I want...

A new computer
A new pair of running shoes
To go camping
Endless days along a vast body of water
A night under the stars
A full day of relaxation...laying out and reading a book without the concerns of time
The partner I want...someone who brings me fresh flowers just because, offers soft sweet kisses whenever, patient with all my semantics and impulses, understanding, thoughtful, kind, spiritual
A job that compensates me for my skills, value, and worth
More sleep
Freedom
Adventure
Love
An English Bulldog named Kiwi



to be continued...

shitty DC date #250836748

Thoughts from the secret coco files...

I swear if someone does not have a complex around dating before coming to DC, they will get one when they get here. I got stories for days and after another failed date, I am really starting to rethink this whole dating thing. I just don't get it.

He showed up late, he questioned my non-meat eating ways, he borrowed my scarf put it on and then told me about the law of possession and said I can't get it back (we all know I got it back), he drank like 12 pepsis, he didn't understand the fact that i don't value money like most folks do, he put is arm across my chair like we were in a relationship and wouldn't stop touching me (either his leg had to touch mine, his hand had to touch my back, etc.., and above all  he was BORING. click click delete.

Taking a timeout.

I feel like I start every blog with an excuse and declaration as to why I need to do better at writing a blog consistently. I have a series of topics that have come to mind and I keep them in my notes on my phone, but sadly the action of writing has not occurred. I know I can do better and at this point I am tired of excuses. Given a series of recent events that left me questioning everything from my personal value and what I believe it to be, my relationships with others, my time, my desires, and a few others. I have realized that it is time to take a timeout. Not sure what this timeout will entail just yet but I do know that I need to start readjusting my use of time, my investment of time in others, and refocus on what I believe to be priorities.

My job is to invest in others. Invest in others to assist them in developing the skills they will need in order to create their paths to their success. I love what I do and I am extremely grateful for the opportunity to do what I do, but because of what I do and what I have done in the past, I am starting to believe that I am hardwired in investing in others to the point that there is no differentiation from what I do and how I live. Recently I have realized that I OVER invest in people and UNDER invest in myself. I am exhausted. Something I hate to do is to show weakness because life has shown me that it can be detrimental to do so but my exhaustion has left me irritable, overwhelmed, and wanting to become a hermit crab. Given that I am approaching 30 in just a few short months, I have made a commitment to myself that I would not bring forth the habits that do not serve my best interest that were experienced throughout my 20s forward. I am tired of over investing in others and under investing in myself and as a result of this, it is time for me to take a step back re-evaluate my relationships and the role I play in them and really think if the time invested is something that I really want to do. This more especially applies to dating and dealing with men as that has been its own internal conflict. I realize that when I truly care about someone, I will do what I can create a space where they feel heard, supported, loved, welcomed, and happy. I have been lucky enough to create relationships with friends that this is a mutual exchange. I have not been so good about demanding the same from potential partners or those that I am interested in on more than a friend level. I have also realized that when dealing with a love interest I give too much of myself without expecting the same in return which has resulted in there being not as much of me to invest in other people that I don't do a good job of investing in when I should. My desire for my partner is that he is just as invested in me, knowing about my past, knowing my present, and knowing what I want for my future. Until I find that I am quite content riding the solo wave.

For the past couple of years, well, since my last year of grad school, I have been interested in becoming an independent consultant. My desire for this is not just because I want to determine how I use my time, but because I like being able to work on different projects that use the different knowledge bases I have. I was speaking to my roommate about hitting a plateau after grad school. Where I became accepting of the mundane and not really investing in my professional goal. I can honestly say there is a lot of fear in trying to become an entrepreneur and strike it out on your own, and this fear has paralyzed me to the point that I was not actively pursuing my career goal despite it being an ongoing nag in my head. I know I am talented, I know that what I want to do I will be successful in, but given that my home life growing up wasn't always stable, I am fearful of being without enough money to cover my basic needs. I have been intentional in silencing that voice that speaks of the fears and have been encouraging the voice that speaks of going after my dream and believing in myself enough to know that it will happen because I will not allow it to be any other way. I have devised a timeline and have planned for August to be the launch of my consulting practice. I registered in an online course to help me learn the steps to starting a consulting practice and have begun marking off time on my calendar that is dedicated to developing this initiative. With all this being said, I know that I need to take a timeout to focus on accomplishing this goal in the time frame that I have set. Its time to trim up some of the fat and get cracking on making things happen. I plan on using my blog as a platform to share my progress and as a way to keep myself accountable. I look forward to the adventure of starting a business and I look forward to all that I will learn.


I am ready to step off the mundane train and to jump on the rollercoaster that will lead me to my goal. I know that all that I desire will be.

#whendoyoufeelmostbeautiful?

