Being a twin.

On June 8, 1985 at 8:18am a beautiful baby girl weighing in at 7lbs 11 oz entered the world. This beautiful baby was me and at that moment all was right in the world. For a whole two minutes my birth was the most glorious thing to happen for the people witnessing it. I had a whole 120 seconds to myself. Most children get a few hours, days, or years to have the light shine upon them. I had two minutes because my twin brother would make his entrance and steal the light from me. Ok, he didn't steal it, we just had to "share" it. I'm sure, knowing how I am, I was hoping that he would go back to where he came from, but alas, not the case and we had to continue sharing the moment and the rest of our lives, as twins. I think that sharing comes easily to twins because we never had a moment that we weren't sharing. From conception to now, we are and always will be apart of a pair. Twins. Like a club that everyone wants to be apart of but doesn't quite understand what comes with being in this club. Having to share toys, friends, and birthdays! The one day that is supposed to be about you, you have to share with sometimes the person who annoys you the most. Being a twin can be hard work, it can be draining and at times you may wish that for a moment you aren't apart of an automatic pair. Being a twin is nothing like being married because when you are a twin you don't get to choose your partner, your partner automatically shows up and you just have to deal. Answering questions about being a twin can be tiresome, like you're some type of weird science experiment that went wrong. Questions like "do you feel his pain?" (NO) "do you know what eachother is thinking?"(NO) or my favorite "what's it like being a twin?"(See below) Well, i'm sure it's nothing like being a single child who never had to share a birthday.

Despite all of this, surprisingly, I would never give up being a twin or my twin brother for anything in the world.

See what people don't know about being a twin is that you come into the world with a friend. Someone you had an extensive time to conduct one-on-one interview with to determine whether or not they're worthy of your friendship (ok that's not proven but i'm sure twins talk while sharing that crammed space and i'm sure the conversation may fall along the lines of "can you move your hand its cutting off my food supply" or "what should we do when we bust out of this joint?"). My twin brother, is not just my brother but my friend. He is the one person I know will always be there, will never judge me and always give me his honest opinion. I mean come on, who wouldn't feel comfortable doing so after spending so much time together initially? My twin brother and I are complete opposites, in a good way. We even live on opposite sides of the country! Even though there is a time difference and several miles separating us, we are still close. He is the first person I call when I'm making a big decision that i'm unsure of how my mom would handle and vice versa.We are able to learn from eachother and provide a perspective that is different than our own. We have an understanding that I know I don't share with my other siblings. My twin brother is one of my favorite people in this world, he inspires me and I am grateful that it is him that I have to share this life with. So to answer the question of what's like being a twin, well, it something wonderful that can't be explained. Being a twin to me is just as normal as being a girl, being biracial, and being intelligent and beautiful(yeah I threw that in there), it's natural and honestly I don't know what it's like not being one so I can't really compare it to anything. One thing i'm sure of I wouldn't change it for anything in the world.

Of course I was the cuter one... :)

My favorite girls!

My nieces and I while I was in Chicago in October (2011).

Reflections

Like many, the new year is one of my favorite times of the year. Actually, the new year next to my birthday (which is conveniently shared with someone else) IS my favorite time of year. I think quite a bit, i'm always thinking; sometimes about perplexing life situations other times about random things I perceive while walking up the street or people or whatever pops up at the moment. I am always thinking. Sometimes I think way to much, over analyzing, breaking it down piece by piece moment by moment to understand what lesson is being presented, what is it that I need to know. Anyway, the reason why I love new years (and my birthday which is 6 months after) so much is the focus put on reflection. Sometimes we make it through life, going through the motions without actually thinking about how those motions have created our lives to be what they are and how a change, any change, in those motions can change the lives we are creating. I love reflecting and next to thinking of random things, I am often reflecting on something I've done, something i've said, something i've thought, to gain a better understanding and sometimes appreciation for whatever happened in those moments. We all have things that can be approved upon, we all have things that we need to learn and sometimes we are our own best teachers. Reflecting allows us to learn what was done well or what needs to be changed. I'm a big fan of looking at lessons learned (I have  a previous post on them) and as a new year is beginning, I would like to look at the lessons learned in the previous year.

