Reality Check

(Please read critically and know the not everyone here falls into what is happening; what is being stated is not a picture of all of South Sudan and this email is not to generalize the population. Above all, know that i'm safe)

I'm careful of what I say because I don't want to misinform anyone of the situation here. I don't want to paint a picture of a reality that may not really be the reality and I know that you really can't believe everything that you read. In 10 days, Africa's newest nation will be born. I'm excited but at the same time scared of the fate of this country. I have been somewhat silent on the situation here because I don't want to alarm anyone (particularly my family who get these updates) but I don't know how to put it any other way, the situation here is bad and it will continue to be bad. I'm not in a guerrilla warfare, bombs are not dropping around me and I don't hear gunshots everyday (most of the time its happy shooting...like the other night for the lunar eclipse they were shooting. I was in the field so I missed it but my colleagues told me the funny stories of people running for cover because they thought they were under attack. I guess its good to find something to laugh about in these situations).  Those that are hopeful see the impending independence as the answer to solving the soon to be country's problems, but it's not and it won't. Although the major concern is the conflict between the north and south, there is another conflict brewing and only in time will we be able to see how it plays out. One of the generals in the SPLA (Sudan People's Liberation Army-the army of the south) feels like the current government of South Sudan is marginalizing his people and that there is not an equal representation of his people and other tribes within the new government. This guy-Peter Gadet- has formed his own militia group that is responsible for attacks in towns along the border. Currently, there has been some clashes on the other side of the border-South Kordofan-which the northern army is responsible for, but those on this side (southern) the north is not responsible for directly (indirectly they can be supplying arms). There were attacks in Turalei and Akun and there is a possibility of them moving further south in order to surround Abyei. This is all speculation and reports that have been given by various security officials, there is no way of really knowing until something happens or you are told directly from the source. There has been a rise of military on the roads and this will probably continue to increase over the next coming days and weeks. The situation is currently unpredictable and although we all are hoping for the best, we are preparing for the worst.

In terms of human development, I would say if you put it on a scale it would be in the negative. There is hope, but there would need to be an aggressive overhaul of systems, development measures, and capacity building to make things better. I'm not an expert, but from what I see and what I hear, there's a lot that needs to be done to bring this country to a point where it can begin to think about longer term development. There is a lot of mistrust among the people and because of this it is difficult to get anything done. UNICEF distributed mosquito nets and because they were white people refused to use them due to them being highly visible and fearful that people who are trying to attack them will see them or they think the nets are the government's way of spying. Many will use the nets to create stalls for their animals or to tie other things together. While a woman is breastfeeding, she refrains from having sex, it doesn't curb reproduction because her husband will just take on another wife to have during this time and when that one gets pregnant, he will take another one. Condoms, family planning, HIV/AIDS/STI prevention, all of that are not available. The health centers are..yeah. If they're there they may not have drugs or staff or even open. Guinea worm is a huge issue due to people using open and contaminated water sources. Farming techniques are not there and a family will cultivate a small plot not thinking of longer term food security. Malnutrition rates in this state alone are immeasurable. Hygiene and sanitation, that is a whole other issue. Latrines are pretty non-existent except at locations such as health centers and schools that have been constructed by international NGOs. Kids don't go to school because they're not protected. In the past they could have went to school one day and then a raid occurred and they lost their family. Or they don't have clothes to wear to school. Or there are no teachers. Or there are no books, no materials. Child soldiers are a huge portion of the population, these (mostly) men are now working in the private or government sector and still carry the mentality of being a soldier, don't trust anyone and at times can be aggressive. There is more a hand out mentality than a hand up and for the most part believe that if you want them to have something you will give it to them, otherwise let them be. The reasoning is valid and although I would want to be able to wave a wand and fix everything, its going to take a generation or two to really turn the situation around here. But as they say, Rome wasn't built overnight and neither was the US, so although they are starting from the very beginning, it is possible that things will turn around. For now this is their reality and I have to accept it and accept that this time around I won't do much to change anything.

I've been conflicted because I don't want to make the situation out to be more than what it is but I have to look at reality and trust that what I'm seeing and what I hear is the truth. Of course there is more to the story then I know and will ever know. I'm alert and although I usually rely on my heart to make my decisions, I will have to follow my logic this time and be safe rather than sorry. I'm challenging myself quite a bit, i'm not ready to leave but I also know that this type of work environment (conflict regions) may not be the best fit for me. Its hard constantly thinking about security issues and wondering if something is going to break out. Its hard to focus when there's insecurity and as myself and my colleagues find it difficult to carry out our tasks due to the insecurity and instability, I can only imagine how difficult it is for a Sudanese citizen to build themselves and their family up when they don't have the support network that I have. I can't blame the people for the lack of development among them, i'm sure if they were in a more stable environment it would be easier. But when you have to constant flee and rebuild, you stop investing so much in rebuilding because you never know when you will have to flee.


With hope and in peace.

