Dream Deferred

Since I was 4 years old, I always talked about being a doctor. At first I thought I would be a pediatrician, then a neonatologist and then realized that I really don't want to do either because I realized that although doctors are valuable, I prefer to interact with people in a different manner. I pretty much abandoned that idea and set out on a different path...education. I never really thought about the fact that I could still be a doctor, just not a medical one, but that was until I found a PhD program that instantly grabbed and held my attention and interest. As I learned more about the program and met with those I needed to meet with to gather more information and to learn about what I need to do to best put me in a position for admission, I knew it was the program for me. I was told that I would need to re-take the GRE to become a stronger applicant, not for admission but for funding. So with 3.5 weeks until the last possible day to take the GRE to ensure score reports are mailed out by the application deadline, I registered and buckled down to prepare myself for the GRE. I studied and studied, from the bus to the park bench I had my GRE study tools in hand. Although the time I had would never be enough to prepare me or for me to feel comfortable, I felt good about where I was at in the time that I had prepared. I walked in the testing room on testing day, a bit nervous but relaxed because at this point I know what I know and could only do the best that I could do with the time I had to prepare. I took the test, walked away not thrilled but not disappointed and began to think about the rest of the application. As I was doing some other work, I received an email from the director of the program informing me that the program I am interested in will not be accepting students this upcoming school year and that I would need to wait to apply next year. Disheartened and saddened, I couldn't shake the frustration that I had that I would have to wait a year to apply to this program after all the studying and stressing I have done to prepare myself to apply this year. It wasn't until I gave myself a reality check and put things in perspective, that I began to see this not as some unfair situation but a blessing in disguise. I was poo pooing about not being able to obtain a 3rd degree when there are people all over the world who do not even have access or resources to obtain a secondary education. Even though that dream has been deferred for this point in time, there are still several other things that I now have the time and mind space to focus on and direct my energy towards.
You may remember me mentioning that I missed volunteering and needing to find an outlet for the additional time I have on my hands. Surprisingly it has been difficult to find outlets for volunteering in DC and I was beginning to get frustrated. Luckily enough I have found two organizations that are not only aligned with my personal approach to development, but ran by some of the most amazing people I have met. The Margaret Mead quote, " Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed it's the only thing that ever has" rings true when I look at the people who run these two orgs. and i'm very much excited that I have the opportunity to work with them on fulfilling their mission. Both orgs are different from eachother but provide me with the best outlet for meeting my different interests. Below you will find some information about the organizations and stay tuned for ways you can get involved and help me support these organizations and the people they serve.
As always, thanks for reading and hope to hear from you soon!
xoxo
Courtney


Access to Success
A fusion of sports, education and faith, Access to Success works with children in Benin City, Nigeria to develop skills to reach their highest potential. A2S is solely ran on the efforts of volunteers and has done some amazing things with the small amount of resources they have. Morgan, a classmate and friend, co-founded the organization and has shared with me (and other interested) what they have been doing and what they are trying to do. It is simply amazing to what can be done when folks not only have a dream shared by others but the will to make that dream reality. Read more at http://www.a2sfoundation.org/

Reason, Season, Lifetime

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
— Unknown

I have been reflecting quite a bit about relationships I have and had throughout my life. Sometimes it makes me smile to be able to replay a memory in my mind involving a friend, sometimes its makes me sad to think about a friendship that once was and is no more, and sometimes it makes me angry that people entered my world, shook it up and left before I can even decide whether I wanted them to be a part of it or not. Regardless of the status of certain relationships, I know for certain that I am 110% grateful for the friends I have.

The past couple of nights as I traveled home from work or school, I have been thinking a lot about the people whom I cherish. These people I know love me unconditionally and vice versa. My best female friends who know the intricacies of my life, who feel comfortable telling me the truth even if they think the truth may hurt a bit. My female best friends are like no other and being in DC without them, without those bonds have been the most difficult thing about this move. I love them all for who they are, I love them for what they bring and share with this world, and I love them for loving me just the way I am. 

I grew up with brothers so it only makes sense that I have a certain ability to relate/get along with men.  I think of the great male friends I have that provide me with an honest male perspective to help me understand things better. They encourage and support me, they make me feel beautiful on days I have a hard time believing it, they see me for me and respect the woman that I am. I am one of the most blessed/luckiest women in the world to have the great male friends that I do.

Its not often that I get to see these folks seeing as most of them live in others states or countries. But for some reason, they always show up at the time that I need them and saying just what I need to hear. There is a lot of uncertainty when it comes to friendships, but it makes me happy to know that I have a solid group of lifetimers surrounding me.

