Taking a break

So as I type, i'm sick....again. This is the 2nd time in 3 months that I have had a knock me out cold/flu and although I would like to blame it on the population I work with, I can't put it all on them. See this is unusual seeing as i've been sick twice in the last 3 years. My immune system is rock solid but obviously something keeps penetrating it and I think i've figured it out. Trusting the signs that are put in front of me I can only assume that this is God way of saying slow down, take a breather, catch your bearings and get ready because what is about to happen is going to have you hit the ground running so fast, so hard that there won't be time for breaks. I know this is the case and as much as I want to pick up and begin doing some work while I lay in bed with a clouded head (a combo of the illness and the meds) something keeps telling me to wait, be patient because all that needs to get done will still be there tomorrow and will get done then.

Lately I have been stressing myself out with all that needs to get done along with a few other things. Being sick and not really capable of doing much has given me a good amount of time to think, straighten out all the loose wires and figure out just what it is I need to do. I was looking for full time work, finishing up licensure requirements for teaching, applying to teaching positions, working on my Capstone project (which is a project that shows the skills I have acquired in grad school, must pass with a B in order to graduate),an education assessment and program design for an organization that works with children in Nigeria, and having a social life including time with friends and dating. As I read all of that, whew! It's makes me tired and made me realize that I need to cut out some things. So the full-time job search was the first thing to go. I have 2 part-time jobs currently and may pick up a temporary part-time job for a month. My bills including rent are paid up so I have until September or so to really start worrying about it (besides the no healthcare aspect). So financially i'm set and comfortable with where I am now. I technically have until the beginning of the school year to get my license, I won't until the last minute but that has been pushed back slightly in my priorities. My deadline for the Nigeria project has been pushed back as well, leaving the capstone and teacher application the two things remaining. Capstone is ongoing and as long as I dedicate a significant amount of time to it weekly I should be good and the teacher application opens tomorrow so I hope to submit that by the end of the week and have it off of my plate. I'm still finding that balance with my social life and everything else, dating is not a priority for sure. If it happens it happens but I obviously don't have all that much time to devote to any one individual or trying to nurture a relationship. It's all coming together, finally. There's a clear direction and some logical steps to follow. My mind is no longer swimming all over the place and now has a central focus...phew. Going to enjoy have a legitimate excuse for not doing anything, back to being sick until tomorrow when the fun begins!

10 Things I Want To Say To A Black Woman by Joshua Bennett

so powerful.

From my heart to my mind to you.

So i've been scratching my head on what I should write. I asked a couple friends and although I didn't receive many responses, one friend told me to " write whatever is in your heart." Now for me, whatever is in my heart, tends to be on my mind as well. I've been thinking a lot about the whole dating thing, why I am still single, where will I be employed next, what makes me happy, what is my purpose and how i'm going to change the world. So seeing as all this is going on upstairs and in there, I figured I would write about all of them. Whatever comes to my mind as a message from the heart and hopefully, a level of clarity is reached when i'm done. So, hope you're ready because here it goes.

Dating.
Now this is new to me. I'm a serial relationship type person. One relationship to another but after being out of a relationship for close to year, I have become quite comfortable in my role as dater. I have also come to realize that dating is essential in figuring out if someone is worth being in a relationship with you. My rule when it comes to dating have become rather defined over time. Intimacy is something that happens at the right time and shouldn't be rushed into. Dates at this point of the game are a dual arrangement therefore both parties should be prepared to carry their own weight ( i.e initiating conversation, outings, and payment of outing). Although I have always been quick to divulge too much of myself, my story, I think its good to ease into it and ease into letting a person know what makes you unique. Most importantly, dating is meant to be fun. If both people are clear in their intentions then it leaves a whole lot of space for fun. Have a good time and worry about the rest when it presents itself.

Now for women, we often times go into competition mode when we know that the person we are interested in is still dating others. A) you're not together so chill out. B) If you think highly of yourself you realize that there is no competition. We all have gifts to give to this world and we all bring are own unique self to those we interact with, if you're dating why limit yourself to just one, particulary if the person you're interested is not. Dating is like picking fruit, you pick up a few (or several) check them out, realize its not what you want, put it down, do the same thing over until you find the one you do want. A man that is dating others should not be a threat to you, if you know you have a lot to offer someone and just as much as he is determining whether you're what he wants, you should be doing the same. Do not wait to get picked, go out and do the picking!

