Spring has sprung

After getting lost in life's woes for the month of March, i'm excited for spring. Beside the whole allergies kicking my ass and leaving me feel like a sloppy mess in the morning or waking up in the middle of the night with watery eyes, running nose, and feeling like poo ( I have Allegra-D on speed dial). But that is another issue for a different day. I've been in my new position a little over a month and enjoying it. Everyday i'm learning and being challenged, which is important to me. I like my coworkers and appreciate the diverse experiences they bring to the table. All in all, I am happy with the decision to stay and take this position. I'm sure Afghanistan would have had it's challenges and learning experiences, part of me just wasn't ready to pack it all up and re-live the expat life again. So here I am, in DC for the long haul. And the best part of it all is that spring is here! The temperatures are rising, I can escape the drab colors of winter and bask in the lively spring colors. And with spring comes a re-emergence of myself. As corny and cliche as this metaphor will be, I'm truly like a flower, coming to light at the right time and enjoying all that is around me. Winter was spent finding some stability and figuring out what I want and how to create those happy spaces. Some of those times more difficult than others but in the end presenting me with the lesson that life will present you with the things that are meant to be presented when they're meant to be presented and things should not be forced. You can't force people to be your friend, you can't force an experience to happen, you can't force life to happen. You have to let life happen and find ways to enjoy it as it does. I'm excited for the better weather and hanging out with friends, I am excited about how things will unfold at work and I am excited about all that will come.

Spring has sprung!

In the end...

Lately Alicia Keys song "Brand New Me" has been speaking to me. Probably because my current station in life is easily relateable to the lyrics in the song. I am overwhelmed in a good way. Good news is I finally secured a position that I believe would be a great fit for me and the next step in my career. I am super excited about this upcoming adventure and all that I will learn, all the challenges I will face, all the people I will meet, all the experiences that will stem from this opportunity. So yay me! Additionally, I started a girls empowerment program here in DC. The program meets twice a month and so far the girls are amazing! Their energy and outlook and optimism despite some of the circumstances they face is inspiring. After Saturday's program, the organization's director told me I had a glow, which a) i'm in my element and doing what I love to do b) being around the girls gives me the charge I need to re-energize myself. Looking at their faces and seeing their reactions and enthuasism and openness to what we're doing, reminds me of how I was before I let life's situations burden me. I'm feeling empowered again and maybe it has to do with the fact that spring is around the corner, but i'm happy to be in this space and happy for all the lessons that I have learned. This ends a chapter for me, a pretty short one, but it's coming to a close.

This past chapter taught me lessons in love, perservance, and self-worth. Although some of these lessons were repeats, I am happy to have gone through it in order to re-learn most of what I knew before. Never ever give up and never lose sight of yourself and what you want. Most importanly, know in the end there are always new beginnings.

Until next time...

With a little help from my friends

It's the one day of the year that will either leave you feeling blissfully happy, angry, or indifferent. Yes folks, it's Valentine's Day. If you're like me, you're both happy and indifferent to this day. Happy because it's day that is being recognized for love and I love love, in all forms. Indifferent because really it's just another day, a part of another week, in a different month. Anyway, I choose to use this day to examine relationships that I have in my life. With all the books that are out these days about how to find a man, how to keep a man, how to think like a man, how to me be a better friend, how to have successful relationships with women, how to...you get it. There's a lot of how tos out here and really although there is some truth in the information that is presented in them, that information always seems distant. There is no real connection to the words, because there is no real connection to the person who is writing them. I love the people that surround me and I love hearing their experiences because in those experiences I am able to learn something. So I decided for this blog I would get some help from my friends.

A couple of weeks ago I sent out a mass email to a great group of women asking them to share with me their thoughts on relationships. I posed the question "What lesson(s) have you learned in your relationships (friends and romantic-you can decide what you choose to share) that you wished you known sooner? Or learned before?" Basically, what would you tell your younger self about relationships from the lessons you have learned. At first when writing the email I thought I wouldn't get any responses because let's face it, it's a little weird and awkward. But I was overwhelmed by the responses and loved reading them. There was a point I felt selfish because I was gaining all this wisdom from my friends and giving nothing in return. Well, I am. I keeping them anonymous but will share their words of wisdom with you in this blog.

So without further ado...

What every woman should know about relationships with men...

(Most) Men are very honest about who they are and their intentions up front. Often times they say pay attention to his actions more than his words, but his words are just as important as those actions. He will tell you directly what he wants and what he's looking for. ACCEPT IT. Not every man is meant to be your boyfriend, and not every man is meant to play a significant role in your life and that is ok. As one girlfriend put it..."Sometimes they're just meant to be a great love affair" I agree. Sometimes that man is simply put in your life to let you let your hair down and have a good time.