To all of my friends reading this, I appreciate you for the role you play in my life, whether its only a reason, for a season or around for a lifetime. You mean more to me then I can ever articulate and I will be forever grateful for the love you have given to me.

I truly love my life and the people in it.

The Disintegration of a Generation

What I may have to say in this post may be offensive to some, but if you're easily offended, take everything written as a personal attack, don't have an openmind, and not in the mood to reflect and see if there is any truth behind it, then you should not read this.

Now that that's out of the way. All I can say is what the hell is going on with the people in my generation? I've had several conversations with people lately discussing the disintegration of our society. I look at what we place value on and it saddens me. We overindulge and lose sight of our personal values (that's assuming that we had them to begin with) to create a facade that will allow some sort of validation by our peers. People are going into debt trying to keep up with a lifestyle that we shouldn't expect to be living at this point in our lives or career. Consistently chasing paper to get the shoes, the nails, the hair, the clothes, the car, the whatever to impress others...but when you strip a person of all those things, what do you have left standing there? If we spent more time building our character and community instead of our image, I'm sure we wouldn't passively accept the injustices that occur right in front of our eyes.

I've heard so many of my friends tell me they want to get themselves back to a place of happiness. It was there but amidst all of the hustle and bustle and paper chasing, they lost it. I lost it to. For a long time I wasn't happy with the position that I was in, constantly thinking of what I need to do next to fulfill expectations set by those outside of myself. If I didn't change how I thought, I would still be trying to figure out how to get my happy back. It's not going to fall in your lap one day, you have to be proactive and go after it. I spent 4 years at an institution that cost a pretty penny. When I graduated I accepted a position at a shelter that paid HALF of one years tuition. Given the institution I attended, it is expected that I would be making twice what I made as a minimum. I don't regret it. I loved my job, I enjoyed and looked forward to going to work everyday. I made the money I made work for me. If it wasn't necessary I didn't get it. Simple. I work at a shelter now, I love my job, I have the education, experiences, and skills to make 3 times the amount i'm making but waking up and going to a job I love and not loathe is a must in my book.I'm not saying everyone needs to be frugal, but living inside one's means and knowing the motivation behind certain expenses made need to be evaluated. In addition to doing work that you're passionate about, find time to do other things you are passionate about as well, no one else will make the time for it to happen. I believe in not making excuses, either make it happen or accept that it's not.

Let's talk about instant gratification. Our parents fucked us over on this one. Yeah, it's great to get things that they didn't have or didn't have to work hard for, but there is a purpose and great lesson learned behind the struggles they endured. We want things to come easily. That dream job needs to fall on our laps, the dream house and car magically appear and our lives are all peachy keen. If something doesn't come easily we don't want it and this is most evident in our relationships. Relationships require work, lots of it at times. The minute something gets difficult or becomes "too much" the towel is being thrown in and folks are moving on to the next. I'm not sure what happened in investing in an individual and building something great but I fail to see it.

Washington, DC is a great place to acquire a complex. The first question you're asked is "what do you do?" The way you answer can determine the whole direction of the conversation and can either maintain or end it. But really, if someone is trying to size you up and determine whether or not you can be used as a pawn in their own advancement, is that someone you really want to continue speaking with?

I don't have high hopes for my generation and their contributions (other than facebook) to bettering our society

Anyway, I can continue with my rant but i'm going to step off my soapbox now.

P.S I own a BMW....(Bus, Metro, Walking pass!)

Lessons learned continued.

A friend asked me what lessons did I learn while in S.Sudan. At the time I pieced together an answer of what I believed was the greatest lessons learned. As I thought about it more and more, I was taken back through all the previous lessons learned. So now that I'm reflecting on them, I decided to revisit and add the new lessons that I have learned.

(From my Malawi blog..)

1. Patience...really is a virtue.I don't know how many times my patience has been practiced, how many times I had to remind myself that if I just wait a little bit longer it will all work out. It seems like this is a re-occurring theme in my Peace Corps experience, starting from the 2 years it took me to get to Malawi. I have to have patience with my neighbor kids who show up at my door at 6am asking for candy knowing if they came back at noon I would be more than happy to share. I have to have patience when it comes to travelling back to site, it takes 9-12 hours to get there on less than desirable transport sometimes. I have to practice patience when it comes to my future. Grant it, tomorrow is not guaranteed, everything happens for a reason and happens when its suppose to happen. Forcing something to be will just make it be the way you don't want it. I'm definitely the type of person that curiosity gets the best of and that curiosity can lead to moments where my patience is lacking, but I know that when I'm patient I always get what I want. (See consider the source when dealing with people and patience)

I feel that a lot of life is waiting. You wait for the bus, friends, an opportunity or your life partner. Just because you're waiting for something to happen doesn't mean you have to stop living. Make the most of the "down time" and know that when something is supposed to happen it will. 

