Lately, I find myself reflecting a lot on defining moments. What happened and when that triggered some sort of shift in my thought process. I decided to share some of my defining moments.
1. My first crush
I was 5. This is probably one of my earliest memories. I was so in love with MC, blonde hair and blue eyed, he was just dreamy in my eyes. MC didn't feel the same way. I had a crush on him until the 3rd grade when I realized that there will never be anything between us (so early to think this way but I guess its an innate thing). I guess this would be my first experience with men, the ones you want you don't always get and vice versa. Just brush yourself off because there is always another one on the horizon.
2. My parents separation/divorce
This was the hardest part of my childhood. The amount of emotions and pain and lack of control over a situation and I think the recognition that nothing or NO ONE has a guaranteedn presence in your life. Love people when you can because they can leave before you know it. As a product of divorce, I'm steadfast in the idea that if I ever get married it would be forever. I guess partner selection, ability to communicate and compromise and investing in truly getting to know a person are a must. I refuse to make that type of commitment to a person out of loneliness.
3. Moving
In the 6th grade my family moved an hour from where I grew up. Although it was exciting to have something new to experience, it was difficult having to start over. Patience, flexibility, adaptability and self-resilience came to play here. I had to learn how to adjust to wherever I was and I had to learn how to rely on myself.
4. Traveling blues
My mom had a job managing a blues musician and because of this traveled quite a bit. I would take on the responsibility of the house, making sure it was clean, there was food, doling out allowances etc.. This was my first "mothering" experience. I was 14 and although I enjoyed the responsibility, I sometimes wished I didn't have it.
5. Moving back
My family moved back to where I grew up going into my sophomore year. It was great to be back but I have missed a big portion of influential years with friends and felt left out quite a bit because of it. I couldn't help but feel different because my experience was different and not shaped by the same things as theirs.
6. Losing our home
A series of events including a break up involving my mother ended in us losing our home and essentially becoming homeless. I had a place to stay on the couch of a great friend. During this time I worked quite a bit to help my family, but like divorce it just emphasized that nothing is guaranteed and one must have a plan for everything. Experiencing this as made me more dependent on myself than others which can play out in several different ways when engaging in romantic relationships and it taught me how to be frugal or cautious with money. I budget because you never know what type of emergency may arise. It is because of this that I'm in the line of work i'm in now, it was the first catalyst to going into public service work.
7. Appalachia Service Project
My first real experience doing service. I went with my church group to rehabilitate homes in the Appalachian Mountains. My first time seeing poverty to this degree, allowing me to realize that although I may have had it bad, there was someone out there with it much worse. I also realized as much as I was giving, I was receiving and it was the springboard into a life of service.
8. English teacher and acceptance
My senior year was pivotal. I worked....A LOT. So when it came to applying to colleges, I had time for two-Tulane and Vanderbilt. During this time I had an English teacher who was supportive and encouraging despite others believing those schools were out of my league (I didn't think so, I had a solid GPA and all that they required). Despite all the naysayers, having one person who really didn't know me but believed in me made all the difference. I got my first rejection from Tulane and I remember thinking that my future is now over because if they didn't accept me, neither would Vanderbilt. I was blessed that Vanderbilt saw something in me that Tulane didn't and accepted me into their school of education (Proud Peabody grad!) I wanted to be a high school English teacher so I could have a positive impact on students the way my English teacher had on me.
9. Vandy
Vanderbilt was a whole new world. The amount of wealth present was astounding. I felt like a rag child in comparison. I didn't come from money, I had to work in the cafeteria serving up half chickens to get a free meal plan and some cash to have in my pockets. I didn't have money for the excess so I didn't pretend like I did and I made sure not to overindulge to ensure that in case I couldn't (which tended to be the case) get it from home, I had something. I experienced a range of emotions from rage to jealousy to resentment because these kids had abundant amount of money at their fingertips from mommy and daddy and I had to slave away cleaning up chicken grease. The distribution of wealth was something I didn't quite understand abstractly but experienced first hand. On the upside, I met some of the most AMAZING friends and had some of the most amazing experiences.
10. GED
My first teaching gig was as a volunteer teaching assistant for a women's adult GED program. I loved my fellow teacher and my students and it felt good to be a part of a community outside of Vanderbilt. It was then that I realized that I do not belong in the formal education system but that my interests were more aligned with providing educational opportunities for those that are often left out or forgotten. I continued to teach with this class past the time expected for the class requirement and for the remaining 4 years I lived in Nashville (including the year after I graduated).
11. Panera Bread
I spent my last two years of school working at Panera as a trainer. I loved my job, not because I was dealing with bagels and soups but the team I was a part of (just like one dysfunctional family) and the interactions with our regular customers. Although it was a great job, if you have read my post about lessons learned, you will see that I was treated a bit differently because I was serving and not be served. I would get angry that people assumed that I was some lowlife that was there probably trying to feed my babies with different baby daddies and couldn't be all that intelligent. The look of shock on their faces when they found out I was a student at the prestigious university across the street was enough validation, but this experience has made me never to assume the capabilities of another individual just because of the side of the counter they're on.