Which leads to my next point...don't compromise yourself. I am a firm believer that someone else can not complete you, they can enhance, but not complete. If you're not stable in who you are and complete on your own, then every man that comes into your life will compromise YOU. At first you will be ok with this, but then there will come a point when you won't be and when that point comes you will be unhappy. Every relationship is a give and take, a compromise, but keep that in mind, the relationship and actions to make that relationship work is the compromise, not you. Trust me, men will love you for who you are and if they don't then are they really worth keeping? This goes back to the previous one, if you know who you are and what you want, then you won't fall for the men that are not in it to win it. Know what you're willing to compromise and stick to that. Don't waiver and don't worry, when one leaves, there will be another on the horizon.

Know what you want from a man and do not be afraid to get the rest from your friends. I don't want to date someone that is my twin. I think it's quite healthy for people in a relationship to have their own interests and of course shared interests. I think this allows you to still be you while still in a relationship with someone. Sure my partner doesn't like eating exotic food, that's ok I have friends that do. Sure my partner prefers to go bowling instead of ice skating, that's ok I have friends that do. I'm not against having a partner that is on the opposite end of the spectrum that I am on as long as they are willing to meet in the middle and are open to exploring each others interests.

I am all about control and I think having control in a relationship is of course give and take, but make sure you know what you want out of the relationship. I like dating and courtship, I like a man that can communicate, I like a man that is good in bed (yes that is important), I like a man that brings out the best in me and see the good in me even on my bad days, I like a man that is respectful, I like a man that isn't afraid to tell me how he feels, I like a man that can compliment me, I like a man that is a good person. Some may say my expectations are pretty high or pretty low, but for me it works and it's important for you to find what works for you. If you like going to the movies and the man doesn't take you to the movies, then maybe he's not the one for you. Know what you want and don't compromise that. (Yes compromise is the buzz word here, compromising should be done in moderation!)

Not everyone is meant to be in your relationship. I try not to get into the nitty gritty of my relationships with my friends. Not that I don't trust them, I just think it's really none of their business what happens between my man and I. I have had my fair share of "great love affairs" that my friends don't know about and will probably never know about, not because I feel the need to hide something but because there is no reason discussing something that really is not a discussion. As women, I think its natural that we ask questions and want to offer up advice, but really how solid is that advice coming from someone who doesn't know the interaction between you and your partner? (unless the man is physically, mentally, or verbally abusive..that is a whole different story) Yeah I may mention something that has been done that upsets me in that moment, but every relationship has road bumps and sometimes you just want to let it out. As a friend, I try not to offer my advice. I may see something and wish that my friend is not with so and so but at the end of the day they have to come to that conclusion on their own. I ask questions to invoke thought, and if that person thinks about it and continues down whatever path that is their choice and not my own.

I can go on and on about relationships with men, but I think the biggest thing is knowing what you want, what you're willing to compromise, and not being afraid to stick to it.

It saddens me when women are afraid to be alone and therefore will take anything just to have something. This is where your perspective will have to change. Unless you have no female friends, do not be afraid to find fulfillment in other relationships around you. Friends! How we forget them when we're in love, but how they always know what to do to give you the support you need. Which leads me to the next topic...relationships with friends.

I love my friends. Luckily enough I have created a wide circle of girlfriends on all sides of the spectrum and I think there are several things that have led to the success of these friendships. Mutual support, mutual admiration, and similar thoughts towards friendships. So how to you get more of these types of relationships and let go of the others?

The same as a man presents himself to you, women do to. If a woman tells you she doesn't have female friends for xy and z reasons, well something tells me that you're not going to be her friend either, at least not for very long. We (speaking for women) always want to fix someone. If he's not a good man we will fix that, if she's not a good friend we will fix that. That mentality, as endearing as it is, never works. It never has. If a person presents themselves in a way you do not agree with, then make the right choice to exit stage left.

Friendships have ups and down. Sometimes I will talk to a friend everyday then suddenly life happens and I won't connect with that friend for months. A true friend knows and understands this and never holds it against you. Sometimes you won't agree with a friend on something. Does this disagreement prevent you from enjoying the other aspects of the relationship? Sometimes its so big that it does but often times it's not and something that can be moved past over time.