2. Smile...it will come back to you...There have been moments of sadness, irritation, anger, confusion but when those moments happen I always try to find something to smile about and when I do it seems that smile makes it way back to me in some form of kindness that has changed whatever negative to a positive.

3. Always consider the source and never forget that we are all DIFFERENT...Sometimes people say things or do things that may make a person reconsider how they feel about themselves. When this happens it tends to be from a person who is not in their right mind or doesn't know you. I have gotten better by not letting the comments of people who don't really know me change how I see myself. People come from all over, and the more I move through this life and move all over, I'm reminded that people come from all different walks of life, have different experiences and just how my experiences have shaped my perspective of the world and the people in it, theirs have as well. My eyes are attached to nerves that are attached to my brain, therefore I understand the world how I see it. No one else can share in my perspective of the world, so I can either waste time wondering why or except that we are all different and keep it moving.

4. A friend maybe waiting behind the face of a stranger...I have been blessed throughout my time to find a good group of friends that provide me with the love and support needed to do what I do. These same friends come from all different places and have lifestyles totally different from my own. Some of these friends have been in my life since I was a small child, some have been picked up along the way. If I didn't allow myself to be open enough to let new people in then I would have missed out on some pretty awesome people and some awesome friendships. I've had a plethora of jobs that have taken me through different groups of people, these different groups of people have allowed me to relate to most people I come across because I probably have a friend just like them :) Don't get stuck thinking you have to only be friends with people like you or in your age group. I have 5 year old friends and 50 year old friends who all help me understand this world, bring me laughter and happiness, support and love. Doesn't get any better than that.

5. Know when to say hello and when to say goodbye...I believe that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Many have heard my reasoning behind this but its true. As we are constantly changing, we should not expect that our friends won't change as well. As we take on a new interests we are going to find people that share in those interests. Just because what we use to have is no longer, it does not mean we are not friends. In my book once a friend always a friend, we just may be friends in different places and that's ok.

6. No sense in crying over something that can't be changed...Some decisions and things are set in stone, if you have no power to change it, leave it alone.

7. Always go with your gut feeling...If something don't feel right, don't do it. You have instinct for a reason.

8. Don't be afraid to go after what you want...and wait patiently for it to come.If I want something I'm going to go after it until I get it or until all possible ways for getting it are exhausted. Call me spoiled or stubborn or whatever else, but if its something that I know will bring me happiness then I don't mind working hard for it and or waiting some to get it.

9. Don't take the backseat in your life...Do what you want to make your life yours.I've adopted the attitude that you can either come along for the ride of get out. If you decide to stay then put a seat belt on and hold on!

10. Treat others as you want to be treated...Just about every job I had in h.s and college was behind a counter. I have served buffalo wings, smoothies, towels, bagels and sandwiches, these jobs have all taught me to be humble and to see all as my equal regardless of what side of the counter I was on. It use to piss me off when I was at Vanderbilt and working at Panera and customers would come in assuming that because I was on the other side of the counter I had to be somewhat less intelligent then them. It made me realize that you never know exactly who is on the other side of the counter(figuratively and literally) and shouldn't make assumptions about anyone or their abilities. Let them prove otherwise, but until they do treat them as you want them to treat you. I may be in a developing country but my Malawian counterparts are just as capable as I am, maybe even more so given this is their home turf. I refuse to speak "special English" or dumb down my language. It may require more of an explanation for some to understand, but I am a teacher aren't I? Who am I to deny any person the ability to learn something new, if that be the case then I should have been denied as well. We all have our own capabilities, they may be different but they are still equal.

(Post-Malawi)
11.Think highly of yourself and do not let people tell you any different. I take pride in the person that I am and believe that I am a pretty good person. Sometimes people can't accept it and that's their problem to deal with.

12. Don't force a square peg into a circle. If something is not working, don't dwell on it. Life is too short to get caught up in something that may never fit together perfectly (or as perfect as you want it)

13. Don't be afraid to be passionate about something or someone. I don't believe in half-assing anything that I do. When it comes to love I give my all, if it is not accepted or the person who it is directed towards is not in a place to receive or does not want to accept it, that's ok. I'm going to do what comes naturally to me.