• When i'm in my purest form. No makeup etc.. Just a t-shirt and panties
• When I experience moments of bliss, contentment, and confidence
• When I laugh uncontrollably
• When the only thing separating me and earth is the skin on my feet
• when I feel accomplished (mostly by reaching a goal)
• When i'm 100% in the moment
• When I connect with others past a superficial level (more especially on a spiritual level)
• When I recognize a new area of mental and physical beauty
• When i'm honest with myself

Time.

In the past couple of weeks, I have had two separate conversations about the use of time. One conversation involved an individual interested in me romantically (sadly but gladly the feeling is not mutual) who made the comment that I'm too busy and never make time for them. Now had I deemed this person a friend and had I known them longer than 2 months, I may have felt some type of way by that statement and aligned my actions with the way I felt. But alas, I don't and my actions have followed suit (and there is not much action on my part). The other conversation was with my cousin and aunt over brunch. My cousin brought up the fact that my aunt needs to put herself out there and date more (she's mid-60s). My aunt responded that she has tried a plethora of dating sites only to be disappointed by the lies (and I can totally understand that and will leave it for a separate post at a later date) and really has no desire to give up the things she enjoys to invest in the pursuit of finding a partner. She feels that while doing the things she loves, her boo thang will appear and they will do those things together. Boom. Ain't that the truth?

I'm a planner. I tried to change. I tried to let go of my calendar and just flow with it, I tried not to fill up my time with things I enjoy, to be idle. I tried. I really did. Sadly, it's just not me. Everything I put my time towards, I truly enjoy hence why I make time for it. Between work, side hustles, and volunteering, my free time is "limited" and as a result of finding balance and finding value, I choose to use that time to enjoy the company of those I really enjoy and to do the things I find pleasure in. And all of that goes into my google calendar. I even write my mom in my calendar. This is not to say that she is less important or that I can't see or spend time with her outside of the time on my calendar. It to me says, that you or whatever it is, is important enough for me to give my time (something you can never get back) to and I want to make sure that there are no distractions or interferences when it comes to that time. My ex complained that I didn't have time for him, I beg to differ. He may have had too much time and may not understood that the things I commit myself to are things that I see as an extension of myself (and for the betterment of the community). I felt guilty when people would complain about  my planner ways, but really I don't care. It works for me and it allows me the ability to enjoy everything I commit to the fullest. I believe in making time for the things that are important to you, important to your development, important to your connection to the world and because of this I will continue to fill out my calendar making time for the things that matter most to me.

When you release....you receive

I asked my bestfriend what I should write about and she was just as unsure as I was. Given all that is going on and all that has gone on, i've been having a hard time wrapping my mind around just one thing that would be good enough to focus on for a post. As I look back at this summer and recent events, the one thing that pops into my mind is the word release. So as I release these words here, hopefully I can find some sort of meaning in all the thoughts scrambled in my mind and perhaps you will find something for you too.

If the beginning of the summer was any indication of how this summer was going to go, I could confidently say it would have sucked. really bad. In one week I celebrated a birthday, a death, and a break up. Waaaaay tooo much, right?! I wasn't in space like woe is me or anything but I was taken back at all the monumental things that occurred within such a short period of time that I could not quite digest each one. They say when it rains it pours, and that it did. Thank God I invested in that sturdy $2 umbrella from Ikea...

Now that I look back, i'm grateful that all of that happened at once because it forced me to acknowledge the power of release. Most folks that know me know that I practice a more metaphysical type of "religion" and that at the center of my beliefs is the idea that the mind is powerful beyond measure both consciously and subconsciously and these conscious and subconscious thoughts manifest themselves into a physical space. (Hopefully I didn't lose you there because I really do have a point..haha). The actions of that dreadful week in June were a result of my mind manifesting my desires. The correlating theme in all of those events is release, letting go, setting free..however you want to phrase it. The universe and my mind both aligned to present me with an opportunity to release the concepts that imprisoned me in order to make space for a new way of thinking and being. And in all honesty, It was about damn time. All of my actions leading up to this were aligning me to this experience in order to be in a position to accept it and move forward from it all.

So what was I releasing? The idea of permanency. Nothing in this life is permanent. Nothing is guaranteed. When we hold on to the idea that things are guaranteed, permanent, belonging to us, etc.. we are allowing ourselves to be controlled by it. This goes for objects, people, situations, etc. When we busy ourselves with thoughts of ways to hold on to something, we lose time appreciating it.When we hold on to things that are not meant to be held on to, we lose ourselves. When we release the things that we hold ourselves bound to, we create a space for all the things that we are meant to have.

I took some down time to digest all that went on and I'm still taking time to really figure out the path moving forward, but in the end I feel confident in knowing that the direction I am heading in is the right one.

Reflections of 28

The last time I wrote I told myself I had to do better. I have been horrible at keeping up with my writing and as a result am writing a blog post that is way overdue. In just a few short days I will be entering my last year of my 20s. Holy effin cow where has the time gone? As some folks dread getting older, I look forward to it. I always said I look forward to 30 and 50 and then i'll stay at 50 until the end ;) But alas, i'm not there yet.