Know what you want out of a friendship and give the same in return. One sided friendships are no fun and some of you may be guilty for being a one sided friend. Take some time and think about all your friendship and ask yourself, "am I being a good friend? Do I call and see how so and so is doing? Do I always wait for so and so to ask me to hangout? etc.." Friendship is a two way street and requires effort to make it work.

Accept that a friendship was only meant to last a season and let it go. Not everyone is meant to be in our lives forever. Life will take you through many different twists and turns and friends will get on and get off during those various times. Don't force a friendship to happen. If it's meant to be it will be, if not, look at it like a great love affair. Something that served a purpose and that purpose was fulfilled.

Look for people that celebrate you. As women we are very quick to tear one another down. be downright evil for whatever stupid reason. Friends don't do that and you want to find people that see the best in you. If a friend is constantly tearing you down, saying things that are negative about you and what you're doing (unless your a street whore selling crack), then it's time to let them go. A real friend wants to see you succeed in life.

Again, I can continue writing but I won't. I guess what I find important is keeping the people who are right for you in your life and getting rid of the others. Know your worth in all your relationships and never compromise that. In the end you will be happier and so will the others around you.

On this day of love, I wish all of you lots of love and fulfillment. Thanks to those who contributed to this long winded blog and thanks to those who took the time to read my words.

Happy Valentine's Day!

XOXO

 

Taking Inventory...

Lately I have been doing a lot of reflecting. My thoughts have been scattered trying to juggle them all, trying to compartmentalize things so they make sense. My mind was being pulled in several different ways and finding out how to center everything, balance everything, sort through everything, just became downright exhausting. Physically i've been doing well. No illness this year (knock on wood), eating better, exercising (lost 11lbs in the last 3 wks!), sleeping adequately, but despite being in what physically feels like a great position, i've been mentally exhausted. Trying to juggle job searches, relationships and remaining focused on personal goals has just been to much resulting in some unpleasant situations for myself and some others around me. Today I decided that i'm going to declutter my thoughts, i'm going to put to rest the things that burden me and begin taking the steps to move forward, happy, physically and mentally stronger. Situations change, people change, and being in one transition after another can be and has been exhausting. A good friend told me that I handle transitions with grace and poise, although I am flattered by this compliment, outwardly that is the truth, inwardly has not been the case. I hate transitions and ironically my life has been one transition after another for the past 5 years. So today I took inventory. I wrote down the things that I like, the things that I dislike and the things I want. Here is the inventory....

Things I like: *my curly hair*my brown eyes* my breast* my loyalty* my determination* my optimism* my organizational skills* my slightly OCD behaviors* my loving nature* my ability to forgive* my ability to accept*my willingness to help others* my patience* my hands* my ability to empathize* my ability to not sweat the small stuff* my ability to avoid conflict* my unique knees* my committment to those I love* my ability to focus my thoughts-to think deeply* my past experiences* the scar on the middle of my shin that looks like a bullet wound* my uniquely placed beauty marks*my ability to keep it moving* my crooked smile* my passion*

Things I dislike: *my nose* my butt(or lack there of)* my inability to create boundaries*my slightly OCD behaviors* my escape mentality* my stoic persona* my feet* my lack of trust* my space cadet/distant ways* my inability to connect with people on a basic level* my inability to make small decisions* my high and low moods* my crooked smile* my fear of committment*my inability to see people the way they present themselves*keeping people in my life past their expiration date*

Things I want: *stability* joy(endless)* balance* peace* freedom* a phat azz :)* consistency* spontaneity (spelling lessons perhaps?)* more fulfilling relationships* to write more* a stronger committment to spiritual growth* ability to stay committed (or make long term committments)* make a solid group of core friends*quality time with friends/family* hobbies* to make me a priority* longer hair* more meaningful conversations* to travel (a lot)* not to push people away* time to explore* love (lots)*

So what's the purpose of taking an inventory? Well, it's good to see everything down in front of you opposed to keeping it inside your head. There are somethings that I dislike that I accept, there are some things that I want that will be an ongoing process, there's things that I like that will change, stay the same, or increase. I'm learning to accept things as they are for now, roll with the punches, and be optimistic about all that future will hold for me. It's been a funky few months but now that i'm decluttering and taking the necessary steps to make myself a priority things are looking up. I highly recommend doing an inventory, it puts a lot of things in a good perspective. I'm grateful for everything and everyone that life has presented me and I know there is more good in store.

until next time...

"Never put permanent thinking on temporary situations" (me)







Happy 100 Blog Anniversary!