1. Never give with the expectation of receiving something in return. This goes for anything. I hate when people complain about giving someone a dollar that is begging because they think they're going to spend it on alcohol or drugs. Ummm...if you are that worried, then don't give and don't say anything. We have no idea what that person is going to do and once you give something to someone its theirs. Don't worry about that dollar, you gave it for a reason and once it has left your hands, its time to let go of thoughts of what it may be used for. This also goes for love. Love everyone freely, with no reservations and you would be surprised at the amount of love you receive in return without having to ask. We all know i'm a sucker for love and all that jazz and I have no problem letting people know I like, care, love, appreciate (whatever action word) them. I do not do this to get some type of reaction in my favor out of them, my own personal validation is not based on how others feel about me and I enjoy the feeling of being able to put a smile on the face of someone else. Pass the love on!

2. Be patient. This past year has taken me all over (literally and figuratively). My ideas of just where I am headed were across the board and I just wasn't sure what exactly it is that i'm going to do, I just wanted to do it and be doing it...now. There is a process for everything. Nothing happens overnight and there may be sometime before a plan becomes an action. As stated in lessons learned, don't be afraid to go after what you want...and wait patiently for it to come. There are several things I want, I want to be my own boss. I want to change the world, I want a wonderful husband, I want stability, love, peace and happiness. All things that I want, I believe will happen...in time. As for now, I need to enjoy the road that is leading me to all that I want, take the necessary steps to getting what I want and to be patient through it all because everything has always worked itself out...and often times in my favor :)

3.Keep the faith. My experience in S.Sudan was extremely discouraging on several levels. I didn't realize this until after the fact and this experience almost pushed me away from what I am passionate about that was until I realized that its just one experience in many and one bump of many to throwing me off my path. I am a firm believer in faith and holding on to ones faith to get through difficult, sometimes hard to understand situations. I use my faith as guidance when navigating through difficult situations, knowing that wherever i'm led i'm supposed to be there. I have been led to where I am and one bump in the road is not going to throw me off my path; that bump may create a new path to be followed and i'm ok with that.

4. Trust your instincts. This goes hand in hand with faith. If you have faith that where you are being led is where you are supposed to be, then you will have no problem trusting your instincts. Instincts, I believe are God's way of telling you where he wants you to go.Trust it, appreciate the lessons presented and know that wherever the end is you're supposed to be there.

5. Take risks. Do not be afraid to take a risk if your instincts are telling you to. Yeah you may fall flat on your face or the end may not have been what you expected or hoped for, but there's a lesson there you are meant to learn. Everything happens for a reason.

I remember me.

I didn't think I would write before the new year, but here I am. As the new year approaches, one is innudated with the whole "what's your resolution going to be?" and as much as I prefer not to make them, this year may be a bit different. I like to set goals, I like reaching those goals and being able to look back at the path it took me to get there. A resolution is nothing but a goal and this year I know just exactly what goal I am setting.

Every goal I have set, I have achieved. From getting into my first choice college, to Peace Corps, to grad school and South Sudan. Although there are several things that I would like to have at this point in my life-stability, a career I love and no student debt, an amazing PNC (partner in crime) I have confidence that will all come in time and that I just need to be patient. I have no big goals for this year except to focus more on me. Most people have no problem doing this, they are their first priority, I on the other hand have a hard time making me my first priority. Of course I do things that make me happy but I have made others and serving others, a priority. There are so many things that I need to work on and because my focus has been others, I have neglected myself. I feel neglected and the only way to change that is to make myself the priority. I need to find my center, re-ignite my passion and get myself together-Mind, body, and spirit- and that is what 2012 will be about. I'm looking forward to this renewed sense of self and the recharge that will come with it.

So here's to remembering me in 2012...Cheers!