Why am I still single?
Easy, God has an amazing man that will be presented (or has/is) to me when I am ready to receive them in that way. I have things to work on for myself, my career, my personal development goals, and my plot to take over the world so in the meantime, i'll take my time to develop myself to be the woman I want to be and be patient for that moment to come, enjoying the road along the way.

Future employment
I'm well aware of the holes in my experience. Project management, grant management, teaching (in a traditional classroom). I'm confused as to which direction I should take in filling these holes, but i'm open to any new learning experience that may come about. I have a lot of faith that where I will end up is where I am supposed to be and I have faith that if it doesn't work out where I end up another door will be opened. For now, i'm seeking employment in any of the fields that will plug up the holes that I have. I have to remind myself that at 26, I have extensive experience and I know by 30 I'll be on fire...watchout!

What makes me happy?
Orange roses. Random acts of kindness. Positive energy. Smiles. Family. Friends. Freedom. Faith. Love. Hope. Health. Sharing. Compassion. Passion. Laughter. Pineapples. Animals. Traveling. My Curly Hair. Friendly People.Random conversations with strangers. Life. My Life.

My purpose and how i'm going to change the world
These two should be in a blog of their own. I know that I was blessed with the heart that I have to do something to bring love, peace, and happiness to others. In what capacity I am not sure, but I do my best in my day to day interactions to bring that to those I interact with. I know i'm going to change the world even if its just the one I live in.

Being a twin.

On June 8, 1985 at 8:18am a beautiful baby girl weighing in at 7lbs 11 oz entered the world. This beautiful baby was me and at that moment all was right in the world. For a whole two minutes my birth was the most glorious thing to happen for the people witnessing it. I had a whole 120 seconds to myself. Most children get a few hours, days, or years to have the light shine upon them. I had two minutes because my twin brother would make his entrance and steal the light from me. Ok, he didn't steal it, we just had to "share" it. I'm sure, knowing how I am, I was hoping that he would go back to where he came from, but alas, not the case and we had to continue sharing the moment and the rest of our lives, as twins. I think that sharing comes easily to twins because we never had a moment that we weren't sharing. From conception to now, we are and always will be apart of a pair. Twins. Like a club that everyone wants to be apart of but doesn't quite understand what comes with being in this club. Having to share toys, friends, and birthdays! The one day that is supposed to be about you, you have to share with sometimes the person who annoys you the most. Being a twin can be hard work, it can be draining and at times you may wish that for a moment you aren't apart of an automatic pair. Being a twin is nothing like being married because when you are a twin you don't get to choose your partner, your partner automatically shows up and you just have to deal. Answering questions about being a twin can be tiresome, like you're some type of weird science experiment that went wrong. Questions like "do you feel his pain?" (NO) "do you know what eachother is thinking?"(NO) or my favorite "what's it like being a twin?"(See below) Well, i'm sure it's nothing like being a single child who never had to share a birthday.

Despite all of this, surprisingly, I would never give up being a twin or my twin brother for anything in the world.

See what people don't know about being a twin is that you come into the world with a friend. Someone you had an extensive time to conduct one-on-one interview with to determine whether or not they're worthy of your friendship (ok that's not proven but i'm sure twins talk while sharing that crammed space and i'm sure the conversation may fall along the lines of "can you move your hand its cutting off my food supply" or "what should we do when we bust out of this joint?"). My twin brother, is not just my brother but my friend. He is the one person I know will always be there, will never judge me and always give me his honest opinion. I mean come on, who wouldn't feel comfortable doing so after spending so much time together initially? My twin brother and I are complete opposites, in a good way. We even live on opposite sides of the country! Even though there is a time difference and several miles separating us, we are still close. He is the first person I call when I'm making a big decision that i'm unsure of how my mom would handle and vice versa.We are able to learn from eachother and provide a perspective that is different than our own. We have an understanding that I know I don't share with my other siblings. My twin brother is one of my favorite people in this world, he inspires me and I am grateful that it is him that I have to share this life with. So to answer the question of what's like being a twin, well, it something wonderful that can't be explained. Being a twin to me is just as normal as being a girl, being biracial, and being intelligent and beautiful(yeah I threw that in there), it's natural and honestly I don't know what it's like not being one so I can't really compare it to anything. One thing i'm sure of I wouldn't change it for anything in the world.