So I just realized that my last blog was my 100th blog written since 2010. I'm super proud of myself for sticking with this writing space and I am super happy that you have supported me through it all. If I had some wine I would make a toast, but I don't, so I will settle for being happy :)

Out with the old, in with the new

Well the world didn't end on Friday as they said it would, which means that we have either been had or we don't completely understand the Mayan calendar. Since the world didn't come to an end and I am still alive and breathing, I guess it's time I updated this blog. I love this time of year, not necessarily because of Christmas or thoughts of snow or presents, but because the new year is approaching and this is one of my bigger reflection periods. I have been reflecting A LOT on 2012 and what the year held for me, what lessons it presented to me, and what I plan on doing in the new year. Before I go into the lessons learned, I wanted to highlight the positive things that occurred in 2012. Here it goes...

-I traveled over 15000 miles (NYC x4, Chicago x2, Chincoteague Island, Atlantic City x2, Puerto Rico, Nigeria, Virginia x3 (outside the DMV area), Jacksonville, FL and some smaller day trips in between)
-GRADUATED! Finished the requirements and received my masters degree
-Welcomed a new niece :)
-Made new friends
-Experienced a hot, sweaty summer in DC
-Quit my job without a backup plan

Ok, the last one may not have been a highlight but it definitely was a great lesson in self-worth and personal happiness. This year has been filled with ups and down, frustration, anger, sadness, happiness, and joy. This year has been by far the most challenging one for me as an adult and although at times I was ready to throw in the towel, throw my hands up, and walk away (maybe to an island maybe back to Africa), I stuck with it as I did through other challenging times and the lessons that came from this year are invaluable. So on to the lessons...

1. Don't expect people to understand your happiness-Some times people are unhappy or don't share in the happiness you have, that doesn't mean you have to stop being happy or limit your happiness. The world is getting crazier and crazier and if you're able to find happiness and hold on to it, more power to you. I've said it before, but never let someone compromise your happiness, even if that means having to walk away or create space away from those negative nellies.

2. Learn to be still-this was by far the most challenging thing that I learned this year. I can't be still, I don't know what that means, I can't remember the last time I had non-stop stillness and this year due to some fortunate circumstances, I was able to take some time to be still. To think, to plan, to figure out where I am headed next and what I want. It wasn't easy, but I am more and more comfortable being still.

3. Have no regrets or thoughts of second chances- Life is meant to be lived and there is a chance that you won't get another opportunity to take advantage of. If there is something you want to do, do it. If there's someone you love, love them. Act as if there will never be another opportunity after the first and love and live life as much as you can.

4. Don't be afraid to take a step back and focus on yourself- I have always been a "people pleaser" and have always been the shoulder to lean on and a listening ear, but I realize that by doing so i'm exhausting myself mentally which has taken a toll on the physical. It's hard not always being there for others, but I can no longer invest and be there for others when it results in something negative for my well-being.

5. Letting go- I'm still putting this into practice, but this year it has gotten better. Sometimes you just have to let it go. Whether it's a job, a person, experience, or thing. If all signs are pointing to the fact that it's not yours and never will be, then let it go. When you let things go, you open up the space for the things you're supposed to have to come.

6. An unpleasant situation is only unpleasant because of your attitude- Look at the perspective you take on things. I try to remain positive in my thoughts, even during the most trying times, and I find that when I do those trying times are little less miserable and a little more enjoyable.

7. Be Present- With all the technology and social media, being present is becoming increasingly difficult. I reached my breaking point. I am tired of being in a space, having an experience and instead of being present in that moment, i'm updating something about that moment. What sense does it make to constantly update fb about what i'm doing and with who instead of actually being there in that moment enjoying those I am with.

8. Pay attention to the actions, not just the words- People will tell you what you want to hear and we live in a space where manipulation is the norm. People will talk, but actions talk louder and if your actions don't follow your words, then those words are worth as much as an expired gift card...nothing.

Each year when I reflect on what lessons have been presented, I create goals that will coincide with them and will allow for me to put my lessons into action. I am excited for all that 2013 has to hold, I know that it will be a great year because I will make it one. So for all those that are reading this, I wish you well and with much happiness in the new year.

Out with 2012, in with 2013...

Watch out, i'm coming back with a vengeance.

Second chances

So I thought I was going to write a blog entitled "the next phase" seeing as I just closed a chapter and getting ready to open a new one (or not getting ready, actually opened a new one...i'm on like the 3rd page and it's already a thriller...at least in my mind). Anyway, as I thought about the beginning of this new chapter, this new phase, I realized that with this new chapter I get a second chance. I failed. Yes, I admit it, I failed at implementing the lessons I learned from my previous chapters and now that I am starting a new one, I get a second chance. A second chance to return to those lessons and implement them, use them how they're supposed to be used, to re-learn, and recognize just what I need to do to get me back to where I need to be.