Being Grateful

This Christmas, like the last few were spent away from my family. In 2007, I was at work. I was working for a homeless shelter in Nashville and just begun the job 2 months prior and did not have enough hours or money saved to travel to Chicago. In 2008, I was in my village in Malawi crying in my chim(toilet) as I spoke with my family while fellow volunteers were in my house falalala-ing away. In 2009, I spent the Christmas morning with my bestfriend Eunice(a primary school teacher in my village) and helped her prepare for her wedding, her mother had past away and in the tradition she was being pampered and prepared by the groom's family. I will never forget her telling me how much she appreciated having me there not only to share that moment but to be a friend amidst people she really didn't know. I then spent 6 hours hitchhiking down the M-1, in the process saving the life of a turtle, trying to make it to the capitol in time to have Christmas dinner with my closest PC friends. In 2010, I spent it with the women at the transitional shelter I work for. Although I would love to spend the holiday with my traditional family doing our Christmas tradition (dinner in Greektown then gift opening at midnight), I was right where I was supposed to be. I'm a firm believer that God (or whomever you believe in), puts you where you're supposed to be and with the people with whom you're supposed to be with. All of my Christmas holidays away from my traditional family were spent with my non-traditional families that have loved and cared for me in the same manner my family has. I'm not sure what my presence has done for those that I have shared Christmas with, but I know that they were all grateful for it. This Christmas, like the past few, I was working. My mom now lives in DC and we got to spend some of the holiday together, but because of our work schedules not as much time as I would have liked. Despite being away from my family, I'm grateful for those that have opened their hearts, homes, and moments to me. I'm grateful that I did not have to spend this holiday on the streets somewhere, cold and lonely. I am grateful for all the nice, thoughtful gifts I received despite not asking for anything. Everything I received is something that I needed and I'm sure God had a hand in that as well. I'm grateful that I can pick up the phone, send a text or dial a number to hear the voices of those I love, I'm grateful for ALL the blessings I have received and continue to receive. I'm grateful that God puts me right where i'm supposed to be and with those that I'm supposed to be with.

Hope this holiday has been filled with joy, love, peace and happiness. I hope that wherever you may have spent it, you realize the blessing that is there and that you are grateful for it. This will probably be my last post for the year (unless something really comes to my mind). 2011 has been filled with a lot of great memories, challenges, successes and defeats. I am grateful for the lessons learned through it all and i'm looking forward to what 2012 has in store for me.

Love, love, love and peace during this holiday season!

Back to teaching?

I have this intense urge. The same intense urge that I felt when I stepped on the campus of Vanderbilt for the first time, the same urge I felt when deciding to apply to Peace Corps, American for grad school and traveling to South Sudan. This urge shows up when I least expect it but it is the indicator that there is something that I need to do. I woke up the other morning and this urge appeared telling me that I need to explore the option of going back to teaching…yes, you read that right. I just might…or I will be a teacher again. I don’t think I ever left the profession but explored other facets within it, now I think I’m ready to step back into a classroom and hopefully create an experience for my students that would leave the same lasting impact that was left on me. The more I explore the idea of whether or not I should teach the more reasons keep appearing as to why I should do it. I’m passionate about education, I’m passionate about being able to open up opportunities and doors to opportunities for others and given the state of this country and where are youth are heading, its time more positive role models stepped in and helped guided them, I believe I can do that. All of my past experiences have given me a better perspective to the world and essentially with this perspective I feel comfortable now, more than I did 5 years ago when I received my degree in education, in influencing and leading the next generation.

I have lucked out in the fact that I do not have to jump through hoops to get a teaching license in DC. I was told that I would simply need first aid/cpr and that I completed all other requirements in undergrad. The exchange for teaching for a few years seems well worth it to me. Besides a decent salary, summers off (which will afford me the opportunity to do some international consulting), full benefits, loan cancellation after 5 years of service and most importantly being a part of the solution in ensuring the next generation has a solid foundation that will better prepare them to be future leaders. Who do I plan on teaching? I know that I’m adequately qualified to teach in one of the better performing schools, but I choose not to. My students will be the ones that are truly left behind, shitted over by society, policy and those that are responsible for making sure they are given an equal shot at having a positive future. Am I superwoman? Well, yes, but I am also realistic that I am not going to walk into a classroom in a lower performing school and save them all and that’s ok. One thing I know is that I am confident in the fact that I will walk into a classroom and be able to change the life of one.