Of course I was the cuter one... :)

My favorite girls!

My nieces and I while I was in Chicago in October (2011).

Reflections

Like many, the new year is one of my favorite times of the year. Actually, the new year next to my birthday (which is conveniently shared with someone else) IS my favorite time of year. I think quite a bit, i'm always thinking; sometimes about perplexing life situations other times about random things I perceive while walking up the street or people or whatever pops up at the moment. I am always thinking. Sometimes I think way to much, over analyzing, breaking it down piece by piece moment by moment to understand what lesson is being presented, what is it that I need to know. Anyway, the reason why I love new years (and my birthday which is 6 months after) so much is the focus put on reflection. Sometimes we make it through life, going through the motions without actually thinking about how those motions have created our lives to be what they are and how a change, any change, in those motions can change the lives we are creating. I love reflecting and next to thinking of random things, I am often reflecting on something I've done, something i've said, something i've thought, to gain a better understanding and sometimes appreciation for whatever happened in those moments. We all have things that can be approved upon, we all have things that we need to learn and sometimes we are our own best teachers. Reflecting allows us to learn what was done well or what needs to be changed. I'm a big fan of looking at lessons learned (I have  a previous post on them) and as a new year is beginning, I would like to look at the lessons learned in the previous year.

1. Never give with the expectation of receiving something in return. This goes for anything. I hate when people complain about giving someone a dollar that is begging because they think they're going to spend it on alcohol or drugs. Ummm...if you are that worried, then don't give and don't say anything. We have no idea what that person is going to do and once you give something to someone its theirs. Don't worry about that dollar, you gave it for a reason and once it has left your hands, its time to let go of thoughts of what it may be used for. This also goes for love. Love everyone freely, with no reservations and you would be surprised at the amount of love you receive in return without having to ask. We all know i'm a sucker for love and all that jazz and I have no problem letting people know I like, care, love, appreciate (whatever action word) them. I do not do this to get some type of reaction in my favor out of them, my own personal validation is not based on how others feel about me and I enjoy the feeling of being able to put a smile on the face of someone else. Pass the love on!

2. Be patient. This past year has taken me all over (literally and figuratively). My ideas of just where I am headed were across the board and I just wasn't sure what exactly it is that i'm going to do, I just wanted to do it and be doing it...now. There is a process for everything. Nothing happens overnight and there may be sometime before a plan becomes an action. As stated in lessons learned, don't be afraid to go after what you want...and wait patiently for it to come. There are several things I want, I want to be my own boss. I want to change the world, I want a wonderful husband, I want stability, love, peace and happiness. All things that I want, I believe will happen...in time. As for now, I need to enjoy the road that is leading me to all that I want, take the necessary steps to getting what I want and to be patient through it all because everything has always worked itself out...and often times in my favor :)

3.Keep the faith. My experience in S.Sudan was extremely discouraging on several levels. I didn't realize this until after the fact and this experience almost pushed me away from what I am passionate about that was until I realized that its just one experience in many and one bump of many to throwing me off my path. I am a firm believer in faith and holding on to ones faith to get through difficult, sometimes hard to understand situations. I use my faith as guidance when navigating through difficult situations, knowing that wherever i'm led i'm supposed to be there. I have been led to where I am and one bump in the road is not going to throw me off my path; that bump may create a new path to be followed and i'm ok with that.

4. Trust your instincts. This goes hand in hand with faith. If you have faith that where you are being led is where you are supposed to be, then you will have no problem trusting your instincts. Instincts, I believe are God's way of telling you where he wants you to go.Trust it, appreciate the lessons presented and know that wherever the end is you're supposed to be there.

5. Take risks. Do not be afraid to take a risk if your instincts are telling you to. Yeah you may fall flat on your face or the end may not have been what you expected or hoped for, but there's a lesson there you are meant to learn. Everything happens for a reason.