Time.

In the past couple of weeks, I have had two separate conversations about the use of time. One conversation involved an individual interested in me romantically (sadly but gladly the feeling is not mutual) who made the comment that I'm too busy and never make time for them. Now had I deemed this person a friend and had I known them longer than 2 months, I may have felt some type of way by that statement and aligned my actions with the way I felt. But alas, I don't and my actions have followed suit (and there is not much action on my part). The other conversation was with my cousin and aunt over brunch. My cousin brought up the fact that my aunt needs to put herself out there and date more (she's mid-60s). My aunt responded that she has tried a plethora of dating sites only to be disappointed by the lies (and I can totally understand that and will leave it for a separate post at a later date) and really has no desire to give up the things she enjoys to invest in the pursuit of finding a partner. She feels that while doing the things she loves, her boo thang will appear and they will do those things together. Boom. Ain't that the truth?

I'm a planner. I tried to change. I tried to let go of my calendar and just flow with it, I tried not to fill up my time with things I enjoy, to be idle. I tried. I really did. Sadly, it's just not me. Everything I put my time towards, I truly enjoy hence why I make time for it. Between work, side hustles, and volunteering, my free time is "limited" and as a result of finding balance and finding value, I choose to use that time to enjoy the company of those I really enjoy and to do the things I find pleasure in. And all of that goes into my google calendar. I even write my mom in my calendar. This is not to say that she is less important or that I can't see or spend time with her outside of the time on my calendar. It to me says, that you or whatever it is, is important enough for me to give my time (something you can never get back) to and I want to make sure that there are no distractions or interferences when it comes to that time. My ex complained that I didn't have time for him, I beg to differ. He may have had too much time and may not understood that the things I commit myself to are things that I see as an extension of myself (and for the betterment of the community). I felt guilty when people would complain about  my planner ways, but really I don't care. It works for me and it allows me the ability to enjoy everything I commit to the fullest. I believe in making time for the things that are important to you, important to your development, important to your connection to the world and because of this I will continue to fill out my calendar making time for the things that matter most to me.

When you release....you receive

I asked my bestfriend what I should write about and she was just as unsure as I was. Given all that is going on and all that has gone on, i've been having a hard time wrapping my mind around just one thing that would be good enough to focus on for a post. As I look back at this summer and recent events, the one thing that pops into my mind is the word release. So as I release these words here, hopefully I can find some sort of meaning in all the thoughts scrambled in my mind and perhaps you will find something for you too.

If the beginning of the summer was any indication of how this summer was going to go, I could confidently say it would have sucked. really bad. In one week I celebrated a birthday, a death, and a break up. Waaaaay tooo much, right?! I wasn't in space like woe is me or anything but I was taken back at all the monumental things that occurred within such a short period of time that I could not quite digest each one. They say when it rains it pours, and that it did. Thank God I invested in that sturdy $2 umbrella from Ikea...

Now that I look back, i'm grateful that all of that happened at once because it forced me to acknowledge the power of release. Most folks that know me know that I practice a more metaphysical type of "religion" and that at the center of my beliefs is the idea that the mind is powerful beyond measure both consciously and subconsciously and these conscious and subconscious thoughts manifest themselves into a physical space. (Hopefully I didn't lose you there because I really do have a point..haha). The actions of that dreadful week in June were a result of my mind manifesting my desires. The correlating theme in all of those events is release, letting go, setting free..however you want to phrase it. The universe and my mind both aligned to present me with an opportunity to release the concepts that imprisoned me in order to make space for a new way of thinking and being. And in all honesty, It was about damn time. All of my actions leading up to this were aligning me to this experience in order to be in a position to accept it and move forward from it all.

So what was I releasing? The idea of permanency. Nothing in this life is permanent. Nothing is guaranteed. When we hold on to the idea that things are guaranteed, permanent, belonging to us, etc.. we are allowing ourselves to be controlled by it. This goes for objects, people, situations, etc. When we busy ourselves with thoughts of ways to hold on to something, we lose time appreciating it.When we hold on to things that are not meant to be held on to, we lose ourselves. When we release the things that we hold ourselves bound to, we create a space for all the things that we are meant to have.

I took some down time to digest all that went on and I'm still taking time to really figure out the path moving forward, but in the end I feel confident in knowing that the direction I am heading in is the right one.