It's my third day at my new job (awesome!) and I receive a text from my mom sharing that she has been having a hard time breathing and may need to go to the ER. I, of course, was ready to leave work at that moment but she insisted that if things got worse she would let me know.
I leave work a little early (still my first week) and head straight to my mom's. Of course as I show up she is getting herself ready (blow drying her hair, etc.) for this trip to the ER. For about six weeks prior my mom had been experiencing a range of symptoms from congestion to laryngitis to loss of appetite and a swollen face. Each trip to the doctor ended with an antibiotic or some other medicine treating a sinus infection. So when we went to the ER, we assumed that it was a result of the sinus infection and that they would probably give her an inhaler and send her on her way. After what seemed like the longest wait ever we were finally seen by an ER nurse and then admitted into the ER. Given the symptoms they ordered a chest xray just to rule anything out. My mom not having slept much in a few days was nodding off and trying to get comfortable with the limited amount of oxygen she was able to get. After another wait, the doctor asks me to step out the room as my mom was napping to share with me what they discovered. It is in that moment I found out my mom has cancer.
After what felt like ages in the ER, my mom was finally transported to the ICU where she remained for the next 3 weeks. For those 3 weeks I served as my mom's representative- speaking with doctors, managing her personal life, updating family and friends. Each time the doctor would provide an update, I had to process it and then disseminate necessary information to others and make decisions in regards to my mom's care. More tests were ran, more decisions to be made. I became a regular in the ICU, making daily trips to ensure my mom was ok and being taking care of. I was getting to know the nurses and more and more familiar with the hospital cafeteria ( 5 stars for the red velvet cake). My mom has cancer.
I have never been one to remain stagnant. Being the first one informed of my mom's diagnosis and then having to make difficult decisions on what type of treatment she should receive (if any) and then having to manage my own life on top her life on top of supporting loved ones as they process the news, is A LOT. There were pivotal times where I would cry- like in the ER when I learned my mom had cancer, or in the ICU waiting room while they were getting my mom situated, or those first few nights when I would leave the hospital and drive home knowing that may have been the last time I saw my mom alive, or once my mom finally was alert and learned of her diagnosis and asked me questions like "Am I dying?" "When am I going to die?" or when I drove home from the hospital towards the end of her stay and the song that is playing on the radio is the one that she said she wanted at her funeral a year or so prior, or the moment of realization that my mom may not be around long enough to see me be a mom... My mom has cancer.
I have my moments, I honor those moments, but I do not stay.
It is quite easy to ride a wave of emotions, going through highs and lows. It's easy to get stuck in despair feeling helpless, sad, angry, etc. What's not easy is being present. I had to make a decision early on- resist the fact that my mom has a terminal illness and be plagued with challenges or surrender to it and find peace through acceptance.
I chose the latter.
I leave work a little early (still my first week) and head straight to my mom's. Of course as I show up she is getting herself ready (blow drying her hair, etc.) for this trip to the ER. For about six weeks prior my mom had been experiencing a range of symptoms from congestion to laryngitis to loss of appetite and a swollen face. Each trip to the doctor ended with an antibiotic or some other medicine treating a sinus infection. So when we went to the ER, we assumed that it was a result of the sinus infection and that they would probably give her an inhaler and send her on her way. After what seemed like the longest wait ever we were finally seen by an ER nurse and then admitted into the ER. Given the symptoms they ordered a chest xray just to rule anything out. My mom not having slept much in a few days was nodding off and trying to get comfortable with the limited amount of oxygen she was able to get. After another wait, the doctor asks me to step out the room as my mom was napping to share with me what they discovered. It is in that moment I found out my mom has cancer.
After what felt like ages in the ER, my mom was finally transported to the ICU where she remained for the next 3 weeks. For those 3 weeks I served as my mom's representative- speaking with doctors, managing her personal life, updating family and friends. Each time the doctor would provide an update, I had to process it and then disseminate necessary information to others and make decisions in regards to my mom's care. More tests were ran, more decisions to be made. I became a regular in the ICU, making daily trips to ensure my mom was ok and being taking care of. I was getting to know the nurses and more and more familiar with the hospital cafeteria ( 5 stars for the red velvet cake). My mom has cancer.
I have never been one to remain stagnant. Being the first one informed of my mom's diagnosis and then having to make difficult decisions on what type of treatment she should receive (if any) and then having to manage my own life on top her life on top of supporting loved ones as they process the news, is A LOT. There were pivotal times where I would cry- like in the ER when I learned my mom had cancer, or in the ICU waiting room while they were getting my mom situated, or those first few nights when I would leave the hospital and drive home knowing that may have been the last time I saw my mom alive, or once my mom finally was alert and learned of her diagnosis and asked me questions like "Am I dying?" "When am I going to die?" or when I drove home from the hospital towards the end of her stay and the song that is playing on the radio is the one that she said she wanted at her funeral a year or so prior, or the moment of realization that my mom may not be around long enough to see me be a mom... My mom has cancer.
I have my moments, I honor those moments, but I do not stay.
It is quite easy to ride a wave of emotions, going through highs and lows. It's easy to get stuck in despair feeling helpless, sad, angry, etc. What's not easy is being present. I had to make a decision early on- resist the fact that my mom has a terminal illness and be plagued with challenges or surrender to it and find peace through acceptance.
I chose the latter.
Happy father's Day brother
ReplyDeleteHappy Fathers Day Messages
South Africa Team Squad