14. Don't be afraid to be honest with people about how you feel and don't be afraid of the feelings you have. We tend to lie to ourselves and by lying to ourselves we end up lying to others. Be honest with yourself first and foremost and don't worry if someone doesn't agree with the decisions that come from that honesty.

15. Don't be ashamed that your own happiness is your priority.

16. Question everything and don't accept that all information that is given to be the end all be all. ..or the truth

17. Know when to let go and when to fight for what is yours.

18. Find peace within before seeking it elsewhere.

19. Be grateful for all that you have, regardless of how much. After my time in S.Sudan, this is probably the greatest lesson that I have learned. I spent my first 8 weeks eating nothing but beans and rice and rice and beans. I was confined for the most part to a compound and was only allowed freedom with restrictions. I walked into the Safeway and found myself appreciating the fact that there are now several types of fruits and vegetables at my finger tips. So many options, so many choices, and because of those options and choices I will never be able to take for granted what I have and will always appreciate it.

20. Make the most of everyday...don't just say you're living life to the fullest, do it! There is no way of knowing just "living life to the fullest" quite is. How do you measure that you are living it to the fullest? You have to figure it out for yourself, but for me, I want to be able to look at each day not regretting not having done something. I want to look back on each day knowing that I have done all I could to put into practice the above lessons learned, I want to look back knowing that I created the life and world that I want to live in. My motto really has become the cliche "Carpe Diem" and it's comforting knowing that I have reached the point where i'm doing just that.

All good things come to an end

They say that you shouldn't be sad that it's over, but glad that it happened. I believe this to be true to some extent but I still feel sad that something good is coming to an end. In just a few days I will be boarding a plane and heading back to my life in America. I can't believe how quickly time has passed by and I can't believe that this experience will be coming full circle and to an end. Although I will be taking the same route back (Nairobi-London-DC), I will be taking it with a different perspective. I am confident that I will carry all the memories, both good and bad, with me as I continue on to the next journey. I am confident that I will apply the lessons that I have learned during this experience to create a more fulfilled, happy, and understanding life when I return. I am reassured and confident in the skills that I have gained or sharpen, and i'm reassured and confident that the path that i'm heading down is the right one, even if at times it may not appear so.

I spent the past two weeks being a sloth and enjoying the coast of Kenya. Although the original plan was to travel to Malawi, finances wouldn't allow it. I am sad that I didn't make it back this time, I know that I will make it back one day. These past two weeks have been amazingly beautiful. I have found peace and obtained a calmness that I don't think that I would have been able to if I had did all the traveling I had originally planned. For the first time, I feel completely content and ready to leave a place, even if I know I that I am leaving a part of me behind. I'm not good with transitions so these past two weeks have given me time to breathe and relax and mentally prepare all that is waiting for me back in the states. I'm not good with goodbyes and know that it will be difficult to leave the friends that I have made while in Kenya, but I feel good knowing that I can come back and will have a place where I can find people and feel at home.

I will never forget this experience, will be forever grateful for it, and looking forward to going back to where I belong for now.

Until next time...

Kwaheri Africa!

This is it

Today is my last full day in South Sudan. Tomorrow afternoon I will be leaving this country. It's a bittersweet feeling. I'm ready to go but wouldn't mind staying. I will miss my life here, although I was only here for a short period of time. Wow, I can't believe that its coming to an end. I have an amazing calm over me, I have made peace with the decision to leave and I have made peace with the idea that this experience, this chapter is done. I'm looking forward to the next 2.5 weeks of relaxing and getting myself back into a place mentally to focus on being back in the states.

I will miss South Sudan, but more especially the people who I met here.

So this is it. I'm out.

The art of Goodbye

Tonight is my last night in Kuajok. I should be sleeping seeing as it is 1am, but thinking that this will be my last night here is keeping me up. I'm not good with the whole goodbye thing, I always say it's see you later, but that later, who knows when it will come. I'm not good with transitions, i'm not good with the whole packing up and leaving thing either. But for some reason, that seems to be the most constant thing in my life. I shouldn't complain seeing as I have been afforded the opportunity to meet some of the most amazing people along my journey. These people, at whatever point they have entered my life, have shown me something about the world and taught me something about myself. Today will be the first of many goodbyes as I prepare to depart South Sudan and although it's not easy, I will say goodbye knowing that the memories that were created during my time here will continue with me on the next journey and all the journeys to follow.

I don't know if this is the beginning of me settling down. I'm not sure I know how but I do know that i'm ready to move on to the thing that life has in store for me, whatever that and wherever that may be.