All over

This morning I received an email from one of my bosses asking for something i've been working on for her by this afternoon. I'm good with deadlines but this particular deadline was for Wednesday and I'm still waiting to get some input (from her) before I can finish the assignment. It will get done but now i'm up at 9am on my day off getting work done before my mom arrives to pick me up. My brother's girlfriend is coming in town today and I told my mom that we could do lunch, then the gf and I will attend an event for my program before we hit dinner then I retire to my bed as I have an exam in the morning. Thinking about all of this is a bit overwhelming in the sense that I don't feel like I ever get time for myself. I do, I take that back, when i'm riding the bus, walking down the street or sleeping in my bed alone. Not sure how much that counts, but I really, really, really like myself and I really, really like to be alone...sometimes. I spend a lot of time trying to be the best daughter, sister, aunt, friend, worker that I can be. I listen, I laugh, I love, I believe in giving 100% even if that means I have to put myself to the side for a bit. I don't do things because I feel that I have too, I do them because I want to and I want my friends, family to feel that they have someone they could always go to.  I think I do a good job at all the different roles but I wish sometimes people, especially the ones I'm closest too, understood better just what I go through, how much weight I carry on my shoulders compounded by my own internal issues. I work in a field where I see and deal with some of the most heartbreaking things everytime I walk in the door (I've got stories), I have been witness to someone of the most difficult things any one person should ever have to experience, but I do it and get through it because I believe I have a gift to carry and share that burden with others. When I say internal, I don't mean illness or mental issues, just sorting throgh what is going on in my life. I'm getting ready to start a new chapter, i'm transitioning and i've never been that good with transitions. I'm slowly learning to get all the voices out of my head except my own (no i'm not schizo but talking about society and family) to figure out just what I want, i'm trying to focus on me, my wants, my needs but sometimes that's hard to do with all the layers, all the roles that I play in my life.

It's a catch 22, I love the role I play in the lives of others, just wished sometimes, I could take off all of those hats, just be and think about me. Selfish I know...but I think I deserve it.

Sorry for the rant, just a bit overwhelmed and as I sort through everything as I begin this transition to a new chapter, more and more things become clear. I'm on a journey, i'm on my way. To where, who knows....