The week leading up to my birthday is always super reflective for me. Sometimes I wish I had the opportunity to travel to some undisclosed location and just be. Alone. By myself. To reflect and think and set my intentions for the upcoming new year. Since I don't have that opportunity, I have to find the time to squeeze it in when I can and to hopefully not get too caught up in my thoughts to the point where I disconnect from what i'm doing in that moment. We are constantly evolving and constantly learning and I can make a whole list of lessons that were presented in the year. But I won't. Not because i'm selfish but because i'm still learning how to apply these lessons in my life. I re-read the blog that I wrote just before my birthday last year of the things that I hoped for in the new year. I wish I can say I stayed true to that list, but I can't and i'm fine with that. I know in time the things I hope for will present themselves as consistent aspects of my life. Until then, I will accept where I am and allow myself to be in a space where I can receive all the things that the universe has to offer me.

In the last week I decided to take inventory of these past 28 years. Doing this exercise allowed me to see all the things that I have accomplished placing me in a space where I can appreciate. We are often so caught up in the next best thing that we forget all the good things that have happened. All the good things we have done. All the goals we have achieved. I decided to take this inventory to put me in a space of appreciation of me. Something that I pride myself on and also realize is a great flaw is that I put others before myself. I can't help it. I truly believe I was created this way and I totally accept it. But as a result I have lost sight of the things that I have accomplished and I have lost sight of the things that have made me me. In addition, it has led me down a path where I felt the need to do more more more instead of doing what felt right in the moment. As 28 comes to a close I feel confident in knowing that I have done a better job of creating the balance needed to operate in a capacity that allows me to do what is essential to my core-which is serving others- while remaining focused on my own needs for personal satisfaction. As they say "self love is the best love" so i'm going to close out 28 celebrating me!

 Without further ado...my 29 accomplishments before 29

1. Complete 3 half marathons (yes, thick girls can run)
2. Graduate from college...while working full-time
3. Completing my Masters degree
4. Traveling to 4 of 7 continents (if airports count it would be 5)
5. Travel to my #1 of my top 5 places to go...Kenya
6. Travel to my #2 of my top 5 places to go...India
7. Travel to my #3 of my top 5 places to go...Puerto Rico
8. Live in a foreign country...alone
9. Learn to speak a foreign language...muli bwanji?
10. Fall in love
11. Own pets
12. Live in cities other than my hometown
13. Visit a winery...or two...or three..
14. Participate in a book club
15. Quit a job that wasn't fulfilling/making me happy/etc.
16. Mentor youth
17. Participate in community service continuously
18. Develop a strong professional/personal network
19. Live inside my means
20. Buy a new car...by myself
21. Swim in 3 of the 4 oceans
22. Hitchhike...and survive
23. Maintain a vegetarian diet..for more than 3 months
24. Make a commitment and maintain a commitment to health and mental well being
25. Develop and implement youth programs globally
26. Manage other people
27. Travel to an island
28. Live alone
29. Take risks with jobs, love, and life

I guess the real reason why I wrote this is because we often overlook the small things waiting for the next big thing to happen. We often forget to celebrate the small accomplishments. We often forget to celebrate all the experiences that have made us into the people we are. 

And an added bonus my 30 before 30!

1. Skydive (happening on my 29th bday!)
2. Watch the sunset over the ocean
3. Watch the sunrise over the ocean
4. Stargaze at the National Mall
5. Jazz in the park
6. Attend an outdoor movie
7. Go to a drive-in
8. Go to a gun range
9. Attend a cultural event
10. Learn/take Spanish classes
11. Drive with no destination in mind and eat at a local restaurant
12. Picnic somewhere new
13. Go fruit picking
14. Try out acupuncture
15. Paddle boat on the Potomac
16. Go to all the memorials (esp. the Jefferson)
17. Buy coffee/lunch/dinner/etc.. for a random stranger
18. Go to the Library of Congress
19. Go up the Washington Monument
20. Go to Nashville (haven't been since I left in 2008)
21. Go camping somewhere new
22. Go to Boston (to visit my other PC pal/sister wife)
23. Visit New York as a tourist
24. Eat a meal in Queens, Bronx, and Long Island (the boroughs I haven't been)
25. Hangout on Coney Island
26. Visit Sugarloaf Mtn. (in MD)
27. Go to the Baltimore Aquarium
28. Eat Vietnamese food
29. Go to Luray Cavern
30. Go to Greece (the other motherland!)

Update:

Changing out some of the above list to align more with where my head is now..
 #10 will become begin learning a new language (still in progress...spanish, french, or arabic?)
#23 and 24 and 25 will become 23. 
#24 will become take myself on a personal date monthly (so far so good!)
#25 will become blog more consistently (a must happen!)
#30 will become travel internationally



*some of these things I have done before but want to re-do them because they bring me joy :) *

And I guess my request to my friends is...if you're down for helping check off one or more of my 30 before 30s let me know!

Until next time be well and celebrate you!

xoxo