After several different plans that have come to fruition within these past 3 months, this plan is the most feasible and realistic. If I want a PhD in Urban and Minority Education, I am going to have to spend some time in an urban education system where I’m working with minority students. If I’m going to put a dent in my student loan debt, I can’t settle for a low paying position. If I want to save, to travel then I need a career that will allow me to do so. I’m a firm believer that you have to sacrifice to succeed, what is one year or 5 years or 10 years? The beauty of being young is coming to my benefit here. I figured if I stay for the 5 years, I’ll be 32 which is still young enough to change my career if I choose to.

I revisited my graduate admissions essay and came across this statement “…I know I will be able to reach the students who need me the most. The students who color outside the lines, think outside the box, and ask questions that are relevant to their understanding of the world. These students are waiting for a teacher who understands them; I know these students are waiting for me.” I know education is my calling and although I’m still trying to figure just where in education I fit best, it is important for me to comfortably and confidently say I tried and it didn’t work before moving on.

I think I’m ready to become a teacher again.

Defining Moments

Lately, I find myself reflecting a lot on defining moments. What happened and when that triggered some sort of shift in my thought process. I decided to share some of my defining moments.

1. My first crush
I was 5. This is probably one of my earliest memories. I was so in love with MC, blonde hair and blue eyed, he was just dreamy in my eyes. MC didn't feel the same way. I had a crush on him until the 3rd grade when I realized that there will never be anything between us (so early to think this way but I guess its an innate thing). I guess this would be my first experience with men, the ones you want you don't always get and vice versa. Just brush yourself off because there is always another one on the horizon.

2. My parents separation/divorce
This was the hardest part of my childhood. The amount of emotions and pain and lack of control over a situation and I think the recognition that nothing or NO ONE has a guaranteedn presence in your life. Love people when you can because they can leave before you know it. As a product of divorce, I'm steadfast in the idea that if I ever get married it would be forever. I guess partner selection, ability to communicate and compromise and investing in truly getting to know a person are a must. I refuse to make that type of commitment to a person out of loneliness.

3. Moving
In the 6th grade my family moved an hour from where I grew up. Although it was exciting to have something new to experience, it was difficult having to start over. Patience, flexibility, adaptability and self-resilience came to play here. I had to learn how to adjust to wherever I was and I had to learn how to rely on myself.

4. Traveling blues
My mom had a job managing a blues musician and because of this traveled quite a bit. I would take on the responsibility of the house, making sure it was clean, there was food, doling out allowances etc.. This was my first "mothering" experience. I was 14 and although I enjoyed the responsibility, I sometimes wished I didn't have it.

5. Moving back
My family moved back to where I grew up going into my sophomore year. It was great to be back but I have missed a big portion of influential years with friends and felt left out quite a bit because of it. I couldn't help but feel different because my experience was different and not shaped by the same things as theirs.

6. Losing our home
A series of events including a break up involving my mother ended in us losing our home and essentially becoming homeless. I had a place to stay on the couch of a great friend. During this time I worked quite a bit to help my family, but like divorce it just emphasized that nothing is guaranteed and one must have a plan for everything. Experiencing this as made me more dependent on myself than others which can play out in several different ways when engaging in romantic relationships and it taught me how to be frugal or cautious with money. I budget because you never know what type of emergency may arise. It is because of this that I'm in the line of work i'm in now, it was the first catalyst to going into public service work.

7. Appalachia Service Project
My first real experience doing service. I went with my church group to rehabilitate homes in the Appalachian Mountains. My first time seeing poverty to this degree, allowing me to realize that although I may have had it bad, there was someone out there with it much worse. I also realized as much as I was giving, I was receiving and it was the springboard into a life of service.

8. English teacher and acceptance
My senior year was pivotal. I worked....A LOT. So when it came to applying to colleges, I had time for two-Tulane and Vanderbilt. During this time I had an English teacher who was supportive and encouraging despite others believing those schools were out of my league (I didn't think so, I had a solid GPA and all that they required). Despite all the naysayers, having one person who really didn't know me but believed in me made all the difference. I got my first rejection from Tulane and I remember thinking that my future is now over because if they didn't accept me, neither would Vanderbilt. I was blessed that Vanderbilt saw something in me that Tulane didn't and accepted me into their school of education (Proud Peabody grad!) I wanted to be a high school English teacher so I could have a positive impact on students the way my English teacher had on me.