12. Shelter life
Throughout college, I volunteered at a homeless shelter in Nashville. I then took a job there upon graduation. Not doing anything all that related to my degree but still being presented a healthy challenge. I loved my job. It was the perfect balance of faith and spirituality and services. I felt at home, they became my family and at times I wish I could go back.
13. Peace Corps
I always wanted to go to Africa, since I was little but knew that I could never afford such a trip on my own. When I found out about Peace Corps I realized that it is the perfect opportunity. I could travel and combine my love for service into one. No brainer. So I applied, took me two years but finally got placed in Malawi. Malawi and my experience there was simply amazing and probably one of the most pivotal moments in my adult life. Because of the pseudo-isolation, one gets really involved in themselves and their thought. I was able to digest, reflect, and heal from all the previous experiences and I was able to find out who I was or wanted to be and become comfortable with the person that I am.
14. Grad School
I decided to go to grad school after my first year in Malawi and finding a program that was the right mix and what I felt to be a good fit for me was important. A good friend of mine and a graduate of the program i'm in convinced me based on what I wanted to do that the International Training and Education Program (ITEP) at American Univ. would be a good fit. I agree, I have a learned a lot that it very applicable and practical to any type of work I find myself engaging in.
15. The diagnosis of a friend
A good friend from college was diagnosed with breast cancer at 25. Now this is a shock to all because breast cancer tends to be a disease found in older women, but leave it to my vivacious, fun-loving friend to change that. I'm not the best in these types of situations but realizing that no one is invincible, that anything can happen at anytime and that life is meant to be lived to the fullest, with no regrets had given me the freedom to be more carefree. To enjoy what I do and do what I enjoy without feeling guilty. For putting me first, for being direct and honest.
16. Love
I decided to save the best for last. I can say honestly that I have been in love a few times, i'm not going to go into details about it. But love is a funny and beautiful thing. You feel every range of emotion possible and another person has the ability to dictate the feelings that you have of yourself and of that moment. After the first 2 heartbreaks, I sealed up the vault not completely allowing myself to go that far with any other individual. To let someone come in, get down to your core and leave is something that is not easily forgotten and brings a lot of pain that may take a lot of time to heal. I'm at a point where i'm ready to open the vault.
Of course there are a few other defining moments that I haven't shared here, I wasn't expecting this many to begin with but I guess when you open the flood gates, expect things to come rushing out. I'm proud of my experiences, the scars, the memories that have stemmed from them because i'm proud of the person that I turned out to be.
1. My first crush
I was 5. This is probably one of my earliest memories. I was so in love with MC, blonde hair and blue eyed, he was just dreamy in my eyes. MC didn't feel the same way. I had a crush on him until the 3rd grade when I realized that there will never be anything between us (so early to think this way but I guess its an innate thing). I guess this would be my first experience with men, the ones you want you don't always get and vice versa. Just brush yourself off because there is always another one on the horizon.
2. My parents separation/divorce
This was the hardest part of my childhood. The amount of emotions and pain and lack of control over a situation and I think the recognition that nothing or NO ONE has a guaranteedn presence in your life. Love people when you can because they can leave before you know it. As a product of divorce, I'm steadfast in the idea that if I ever get married it would be forever. I guess partner selection, ability to communicate and compromise and investing in truly getting to know a person are a must. I refuse to make that type of commitment to a person out of loneliness.
3. Moving
In the 6th grade my family moved an hour from where I grew up. Although it was exciting to have something new to experience, it was difficult having to start over. Patience, flexibility, adaptability and self-resilience came to play here. I had to learn how to adjust to wherever I was and I had to learn how to rely on myself.
4. Traveling blues
My mom had a job managing a blues musician and because of this traveled quite a bit. I would take on the responsibility of the house, making sure it was clean, there was food, doling out allowances etc.. This was my first "mothering" experience. I was 14 and although I enjoyed the responsibility, I sometimes wished I didn't have it.
5. Moving back
My family moved back to where I grew up going into my sophomore year. It was great to be back but I have missed a big portion of influential years with friends and felt left out quite a bit because of it. I couldn't help but feel different because my experience was different and not shaped by the same things as theirs.
6. Losing our home
A series of events including a break up involving my mother ended in us losing our home and essentially becoming homeless. I had a place to stay on the couch of a great friend. During this time I worked quite a bit to help my family, but like divorce it just emphasized that nothing is guaranteed and one must have a plan for everything. Experiencing this as made me more dependent on myself than others which can play out in several different ways when engaging in romantic relationships and it taught me how to be frugal or cautious with money. I budget because you never know what type of emergency may arise. It is because of this that I'm in the line of work i'm in now, it was the first catalyst to going into public service work.
7. Appalachia Service Project
My first real experience doing service. I went with my church group to rehabilitate homes in the Appalachian Mountains. My first time seeing poverty to this degree, allowing me to realize that although I may have had it bad, there was someone out there with it much worse. I also realized as much as I was giving, I was receiving and it was the springboard into a life of service.
