Proud Aunt

(This picture was taken a couple months after my niece Briauna was born...Aug. 2007)

Today I spoke to my beautiful nieces. Dezi is now 7 and Briauna is now 4. Its amazing how quickly time has passed by and how quickly they are growing up. I wish I could shrink them back to when they were little and relive those moments. I have spent quite a good chunk of their lives out of the state or country and everytime I see them or get to talk to them, it makes my heart melt that I can't be there to witness their growth. I have been blessed to have the greatest, funniest, kindest, sweetest, caring, intelligent, precious, beautiful nieces in the world.

Missing Home

Today is the first day I really missed home. I don't know if it's because of everything going on there or the feeling that I'm not doing much here (or maybe I am) but for some reason today my thoughts have been at home.

Welcome to the newly independent South Sudan!

Its official…I’m writing from the newly independent Republic of South Sudan! Being able to witness the liberation of a nation was amazing and one of the best experiences of my life. I arrived in Juba (the capital) a little over a week prior to independence, mostly to meet with some folks in our office and with our partner, partly for security, and a bit for my sanity (8 weeks in the field with no vegetables or fruit can take its toll eventually). Seeing the preparations firsthand, feeling the excitement and the anxiety of how things will turn out was exciting and rejuvenating. There was an increase in security in the capital to ensure nothing happened and that those that are traveling in (diplomats etc.) were secured. Our office put a ban on our movement and curfews were enforced but that was fine seeing as the whole city had a ban on movement for certain road and was enforcing a curfew. Throughout the day people were parading up and down the streets and it wasn’t any different that evening. It reminded me of the Chicago Bulls repeat of the 3-peat. The night before independence, I made my colleagues stay up until midnight in order to celebrate. It was like new years, we toasted to the newly independent republic and enjoyed with the others around.  The next day, some other coworkers and I went to the mausoleum where the independence ceremony was to take place (the raising of the flag and signing of constitution and some speeches). The place was filled with people, from everywhere. People were excited and happy to be able to witness this day and I was happy to be able to join. The ceremony was to begin at 10:20am but didn’t begin until almost 1:30pm (they said they were waiting on a few others to arrive). The energy among the crowd, despite the heat and the lack of water, was good. When the ceremony began and the flag was finally raised, the crowd broke out into a large cheer and continued to cheer for the following 20 or so minutes. We left before the end of the ceremony given the amount of time we have already been there and how hot, thirsty and tired we were. It was amazing to say the least and the way I have described this even doesn’t (I don’t think I can) accurately describe just how amazing it was to be here and to witness this. The environment the remainder of the weekend was quite quiet. I think between staying up all Friday night, celebrating all day and night Saturday people were exhausted. By the time Sunday came all was quiet and only a few people were out on the streets. Although independence is not going to rid this country of it’s problems, it is a good step in the right direction for the people here. There are huge hurdles ahead, especially since the border region is still undecided, but it appears that there will be a lot of support coming from all over the East Africa region and world to ensure that this new nation develops to its highest potential. Like the people of South Sudan, I am hopeful that despite the monumental task ahead, this country and the people here will be able to create an environment and country that is conducive to and supportive of the development of all.

Yesterday I flew to Tambura, Western Equatoria ( located in the southwestern portion of the country near Central African Republic) to conduct some trainings and to do an assessment of the education system here. The flight over was a challenge in itself seeing as I could reach out and touch the pilot. The plane was an 8-seater plus two seats for the pilots. I have never prayed so hard in my life. When we landed I wanted to jump off and kiss the ground. From where we landed in Yambio, it’s a 3 hour beautiful drive to Tambura. It is a whole different world from Kuajok for sure. Its green and cooler, there are more varieties of fruits around and you can see more densely populated areas as opposed to the scarcely populated areas of Kuajok. The living quarters are a bit different. There are rooms with cement walls and an bathroom except the bathroom is not hooked up to water. So I can bucket bath in the shower but still have to use a pit latrine. Since there’s no running water I go to a borehole to get my water. The borehole is about 30 yds from my room and a lot easier to pump. My colleagues were shocked to see that I was able to use the borehole and carry water on my head (a skill I mastered in Malawi). This area has been heavily affected by the conflict in DRC, the LRA (Lords Resistant Army) which is responsible for the unrest in the DRC, sporadically moves into this region, mostly to loot the areas in order to get supplies etc. The government of Sudan (this is prior independence) created a militia(well not a militia per se) called Arrow Boys. Basically, they armed young men in villages along the border to prevent the LRA from attacking and to provide security to their areas. This has helped in the reduction of LRA attacks but now you have folks armed up and down the border. There is not much of a presence of the conflict between the north and south (Sudan) here. In terms of development, this area reminds me of traveling up the lakeshore road in Malawi (except the road here is not paved and there is no lake). There are pockets of development and then areas untouched by outsiders. Areas along the southern region tend to be more developed than the northern area of the South Sudan because during the conflict it was difficult to get further north in the country so a lot of the government and NGO measures were focused along the southern border (so along the border region that is shared between South Sudan, CAR, DRC, Uganda and Kenya). When the government of Sudan (prior to independence) kicked out all aid organizations, most organizations would set up shop in one of the bordering countries and operate from there (driving in to South Sudan to implement). I was told by a colleague that it is secure and nice here and that they don’t worry about security issues as much.

