The highs and lows of cancer.

Now let me preface this with, I do not have cancer (thankfully) and I can not fully understand the things the impacted individual faces on a day to day as they cope with cancer. I can say as a "caregiver" to a person (my mom) with cancer, there are highs and lows. Obviously, every situation is different and every approach is different. Let me also preface this with, this is not my first go around with cancer. Albeit my role is different and the level of impact is a bit different this time around, I'm not unfamiliar with the challenges faced by someone with cancer.

Let me tell y'all- this is no walk in the park. From the perspective of a caregiver and not to come across as self-centered I just want to say that I can not speak to the experience my mom is having and will not try. She has made it very clear that she wants to own this experience and I honor that.

There are highs and there are lows. I figured I would share some of the highs and lows I have have experienced while supporting my mom through this.

Lows..

• The mood swings. Obviously cancer is difficult-physically, mentally, emotionally and there are moments of anger, frustration sadness, worry,etc. It can vary day to day and moment by moment and when they are dealing with the not so good emotions, you have to not take it personally when they lash out or get frustrated. 
• Uncertainty. You never know what's going to happen and when. I'm on constant alert that I will receive a phonecall either from my mom or a medical professional. You just never know what will happen and when. 
• Sore muscles. When my mom moved home, I moved in. She's independent for the most part but there are times where she needs assistance with tasks like bathing, cleaning, etc. Additionally, she's has an oxygen machine that needs to be filled with water and checked a few times a day. So, moving in with her and still having my place i'm obviously posting up on the couch bed. My back is perpetually tight. Lifting and bending etc. has put me in desperate need of a massage....daily. 
• Being a caregiver when you just want to be a daughter. Because I'm gone most of the day at work, when I get home I go into autopilot mode. I clean everything as needed, make sure she's ok, and take care of errands not to mention managing my actual home in which my cat still lives in..LOL I wish at times that I could just ENJOY the time we have in the evenings instead of having to go into "get er done" mode. 
• Readjusting my life to support my mom's. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom and gladly make the sacrifice but my schedule is created around her needs. Oh, and dating? Ha. Although i'm open to it, it's hard to share with someone you just met that you live with your mom who has cancer and you need to be home around 9:30pm every evening to ensure she is situated and ready for bed. I'm always hopeful and know that the person intended for me is understanding but yeah...only time will tell I guess.  

Highs...

• Having my mom. Obviously there is a slight shift in roles, but I can still see and interact with her in a capacity that is much more than a few weeks ago. 
• Having time to enjoy the person despite the setbacks of the illness. She's still here and even when she's being a pain, i'm happy to have the time I have. Thanks God. 
• Learning and recognizing my own strength. At times I just sit back in wonder trying to figure out where it comes from. 
• Learning how to be present. Who knows what tomorrow will bring and therefore I will not worry. 
• Learning how to be selfless. I told a friend that after this experience with my mom, I feel ready to be in a relationship with someone because I now know what it's like to put the needs of someone else before your own. Like truly. I have never had to think of someone before myself in this capacity and think that's what happens in a successful relationship-you consider the needs of the other before your own and hope they're doing the same. 
• Recognizing the people that are truly on your team. My friends, like the legit real ones, have been my support throughout all of this. Whether its a meal, a hug, a listening ear, or just being them and allowing our relationship to remain consistent for some level of normalcy-my crew is true and I have no desire to expend energy on those that aren't part of it. 

So although this is a stinky situation, some really good things have come of it and for that I can be appreciative and grateful.