9. Vandy
Vanderbilt was a whole new world. The amount of wealth present was astounding. I felt like a rag child in comparison. I didn't come from money, I had to work in the cafeteria serving up half chickens to get a free meal plan and some cash to have in my pockets. I didn't have money for the excess so I didn't pretend like I did and I made sure not to overindulge to ensure that in case I couldn't (which tended to be the case) get it from home, I had something. I experienced a range of emotions from rage to jealousy to resentment because these kids had abundant amount of money at their fingertips from mommy and daddy and I had to slave away cleaning up chicken grease. The distribution of wealth was something I didn't quite understand abstractly but experienced first hand. On the upside, I met some of the most AMAZING friends and had some of the most amazing experiences.

10. GED
My first teaching gig was as a volunteer teaching assistant for a women's adult GED program. I loved my fellow teacher and my students and it felt good to be a part of a community outside of Vanderbilt. It was then that I realized that I do not belong in the formal education system but that my interests were more aligned with providing educational opportunities for those that are often left out or forgotten. I continued to teach with this class past the time expected for the class requirement and for the remaining 4 years I lived in Nashville (including the year after I graduated).

11. Panera Bread
I spent my last two years of school working at Panera as a trainer. I loved my job, not because I was dealing with bagels and soups but the team I was  a part of (just like one dysfunctional family) and the interactions with our regular customers. Although it was a great job, if you have read my post about lessons learned, you will see that I was treated a bit differently because I was serving and not be served. I would get angry that people assumed that I was some lowlife that was there probably trying to feed my babies with different baby daddies and couldn't be all that intelligent. The look of shock on their faces when they found out I was a student at the prestigious university across the street was enough validation, but this experience has made me never to assume the capabilities of another individual just because of the side of the counter they're on.

12. Shelter life
Throughout college, I volunteered at a homeless shelter in Nashville. I then took a job there upon graduation. Not doing anything all that related to my degree but still being presented a healthy challenge. I loved my job. It was the perfect balance of faith and spirituality and services. I felt at home, they became my family and at times I wish I could go back.

13. Peace Corps
I always wanted to go to Africa, since I was little but knew that I could never afford such a trip on my own. When I found out about Peace Corps I realized that it is the perfect opportunity. I could travel and combine my love for service into one. No brainer. So I applied, took me two years but finally got placed in Malawi. Malawi and my experience there was simply amazing and probably one of the most pivotal moments in my adult life. Because of the pseudo-isolation, one gets really involved in themselves and their thought. I was able to digest, reflect, and heal from all the previous experiences and I was able to find out who I was or wanted to be and become comfortable with the person that I am.

14. Grad School
I decided to go to grad school after my first year in Malawi and finding a program that was the right mix and what I felt to be a good fit for me was important. A good friend of mine and a graduate of the program i'm in convinced me based on what I wanted to do that the International Training and Education Program (ITEP) at American Univ. would be a good fit. I agree, I have a learned a lot that it very applicable and practical to any type of work I find myself engaging in.

15. The diagnosis of a friend
A good friend from college was diagnosed with breast cancer at 25. Now this is a shock to all because breast cancer tends to be a disease found in older women, but leave it to my vivacious, fun-loving friend to change that. I'm not the best in these types of situations but realizing that no one is invincible, that anything can happen at anytime and that life is meant to be lived to the fullest, with no regrets had given me the freedom to be more carefree. To enjoy what I do and do what I enjoy without feeling guilty. For putting me first, for being direct and honest.

16. Love
I decided to save the best for last. I can say honestly that I have been in love a few times, i'm not going to go into details about it. But love is a funny and beautiful thing. You feel every range of emotion possible and another person has the ability to dictate the feelings that you have of yourself and of that moment. After the first 2 heartbreaks, I sealed up the vault not completely allowing myself to go that far with any other individual. To let someone come in, get down to your core and leave is something that is not easily forgotten and brings a lot of pain that may take a lot of time to heal. I'm at a point where i'm ready to open the vault.

Of course there are a few other defining moments that I haven't shared here, I wasn't expecting this many to begin with but I guess when you open the flood gates, expect things to come rushing out. I'm proud of my experiences, the scars, the memories that have stemmed from them because i'm proud of the person that I turned out to be.