 Whenever I feel something weighing on me, I return to my blog. I return to what I HAVE WRITTEN and go through each blog and let my words speak, to me, for me. My words do a great job of allowing me to see what I need to see in order to understand a situation. Before I can go any further about what I am going to do this time around I need to let you know the truth of just what I have been dealing with.

These past few months have been quite a doozy. I went to somewhat stable employment to no employment. If you know me, you know that I have always worked, sometimes 2-3 jobs at a time. I may have been living paycheck to paycheck, but I had a paycheck. I had a secure paycheck that I could count on to pay the bills and allow me to enjoy a nice meal or new outfit. I guess having no job is my fault seeing as I quit a job without having another lined up, but I wanted to stay true to myself, and this job would just remind me that someone sees me as unworthy. In addition to not having a job, I had to make the difficult decision of moving back home. Out of the 4 kids in my family, I was the first to leave and in almost 10 years never came back. Not that I don't love my mom, but I love my independence, I love being in my OWN space without having to worry about someone else entering my space without invitation. So now I don't have a job and i'm moving back home, I felt like a loser. Like who has 2 degrees, extensive work experience, and the want to do work for others that many choose not to but no job and living at home? The constant questions about what next? what big thing does Courtney have planned, because she always has something planned, something big going on, and when I shrugged my shoulders and realized that I don't have any big plans, I became depressed. Like how do I not have a plan, how do I not know what's going on? So after giving myself a pep talk about not having a job and moving back home and how it's really not that bad because if I follow my own advice "never put permanent thinking on a temporary situation" then this situation is just temporary, it really is. After telling myself that I began believing it to be the truth, because it is. So now i'm over that hurdle i'm on to the next...relationships.

This year has been an emotional rollercoaster of dealing with relationships. I guess they say it's true that God only gives you what you can handle and I believe that to be true. I would never turn my ear from someone who needed it, but I also didn't do the best job of finding that balance. How do I focus on me while still making the space for others that really matter? I failed at that. When I was working and dealing with the stress of working with populations experiencing trauma, friends and relationships, it just became too much. I had no outlet because I created no outlet. It's hard being the person that everyone comes to but I don't always feel like I have that person I can turn to. I never want to be a burden and I feel guilty bitching about things that aren't really that important because let's face it, there's many larger problems in this world. I have become extremely self-reliant and that is years of feeling like I only have myself to really rely on which became even more intense when I was in Malawi and truly on my own.  I would never want those I love to feel that I can't be there for them, but I have realized that in order to be there for them, I have to be there for myself. This whole not-having-a-job-moving-back-home-blues pushed me to a space with those that I love that I either exaggerated one emotion or shut down. Seeing as I looked back through my blogs, I did the same thing when I came back from Malawi, moved to DC, and became aware that the world is not like the world I had in Malawi. I have extreme highs but those extreme highs can become extreme lows and when those extreme lows occur, I'm learning just how to deal with them and how to create that balance and recognizing the signs that an extreme low is coming so I can deal with them accordingly and without having to take it out on those I care about. So for those that I may have distanced myself from, pushed away, or sucked you into my extreme low, I apologize. I can't say that tomorrow I will be back to normal and I ask for patience while i get there, but do know that I love you, am always here for you, and what I just wrote has no bearing on the role I play in your life. It just means that I have to do a better job of creating those outlets and may need a little more time to focus on me.

Why am I putting this out there? Well, with this second chance, i'm learning how to let go, how to release, and how to let people in. It will be an adjustment at first, but I know that nothing but good will come from it and it will allow me an outlet that wasn't there before.

Now back to this second chances business. I will begin a new position soon, have a goal of getting a car before the end of the year, and moving into my own space around February. For those that really know me, you're probably thinking she hasn't learned because she's still planning shit out, but that's my compromise. I will have a general plan and allow everything else to happen as it will. The one thing that I loved about being in Malawi, was being able to choose how and what I will do with each day. Although I still had to work, I took the time to invest in the relationships that mattered, I had the chance to deal away with the ones that didn't, but above all, I allowed myself to be open to what each day brought. Coming back to the states, I lost sight of that, and now that I am aware and have my second chance, I am going to do that. Letting go of control is hard, but as I have said before, everything has always worked out, there's no reason it won't now. So as I return to the outlets that have always worked for me (writing, reading, walking, exploring), I am refreshed and revived and ready for this new chapter.

Cheers to second chances and cheers to a new chapter.