The Five Regrets

Double whammy of a blog day...came across this on the blog of my favorite author, Paulo Coehlo, and thought I would share...enjoy!


(One of my friends here sent me a link while commenting on “Insult the dead”. I checked it and I stumbled upon a very interesting text by Bonnie Ware. Below a resumée: )
 

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.


2. I wish I didn't work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.


3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.


4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.


5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.


Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

Healing the broken

Scars. We all have them. Scars from people who took for granted what we had to offer. Scars from people who failed to see the gifts that we bring to this world. Scars that prevent us from being who we are.

I like many have had my share of broken hearts. I remember my first heartbreak I was 8 and my father left. I try not to put to much of my personal life in my blog particularly when it involves specific people but for this instance I will allow it. Daddy's little girl I was so when he left, I was left feeling incomplete. Although I know that it was not my fault, I held for a very, very long time the hurt and heartache from that experience. Confused and not understanding why, I made it a point not to allow myself to get close to any man out of the fear that I would be left feeling the way I did when my father left. Classic story I know, a girl with daddy issues. Although I moved past the initial pain, I carried it around like a monkey on my back until I finally got tired of carrying that burden. I opened myself and my heart to individuals who were not in places to receive it, cherish and take care of it and after each heartbreak I promised myself that I wouldn't allow myself to fall again, it hurt too much and in the end I was the one to lose. As I have gotten older I have a realized a shift in my perspective when it comes to relationships. I got tired of carrying the burden, of allowing myself to feel disappointed if something that could have potentially worked out didn't and I realized above all that in order to heal I would have to get to the root of the issue and face it head on.

After a lapse in time, I re-established a relationship with my father. This was not the easiest process or thing to do because I was still a bit weary of whether or not history would repeat itself. I knew that if I didn't forgive him, If I didn't give it a try I would forever be broken and I wanted to be healed. Being older an understanding that everyone has their own demons which has allowed me to be more empathetic towards my father. It has also allowed for me to recognize that if I could not have a healthy relationship with this man who was once the center of my world, I will never be able to give of myself completely to another man. I was setting every man that could have potentially turned into more for failure because I was failing to deal with my own issues. I'm still working on my relationship with my father, I think we both recognize what went wrong and although unspoken, have decided to move past it. I'm grateful that despite the pain I am able to come on top stronger, wiser, and more ready for the next challenge that is presented.

It took me a whole lot of meditation, prayer, reading and reflection to understand the root of the issue and to give me the strength to deal with it. I love love, I love being in love, I love sharing love, I love seeing love, and in order for this I had to be in a position to accept it, to witness it, and to give it. Its a journey i'm still on, i'm still learning, i'm still experiencing and as each day passes, as each relationship I encounter unfolds I am able to learn, love and appreciate the experience for what it is and not what I think it should be. I have blessed in the fact that at 26 I have been given this perspective, that I am able to engage in healthy relationships and exit them when needed without feeling like I have wasted time or lost a part of myself. It is my only wish that others were able to feel the same and to know how to do the same.

I find myself meeting quite a few guys that are broken (and some girlfriends, but for the sake of this blog im just focusing on the men). I can't fix them. I have given up the idea that my unconditional love, compassion, comfort, and listening ear would be able to fix them and change their perspective. I have realized that my unconditional love, compassion, comfort and listening ear can only provide the support needed for them to move forward, to heal, but they have to do it for themselves in order for it to last. I used to think that I could fix them but that was because I subconsciously thought I was fixing my father, a task that was entirely out of my control. It's quite sad the impact that individuals have on eachother and it's quite sad that that impact can change an individual's entire perspective and outlook on life. I know over time the wounds caused by others become scars and those scars may fade a little but will always be there. So either learn to accept and move past them or continue living bound to a past that you wanted to move forward from.

Love is an amazingly beautiful thing when done with the best intentions. Nothing is ever lost when one loves because there is a lesson learned in everything. As I have said before, it is always better to be grateful that it happened then sad that it's over. I know that for each man I have ever let into my space to share my world, I have walked a way with the knowledge the confidence to apply whatever I learned in the next relationship. Life is meant to be lived and life involves risks, sometimes taking a risk leads down an unexpected road to something beautiful.

“You have to take risks. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen.” -Paulo Coehlo

Making a difference

I received this message today. I finished my Peace Corps service over a year ago and this weekend will mark 2 years since I conducted my first girls empowerment camp-Women2Women. Warmed my heart and brought a smile to my face to know that I made a difference....

Hello Courtney,
The Speaker (Speaker of the House/Parliment) received in audience the Head of Mission at the American Embassy in Lilongwe who was paying a routine courtesy call on the Speaker. Naturally, the envoy went on to outline her governments commitment to continue building on areas of bilateral support which includes the Peace Corps initiative of which you served under.

In reply, the Speaker singled out the outstanding mark you left in his constituency particularly the initiative on girls self realisation and focus on their empowerment. The envoy was most impressed that through Peace Corps , there was such an acknowledgement of its impact. Arising from this, the envoy asked for your contact which without consulting you I gladly passed on to her so that in turn you can pass on contacts of your colleagues that partnered you in that wondrous effort.

