Lately I have been doing a lot of reflecting. My thoughts have been scattered trying to juggle them all, trying to compartmentalize things so they make sense. My mind was being pulled in several different ways and finding out how to center everything, balance everything, sort through everything, just became downright exhausting. Physically i've been doing well. No illness this year (knock on wood), eating better, exercising (lost 11lbs in the last 3 wks!), sleeping adequately, but despite being in what physically feels like a great position, i've been mentally exhausted. Trying to juggle job searches, relationships and remaining focused on personal goals has just been to much resulting in some unpleasant situations for myself and some others around me. Today I decided that i'm going to declutter my thoughts, i'm going to put to rest the things that burden me and begin taking the steps to move forward, happy, physically and mentally stronger. Situations change, people change, and being in one transition after another can be and has been exhausting. A good friend told me that I handle transitions with grace and poise, although I am flattered by this compliment, outwardly that is the truth, inwardly has not been the case. I hate transitions and ironically my life has been one transition after another for the past 5 years. So today I took inventory. I wrote down the things that I like, the things that I dislike and the things I want. Here is the inventory....
Things I like: *my curly hair*my brown eyes* my breast* my loyalty* my determination* my optimism* my organizational skills* my slightly OCD behaviors* my loving nature* my ability to forgive* my ability to accept*my willingness to help others* my patience* my hands* my ability to empathize* my ability to not sweat the small stuff* my ability to avoid conflict* my unique knees* my committment to those I love* my ability to focus my thoughts-to think deeply* my past experiences* the scar on the middle of my shin that looks like a bullet wound* my uniquely placed beauty marks*my ability to keep it moving* my crooked smile* my passion*
Things I dislike: *my nose* my butt(or lack there of)* my inability to create boundaries*my slightly OCD behaviors* my escape mentality* my stoic persona* my feet* my lack of trust* my space cadet/distant ways* my inability to connect with people on a basic level* my inability to make small decisions* my high and low moods* my crooked smile* my fear of committment*my inability to see people the way they present themselves*keeping people in my life past their expiration date*
Things I want: *stability* joy(endless)* balance* peace* freedom* a phat azz :)* consistency* spontaneity (spelling lessons perhaps?)* more fulfilling relationships* to write more* a stronger committment to spiritual growth* ability to stay committed (or make long term committments)* make a solid group of core friends*quality time with friends/family* hobbies* to make me a priority* longer hair* more meaningful conversations* to travel (a lot)* not to push people away* time to explore* love (lots)*
So what's the purpose of taking an inventory? Well, it's good to see everything down in front of you opposed to keeping it inside your head. There are somethings that I dislike that I accept, there are some things that I want that will be an ongoing process, there's things that I like that will change, stay the same, or increase. I'm learning to accept things as they are for now, roll with the punches, and be optimistic about all that future will hold for me. It's been a funky few months but now that i'm decluttering and taking the necessary steps to make myself a priority things are looking up. I highly recommend doing an inventory, it puts a lot of things in a good perspective. I'm grateful for everything and everyone that life has presented me and I know there is more good in store.
until next time...
"Never put permanent thinking on temporary situations" (me)
