2 years ago.

So I haven't wrote in awhile. Probably because I was unsure what to write about seeing that not much has really happened and I haven't been in much of a writing mood...until now. It's surprising how things come full circle and re-present a lesson or two learned previously but somehow magically forgotten during this journey called life. 2 years ago, I was going through the oh so fun job search process. Up until that point, I was able to land jobs through my connections to people (my job as a director of a summer program was brought on by a referral by a friend and my first job out of undergrad was given to me due to my role as a volunteer the previous 4 years). I never really had to go through the job search process because I was always able to find one, or have one fall into my lap just as I needed it. 2 years ago, my self- esteem took a huge blow when I couldn't find a job, particularly one I could see myself doing happily. 2 years ago, I entered into a mind space that just really wasn't the most positive. 2 years ago, despite the blows to the self-esteem, the dark mind space, and the inability to find joy within the everyday comings and goings of life I was able to get it together, mentally and physically to keep it going. If you don't believe me, go back in my blog and you will see, that those few months when summer tapered into fall, were difficult and not the happiest for me. 2 years later, I find myself in the same exact place. job searching and looking for a position that is the right fit, something that I would want to do for the next long time, something that was aligned with my passions and left my soul feeling fulfilled and up until this point nothing but crickets can be heard.

As I saw myself falling back into that same mind space I was in 2 years ago, I had to check myself. Things in life were not in order, from relationships to what I needed to do on a day to day to keep myself sane. If I continued to let things get out of hand, out of my control, I would have fallen...hard. After a few days of being in my thoughts and figuring out what I needed to do to keep my sanity,peace, and joy, I realized that even though there are things that are out of my control at this point, i'm resilient. I always have and always will make it over the hurdles that life throws in front of me and I will always come out stronger, wiser, happier and more balanced than before. I had to remind myself that even though things may appear to not being going in the direction I want them to go, they're going in the direction I need them to go in order to get to the next stop in my journey. It's a scary, scary thing to be placed in a vulnerable situation such as this, but just because this situation makes me vulnerable, it does not take away from who I am as an individual, what I have accomplished, what I will accomplished.

There are a lot of things I need to do to get back on track, re-establishing boundaries, focusing on my needs, recreating a plan that is more conducive to positive mental thoughts, and more importantly reminding myself that although things may not be in my favor at this very moment, when the moment is right they will be. Sometimes it's difficult to be patient when you think you have been waiting a long time, but life is just one big waiting game. Either you can get really good at it, which means allowing things to unfold as they are supposed to when they are supposed to, or you can become really bad at, forcing the hand of situation that lead you to a path of emptiness. I'm choosing to get good it and while i'm working on mastering the art of patience, I'm going to allow myself to re-experience the joys that are involved with living.

Its time to stop existing and start living again.