Courtney, thank you so much for the opportunity to work with you and do expect contact from the American Embassy.

These words came a time were I needed a little push to keep doing the work that I do even though sometimes I fail to see the impact it has.

Dating.

The topic of several conversations I've had lately is dating. What's the purpose? What is expected? Why date? Who to date? The more I talk about it the more I realize that I have to shape my own perspective of it. I have never been a big dater or player or whatever you want to call it. Its far too complicated for me to try to juggle this person and that person and remember this conversation and that conversation. Since I came back from South Sudan I have gone on several dates. Some good, some bad, some leaving me to wonder what the hell am I doing or what I was thinking. From these experiences I have come to realize that although I prefer to be in a relationship vs. playing the field, dating is required in order to know whether this person has the potential to be something more.

I know I have gotten good at being able to realize from the beginning whether something has long term potential or if its just going to be a short term fling, I have gotten good at recognizing certain characteristics that are non-negotiables and ones that can be overlooked. I'm sure i'm not the easiest person to date, my schedule is all over, I get bored easily and i'm quite selfish with my time and how I spend it so this can be seen as a roadblock for some, to me not really. Obviously knowing oneself and how you fit into the dating equation makes things easier when things don't turn out how one would hope and it makes it easier when it comes to figuring out what it is you're looking for. One thing I think is difficult about dating is going on a date with a person who would make a great friend but because the first interaction has a romantic undertone, its difficult to shift into that friendship mode. I think a majority of the guys I have gone on a  date with I could see as friends (I don't deal with busters) but because both parties may not see it that way it becomes a sinking ship that has sunk. On the flipside it can be easy to jump on the first boat that takes interest in you and ride the ride until you wake up and come to your senses...I don't see the point in that, why waste time when you know that this person is not necessarily the person for you? It becomes easy to look around at others in relationships or those seriously dating and compare whatever your situation is to that only to be left feeling that something is missing when the situation you have is the situation you're meant to be in at that time. I guess it's all int he perspective that you take and knowing what it is that you want, both which could not happen without experience. So as I embark on this wonderful world of dating, I have to remind myself to have fun, enjoy the experience and be open to whatever path is being set in front of me.

Dream Deferred

Since I was 4 years old, I always talked about being a doctor. At first I thought I would be a pediatrician, then a neonatologist and then realized that I really don't want to do either because I realized that although doctors are valuable, I prefer to interact with people in a different manner. I pretty much abandoned that idea and set out on a different path...education. I never really thought about the fact that I could still be a doctor, just not a medical one, but that was until I found a PhD program that instantly grabbed and held my attention and interest. As I learned more about the program and met with those I needed to meet with to gather more information and to learn about what I need to do to best put me in a position for admission, I knew it was the program for me. I was told that I would need to re-take the GRE to become a stronger applicant, not for admission but for funding. So with 3.5 weeks until the last possible day to take the GRE to ensure score reports are mailed out by the application deadline, I registered and buckled down to prepare myself for the GRE. I studied and studied, from the bus to the park bench I had my GRE study tools in hand. Although the time I had would never be enough to prepare me or for me to feel comfortable, I felt good about where I was at in the time that I had prepared. I walked in the testing room on testing day, a bit nervous but relaxed because at this point I know what I know and could only do the best that I could do with the time I had to prepare. I took the test, walked away not thrilled but not disappointed and began to think about the rest of the application. As I was doing some other work, I received an email from the director of the program informing me that the program I am interested in will not be accepting students this upcoming school year and that I would need to wait to apply next year. Disheartened and saddened, I couldn't shake the frustration that I had that I would have to wait a year to apply to this program after all the studying and stressing I have done to prepare myself to apply this year. It wasn't until I gave myself a reality check and put things in perspective, that I began to see this not as some unfair situation but a blessing in disguise. I was poo pooing about not being able to obtain a 3rd degree when there are people all over the world who do not even have access or resources to obtain a secondary education. Even though that dream has been deferred for this point in time, there are still several other things that I now have the time and mind space to focus on and direct my energy towards.
You may remember me mentioning that I missed volunteering and needing to find an outlet for the additional time I have on my hands. Surprisingly it has been difficult to find outlets for volunteering in DC and I was beginning to get frustrated. Luckily enough I have found two organizations that are not only aligned with my personal approach to development, but ran by some of the most amazing people I have met. The Margaret Mead quote, " Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed it's the only thing that ever has" rings true when I look at the people who run these two orgs. and i'm very much excited that I have the opportunity to work with them on fulfilling their mission. Both orgs are different from eachother but provide me with the best outlet for meeting my different interests. Below you will find some information about the organizations and stay tuned for ways you can get involved and help me support these organizations and the people they serve.
As always, thanks for reading and hope to hear from you soon!
xoxo
Courtney


Access to Success
A fusion of sports, education and faith, Access to Success works with children in Benin City, Nigeria to develop skills to reach their highest potential. A2S is solely ran on the efforts of volunteers and has done some amazing things with the small amount of resources they have. Morgan, a classmate and friend, co-founded the organization and has shared with me (and other interested) what they have been doing and what they are trying to do. It is simply amazing to what can be done when folks not only have a dream shared by others but the will to make that dream reality. Read more at http://www.a2sfoundation.org/

Reason, Season, Lifetime

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
— Unknown

I have been reflecting quite a bit about relationships I have and had throughout my life. Sometimes it makes me smile to be able to replay a memory in my mind involving a friend, sometimes its makes me sad to think about a friendship that once was and is no more, and sometimes it makes me angry that people entered my world, shook it up and left before I can even decide whether I wanted them to be a part of it or not. Regardless of the status of certain relationships, I know for certain that I am 110% grateful for the friends I have.