Last Day.

This will be my last blog from Southern Sudan. Tomorrow this region of Sudan will officially become its own country and be known as the Republic of South Sudan. It is quite an exciting time to witness the liberation of a nation after decades and decades of civil war. The environment is calm and people are joyous as they prepare to celebrate their first independence day. Being able to witness this, to experience this, probably doesn't have the impact on me that it would on a south Sudanese individual, but I am excited and happy to be able to share in this experience with them. I'm currently in the capital and having the opportunity to witness the preparations and celebrations from the the world's newest capital city has been an experience I can not really wrap my mind around. It's simply beautiful.

As I have been staying in a hotel here, I have watched as the media crews flood in to capture the story of the people of Southern Sudan. It's been interesting seeing them work feverishly to capture the mood, the essence of this time. I have also been able to witness as those that have left southern Sudan during the civil war come back, to celebrate in solidarity with their people. As I see all the what would be deemed as foreigners to those that have stayed, I find myself categorizing the the people. Those that fought, those that walked and those that stayed. Each group and each individual has its own story, its own reason for making the choice to respond in whatever way they did. Whatever choice they have made, their struggles, although very, very different, are the same. Those that fought put their lives on the line and many were lost because they wanted justice for their people. Very brave individuals and independence tomorrow could not happen without their sacrifice. Those that walked, I use that term loosely, some walked, some flew, above all, they have managed to find a way out of the war. Many would think that those that left are not as entitled in saying this is their nation because they did not stay and experience the struggle. But those individuals that walked experienced their own struggles abroad. They may feel guilty for leaving behind their family, their land, their people, but it is because of these individuals and their testimonies the rest of the world is aware and more educated on the people and the conflict here. Then you have those that stayed. They neither fought nor walked. They waited. Although they experienced the burden of uncertainty, they stayed for whatever reasons may or may not have been in their control and their staying, their suffering, is something that is probably something that could never be understood by those that did not stay or those that fought. They went about their lives, i'm sure hopeful that peace would come and patient enough to wait.

My above categorizations are my thoughts. Folks can disagree with me in regards to the struggle, but I feel that any struggle regardless of the form it is presented in is still a struggle. My struggle, is very different from the next, but that doesn't mean that my struggle is any less significant than the next. Maybe to you it is or to him or to her, but to me its real. Most importantly, when I say struggle, it is quite different from suffering. The suffering of individuals is very different and can come in various levels.  (Just wanted to clear that up)

For all of those that have suffered and struggle for the independence of this nation, thank you.


Let the countdown begin!

Fleeting thoughts...

This marks my 8th week in South Sudan. Phew...glad I made it this far and I begin to look at my schedule for the remainder of my time, I am beginning to feel fearful that by the time that I leave I will not feel fulfilled by what I have done here so far. For some reason today I began entertaining the thought of staying longer, with another organization, to get more experience in my field. I've decided that I would only stay if the RIGHT opportunity presents itself. I have this habit of just picking up and going. Not thinking about what I have started somewhere else, relationships , workwise. I shouldn't even entertain such thoughts seeing as i'm still in school and a delay in returning will only delay in my finishing. I have family and friends that I have neglected for far too long and I have a new city that I need to get to know. AHHHHHHHHHH!!! Decisions. Decisions. Decisions.


I'm not going to worry about it, nor will I spend too much of my time thinking about it. I'm going to do my best to focus on the moment during the moment and make the most of the time I do have here.

Carpe Diem!


I can truly say despite the indecisiveness and all the thoughts that occupy my mind and make me unstable, I'm happy and truly love the life I live. Thankful everyday for the blessings that have been bestowed upon me and thankful for the people whos support and encourage me.

Yep. I'm still here.

I may have alarmed some after my last post, please don't be. Although I'm not naive to the situation here, i'm also not going to walk around paranoid and afraid of anything either. It is what is, I am what I am, and i'm here. 8 weeks down and 5 more to go before I'm off on my east African vacation. The question I seem to get quite a bit is if this is worth it. The nightmares, the inability to sleep, the heat, the rice and beans and beans and rice, the horrible roads, the feelings that i'm not operating at my full capacity or abilities, the fear, the unpredictability of things, missing family, missing a summer in the states, missing friends....yeah despite all that I still believe this experience is worth it. I have learned something about myself, what i'm comfortable with and just how far I can push myself before I take a step back. I don't know if this type environment is the right fit for me per se, but I wouldn't know otherwise if I hadn't came to begin with. Life is unpredictable and I have no idea where I will go from here. All I know is I have a better idea of what I can and cannot handle.

In 8 days Southern Sudan will become the Republic of South Sudan. I am happy and excited to be able to witness the birth of this nation. This has been a wonderful opportunity that I will do my best not to take for granted.