8. English teacher and acceptance
My senior year was pivotal. I worked....A LOT. So when it came to applying to colleges, I had time for two-Tulane and Vanderbilt. During this time I had an English teacher who was supportive and encouraging despite others believing those schools were out of my league (I didn't think so, I had a solid GPA and all that they required). Despite all the naysayers, having one person who really didn't know me but believed in me made all the difference. I got my first rejection from Tulane and I remember thinking that my future is now over because if they didn't accept me, neither would Vanderbilt. I was blessed that Vanderbilt saw something in me that Tulane didn't and accepted me into their school of education (Proud Peabody grad!) I wanted to be a high school English teacher so I could have a positive impact on students the way my English teacher had on me.
9. Vandy
Vanderbilt was a whole new world. The amount of wealth present was astounding. I felt like a rag child in comparison. I didn't come from money, I had to work in the cafeteria serving up half chickens to get a free meal plan and some cash to have in my pockets. I didn't have money for the excess so I didn't pretend like I did and I made sure not to overindulge to ensure that in case I couldn't (which tended to be the case) get it from home, I had something. I experienced a range of emotions from rage to jealousy to resentment because these kids had abundant amount of money at their fingertips from mommy and daddy and I had to slave away cleaning up chicken grease. The distribution of wealth was something I didn't quite understand abstractly but experienced first hand. On the upside, I met some of the most AMAZING friends and had some of the most amazing experiences.
10. GED
My first teaching gig was as a volunteer teaching assistant for a women's adult GED program. I loved my fellow teacher and my students and it felt good to be a part of a community outside of Vanderbilt. It was then that I realized that I do not belong in the formal education system but that my interests were more aligned with providing educational opportunities for those that are often left out or forgotten. I continued to teach with this class past the time expected for the class requirement and for the remaining 4 years I lived in Nashville (including the year after I graduated).
11. Panera Bread
I spent my last two years of school working at Panera as a trainer. I loved my job, not because I was dealing with bagels and soups but the team I was a part of (just like one dysfunctional family) and the interactions with our regular customers. Although it was a great job, if you have read my post about lessons learned, you will see that I was treated a bit differently because I was serving and not be served. I would get angry that people assumed that I was some lowlife that was there probably trying to feed my babies with different baby daddies and couldn't be all that intelligent. The look of shock on their faces when they found out I was a student at the prestigious university across the street was enough validation, but this experience has made me never to assume the capabilities of another individual just because of the side of the counter they're on.
12. Shelter life
Throughout college, I volunteered at a homeless shelter in Nashville. I then took a job there upon graduation. Not doing anything all that related to my degree but still being presented a healthy challenge. I loved my job. It was the perfect balance of faith and spirituality and services. I felt at home, they became my family and at times I wish I could go back.
13. Peace Corps
I always wanted to go to Africa, since I was little but knew that I could never afford such a trip on my own. When I found out about Peace Corps I realized that it is the perfect opportunity. I could travel and combine my love for service into one. No brainer. So I applied, took me two years but finally got placed in Malawi. Malawi and my experience there was simply amazing and probably one of the most pivotal moments in my adult life. Because of the pseudo-isolation, one gets really involved in themselves and their thought. I was able to digest, reflect, and heal from all the previous experiences and I was able to find out who I was or wanted to be and become comfortable with the person that I am.
14. Grad School
I decided to go to grad school after my first year in Malawi and finding a program that was the right mix and what I felt to be a good fit for me was important. A good friend of mine and a graduate of the program i'm in convinced me based on what I wanted to do that the International Training and Education Program (ITEP) at American Univ. would be a good fit. I agree, I have a learned a lot that it very applicable and practical to any type of work I find myself engaging in.
15. The diagnosis of a friend
A good friend from college was diagnosed with breast cancer at 25. Now this is a shock to all because breast cancer tends to be a disease found in older women, but leave it to my vivacious, fun-loving friend to change that. I'm not the best in these types of situations but realizing that no one is invincible, that anything can happen at anytime and that life is meant to be lived to the fullest, with no regrets had given me the freedom to be more carefree. To enjoy what I do and do what I enjoy without feeling guilty. For putting me first, for being direct and honest.
16. Love
I decided to save the best for last. I can say honestly that I have been in love a few times, i'm not going to go into details about it. But love is a funny and beautiful thing. You feel every range of emotion possible and another person has the ability to dictate the feelings that you have of yourself and of that moment. After the first 2 heartbreaks, I sealed up the vault not completely allowing myself to go that far with any other individual. To let someone come in, get down to your core and leave is something that is not easily forgotten and brings a lot of pain that may take a lot of time to heal. I'm at a point where i'm ready to open the vault.
Of course there are a few other defining moments that I haven't shared here, I wasn't expecting this many to begin with but I guess when you open the flood gates, expect things to come rushing out. I'm proud of my experiences, the scars, the memories that have stemmed from them because i'm proud of the person that I turned out to be.
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