The past couple of nights as I traveled home from work or school, I have been thinking a lot about the people whom I cherish. These people I know love me unconditionally and vice versa. My best female friends who know the intricacies of my life, who feel comfortable telling me the truth even if they think the truth may hurt a bit. My female best friends are like no other and being in DC without them, without those bonds have been the most difficult thing about this move. I love them all for who they are, I love them for what they bring and share with this world, and I love them for loving me just the way I am. 

I grew up with brothers so it only makes sense that I have a certain ability to relate/get along with men.  I think of the great male friends I have that provide me with an honest male perspective to help me understand things better. They encourage and support me, they make me feel beautiful on days I have a hard time believing it, they see me for me and respect the woman that I am. I am one of the most blessed/luckiest women in the world to have the great male friends that I do.

Its not often that I get to see these folks seeing as most of them live in others states or countries. But for some reason, they always show up at the time that I need them and saying just what I need to hear. There is a lot of uncertainty when it comes to friendships, but it makes me happy to know that I have a solid group of lifetimers surrounding me.

To all of my friends reading this, I appreciate you for the role you play in my life, whether its only a reason, for a season or around for a lifetime. You mean more to me then I can ever articulate and I will be forever grateful for the love you have given to me.

I truly love my life and the people in it.

The Disintegration of a Generation

What I may have to say in this post may be offensive to some, but if you're easily offended, take everything written as a personal attack, don't have an openmind, and not in the mood to reflect and see if there is any truth behind it, then you should not read this.

Now that that's out of the way. All I can say is what the hell is going on with the people in my generation? I've had several conversations with people lately discussing the disintegration of our society. I look at what we place value on and it saddens me. We overindulge and lose sight of our personal values (that's assuming that we had them to begin with) to create a facade that will allow some sort of validation by our peers. People are going into debt trying to keep up with a lifestyle that we shouldn't expect to be living at this point in our lives or career. Consistently chasing paper to get the shoes, the nails, the hair, the clothes, the car, the whatever to impress others...but when you strip a person of all those things, what do you have left standing there? If we spent more time building our character and community instead of our image, I'm sure we wouldn't passively accept the injustices that occur right in front of our eyes.

I've heard so many of my friends tell me they want to get themselves back to a place of happiness. It was there but amidst all of the hustle and bustle and paper chasing, they lost it. I lost it to. For a long time I wasn't happy with the position that I was in, constantly thinking of what I need to do next to fulfill expectations set by those outside of myself. If I didn't change how I thought, I would still be trying to figure out how to get my happy back. It's not going to fall in your lap one day, you have to be proactive and go after it. I spent 4 years at an institution that cost a pretty penny. When I graduated I accepted a position at a shelter that paid HALF of one years tuition. Given the institution I attended, it is expected that I would be making twice what I made as a minimum. I don't regret it. I loved my job, I enjoyed and looked forward to going to work everyday. I made the money I made work for me. If it wasn't necessary I didn't get it. Simple. I work at a shelter now, I love my job, I have the education, experiences, and skills to make 3 times the amount i'm making but waking up and going to a job I love and not loathe is a must in my book.I'm not saying everyone needs to be frugal, but living inside one's means and knowing the motivation behind certain expenses made need to be evaluated. In addition to doing work that you're passionate about, find time to do other things you are passionate about as well, no one else will make the time for it to happen. I believe in not making excuses, either make it happen or accept that it's not.

Let's talk about instant gratification. Our parents fucked us over on this one. Yeah, it's great to get things that they didn't have or didn't have to work hard for, but there is a purpose and great lesson learned behind the struggles they endured. We want things to come easily. That dream job needs to fall on our laps, the dream house and car magically appear and our lives are all peachy keen. If something doesn't come easily we don't want it and this is most evident in our relationships. Relationships require work, lots of it at times. The minute something gets difficult or becomes "too much" the towel is being thrown in and folks are moving on to the next. I'm not sure what happened in investing in an individual and building something great but I fail to see it.

Washington, DC is a great place to acquire a complex. The first question you're asked is "what do you do?" The way you answer can determine the whole direction of the conversation and can either maintain or end it. But really, if someone is trying to size you up and determine whether or not you can be used as a pawn in their own advancement, is that someone you really want to continue speaking with?

I don't have high hopes for my generation and their contributions (other than facebook) to bettering our society

Anyway, I can continue with my rant but i'm going to step off my soapbox now.

P.S I own a BMW....(Bus, Metro, Walking pass!)