Reality Check

(Please read critically and know the not everyone here falls into what is happening; what is being stated is not a picture of all of South Sudan and this email is not to generalize the population. Above all, know that i'm safe)

I'm careful of what I say because I don't want to misinform anyone of the situation here. I don't want to paint a picture of a reality that may not really be the reality and I know that you really can't believe everything that you read. In 10 days, Africa's newest nation will be born. I'm excited but at the same time scared of the fate of this country. I have been somewhat silent on the situation here because I don't want to alarm anyone (particularly my family who get these updates) but I don't know how to put it any other way, the situation here is bad and it will continue to be bad. I'm not in a guerrilla warfare, bombs are not dropping around me and I don't hear gunshots everyday (most of the time its happy shooting...like the other night for the lunar eclipse they were shooting. I was in the field so I missed it but my colleagues told me the funny stories of people running for cover because they thought they were under attack. I guess its good to find something to laugh about in these situations).  Those that are hopeful see the impending independence as the answer to solving the soon to be country's problems, but it's not and it won't. Although the major concern is the conflict between the north and south, there is another conflict brewing and only in time will we be able to see how it plays out. One of the generals in the SPLA (Sudan People's Liberation Army-the army of the south) feels like the current government of South Sudan is marginalizing his people and that there is not an equal representation of his people and other tribes within the new government. This guy-Peter Gadet- has formed his own militia group that is responsible for attacks in towns along the border. Currently, there has been some clashes on the other side of the border-South Kordofan-which the northern army is responsible for, but those on this side (southern) the north is not responsible for directly (indirectly they can be supplying arms). There were attacks in Turalei and Akun and there is a possibility of them moving further south in order to surround Abyei. This is all speculation and reports that have been given by various security officials, there is no way of really knowing until something happens or you are told directly from the source. There has been a rise of military on the roads and this will probably continue to increase over the next coming days and weeks. The situation is currently unpredictable and although we all are hoping for the best, we are preparing for the worst.

In terms of human development, I would say if you put it on a scale it would be in the negative. There is hope, but there would need to be an aggressive overhaul of systems, development measures, and capacity building to make things better. I'm not an expert, but from what I see and what I hear, there's a lot that needs to be done to bring this country to a point where it can begin to think about longer term development. There is a lot of mistrust among the people and because of this it is difficult to get anything done. UNICEF distributed mosquito nets and because they were white people refused to use them due to them being highly visible and fearful that people who are trying to attack them will see them or they think the nets are the government's way of spying. Many will use the nets to create stalls for their animals or to tie other things together. While a woman is breastfeeding, she refrains from having sex, it doesn't curb reproduction because her husband will just take on another wife to have during this time and when that one gets pregnant, he will take another one. Condoms, family planning, HIV/AIDS/STI prevention, all of that are not available. The health centers are..yeah. If they're there they may not have drugs or staff or even open. Guinea worm is a huge issue due to people using open and contaminated water sources. Farming techniques are not there and a family will cultivate a small plot not thinking of longer term food security. Malnutrition rates in this state alone are immeasurable. Hygiene and sanitation, that is a whole other issue. Latrines are pretty non-existent except at locations such as health centers and schools that have been constructed by international NGOs. Kids don't go to school because they're not protected. In the past they could have went to school one day and then a raid occurred and they lost their family. Or they don't have clothes to wear to school. Or there are no teachers. Or there are no books, no materials. Child soldiers are a huge portion of the population, these (mostly) men are now working in the private or government sector and still carry the mentality of being a soldier, don't trust anyone and at times can be aggressive. There is more a hand out mentality than a hand up and for the most part believe that if you want them to have something you will give it to them, otherwise let them be. The reasoning is valid and although I would want to be able to wave a wand and fix everything, its going to take a generation or two to really turn the situation around here. But as they say, Rome wasn't built overnight and neither was the US, so although they are starting from the very beginning, it is possible that things will turn around. For now this is their reality and I have to accept it and accept that this time around I won't do much to change anything.

I've been conflicted because I don't want to make the situation out to be more than what it is but I have to look at reality and trust that what I'm seeing and what I hear is the truth. Of course there is more to the story then I know and will ever know. I'm alert and although I usually rely on my heart to make my decisions, I will have to follow my logic this time and be safe rather than sorry. I'm challenging myself quite a bit, i'm not ready to leave but I also know that this type of work environment (conflict regions) may not be the best fit for me. Its hard constantly thinking about security issues and wondering if something is going to break out. Its hard to focus when there's insecurity and as myself and my colleagues find it difficult to carry out our tasks due to the insecurity and instability, I can only imagine how difficult it is for a Sudanese citizen to build themselves and their family up when they don't have the support network that I have. I can't blame the people for the lack of development among them, i'm sure if they were in a more stable environment it would be easier. But when you have to constant flee and rebuild, you stop investing so much in rebuilding because you never know when you will have to flee.


With hope and in peace.