Double whammy of a blog day...came across this on the blog of my favorite author, Paulo Coehlo, and thought I would share...enjoy!


(One of my friends here sent me a link while commenting on “Insult the dead”. I checked it and I stumbled upon a very interesting text by Bonnie Ware. Below a resumée: )
 

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.


2. I wish I didn't work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.


3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.


4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.


5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.


Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

Healing the broken

Scars. We all have them. Scars from people who took for granted what we had to offer. Scars from people who failed to see the gifts that we bring to this world. Scars that prevent us from being who we are.

I like many have had my share of broken hearts. I remember my first heartbreak I was 8 and my father left. I try not to put to much of my personal life in my blog particularly when it involves specific people but for this instance I will allow it. Daddy's little girl I was so when he left, I was left feeling incomplete. Although I know that it was not my fault, I held for a very, very long time the hurt and heartache from that experience. Confused and not understanding why, I made it a point not to allow myself to get close to any man out of the fear that I would be left feeling the way I did when my father left. Classic story I know, a girl with daddy issues. Although I moved past the initial pain, I carried it around like a monkey on my back until I finally got tired of carrying that burden. I opened myself and my heart to individuals who were not in places to receive it, cherish and take care of it and after each heartbreak I promised myself that I wouldn't allow myself to fall again, it hurt too much and in the end I was the one to lose. As I have gotten older I have a realized a shift in my perspective when it comes to relationships. I got tired of carrying the burden, of allowing myself to feel disappointed if something that could have potentially worked out didn't and I realized above all that in order to heal I would have to get to the root of the issue and face it head on.

After a lapse in time, I re-established a relationship with my father. This was not the easiest process or thing to do because I was still a bit weary of whether or not history would repeat itself. I knew that if I didn't forgive him, If I didn't give it a try I would forever be broken and I wanted to be healed. Being older an understanding that everyone has their own demons which has allowed me to be more empathetic towards my father. It has also allowed for me to recognize that if I could not have a healthy relationship with this man who was once the center of my world, I will never be able to give of myself completely to another man. I was setting every man that could have potentially turned into more for failure because I was failing to deal with my own issues. I'm still working on my relationship with my father, I think we both recognize what went wrong and although unspoken, have decided to move past it. I'm grateful that despite the pain I am able to come on top stronger, wiser, and more ready for the next challenge that is presented.

It took me a whole lot of meditation, prayer, reading and reflection to understand the root of the issue and to give me the strength to deal with it. I love love, I love being in love, I love sharing love, I love seeing love, and in order for this I had to be in a position to accept it, to witness it, and to give it. Its a journey i'm still on, i'm still learning, i'm still experiencing and as each day passes, as each relationship I encounter unfolds I am able to learn, love and appreciate the experience for what it is and not what I think it should be. I have blessed in the fact that at 26 I have been given this perspective, that I am able to engage in healthy relationships and exit them when needed without feeling like I have wasted time or lost a part of myself. It is my only wish that others were able to feel the same and to know how to do the same.

I find myself meeting quite a few guys that are broken (and some girlfriends, but for the sake of this blog im just focusing on the men). I can't fix them. I have given up the idea that my unconditional love, compassion, comfort, and listening ear would be able to fix them and change their perspective. I have realized that my unconditional love, compassion, comfort and listening ear can only provide the support needed for them to move forward, to heal, but they have to do it for themselves in order for it to last. I used to think that I could fix them but that was because I subconsciously thought I was fixing my father, a task that was entirely out of my control. It's quite sad the impact that individuals have on eachother and it's quite sad that that impact can change an individual's entire perspective and outlook on life. I know over time the wounds caused by others become scars and those scars may fade a little but will always be there. So either learn to accept and move past them or continue living bound to a past that you wanted to move forward from.

Love is an amazingly beautiful thing when done with the best intentions. Nothing is ever lost when one loves because there is a lesson learned in everything. As I have said before, it is always better to be grateful that it happened then sad that it's over. I know that for each man I have ever let into my space to share my world, I have walked a way with the knowledge the confidence to apply whatever I learned in the next relationship. Life is meant to be lived and life involves risks, sometimes taking a risk leads down an unexpected road to something beautiful.

“You have to take risks. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen.” -Paulo Coehlo