Barack Obama

(This boy is an Obama fan....all the way in a small village in South Sudan)

I'm not a politician nor am I really into politics. Ok i'm not into them at all. I vote because I can but i'm a firm believer that change is in the hands of the people not the politician and people need to make things happen and not wait for someone else to do it. This may cause what i'm about to say to carry little weight, but let's be honest with ourselves. Barack Obama is an amazing man. Let's set aside the fact that he is president of one of the greatest nations on earth (ok i'm just a bit biased on that one), but who he is and what he stands for has brought so much hope to others all over the world. This man has become the world president in a sense, that his presence, maybe not stateside, but abroad gains attention. I <3 the Obamas. From Michelle to Sasha to Malia to Barack. Its just unfortunate that people in the US can not set aside personal feelings to allow him to do his job effectively. I have a hard time watching Barack deal with so much opposition when the previous president (Bush) did not despite the decisions that he has made that has placed our country in the current situation it is in. Don't get me wrong, Bush had several good policies and practices and his wife is the bomb (yay for literacy promotion...she is an amazing woman) but people looked away when he failed to act accordingly during Hurricane Katrina or spent billions on a war on terror (which let's face it, that war will never be won) and let him do his thing because he was our commander in chief and our president and if we don't stand united, anyone can come in and take advantage. Obama wants to bring healthcare to all, strengthen international relationships, and create a just society that operates within the principles the country was founded on.  I think it is only fair that we give him the opportunity to do his job and as the people we do our job of supporting him and creating a more secure, stable, and happy environment for eachother. We can no longer think about ourselves, it has gotten us nowhere. Its time to work hand in hand with our president to ensure that everyone is provided with the same opportunities as the next individual.

Don't judge him because of his name, don't judge him because of his skin color, don't judge him because of where his ancestors are from. Don't judge him at all. Let the man do what he needs to do to rebuild our country after 8 years of  destruction. He is capable, he has the support of a more than capable, intelligent wife and I have no doubt that if he is given the opportunity to really create the change that he spoke about and that we all want, he and we will. But we can't blame him for the failures he may encounter, it's not him, it's us.

Get it together people! Regardless if your republican, democrat, independent, or unable to vote, we must support or president and eachother.

Crossroads

I think way too much. I wake up in the middle of the night with thoughts of what next? What next? What about what now? What's happening now? My mind is constantly off on a planet of its own dreaming up the next set of possibilities.
There are moments here when I experience complete calm, I am completely content. I am in the moment and I am happy. I think in my mind is it here (maybe not Sudan but Africa) that makes me feel this way, or is there something that is in me that allows for it to happen. Who knows. I find myself at time questioning whether I could stay in Sudan if given the opportunity. Although I am enjoying my experience, I enjoy my colleagues, I know that Sudan for now is fine, but longer term at this moment, no it's not for me. Maybe it is because I am not completely satisfied in the role that I am currently operating in. I'm responsible for building capacity among project officers, this is important because if it doesn't occur there can be several consequences, but what i'm responsible for building the capacity on is not all that exciting or interesting to me. My passion is education programming that target girls and women (particularly refugees/idps). My passion is not being played out at the moment and I believe that has at times contributed to the slumps I would find myself in. It's difficult for me to see and know that there is so much suffering going on all around me and indirectly i'm playing a role in alleviating it. I'm a people person, I thrive in communities and I like the relationships that are formed within these communities. Peace Corps has spoiled me because to me that would be the ideal position for me. Directly connected to the community I am working with. Right now in my current line people have no names, they're beneficiaries, they're numbers and I don't like it. But what can I do at this moment. Nothing, I need to be patient. I need to learn. I need to test and challenge myself to see how far I can go. I do believe that this was the right decision. I do not regret for one day, one minute, one second, the decision to come to Sudan. I am learning and i'm getting exposed to a field a work that I believe is for me. I am pretty sure that coming back to Sudan is in the cards in the future. But I need to expand and explore. Haiti has been calling my name for quite some time now and although time will only present what the future has to hold, i'm feeling in my heart that Haiti is the next location for me.

Then of course while dreaming up the next adventure, I begin to think abou the more immediate need. A job when I return to the states. I haven't begun submitting my resume anywhere because it is too early, but I am hoping that it will not be a replay of last fall when it took me forever to scramble together jobs that I enjoyed but wasn't fulfilled by. I'm tired of being an intern but will not say that becoming an intern again is not a possibility. I am learning that any and everything is a possibility. I need to be open and see all possibilities as an opportunity to learn something and be a step closer to where I am suppose to be.

I have to remind myself to take it one day at a time. To be in the moment but that is easier said than done. Everything works out and it always has...

Wow. I think way too much.

Huff and Puff

I can understand how the three little pigs felt when the big bad wolf was trying to blow their houses down...

I’m tired. Sleeping in a tent can be exhausting at times. For the past two nights, I have been awakened by strong winds. The first night the winds blew the flaps of my tent open leaving me frightened that  a. someone was trying to get in my tent  b. a dog or hyena wanted to make their bed in my tent. Neither of these were the case, but when you’re fast asleep and here the velcro of your tent rip open, your mind travels in every which way. After scoping out the situation, I went back to sleep. Last night the winds were much stronger, causing my tent to sway a bit. I woke up with the image of me rolling like tumbleweed in my tent through the compound. As I lay in bed trying to get back to sleep, my mind began to think about the people who are stuck outside, who live in poorly built living structures made from subpar materials and are not much of a boundary between the people and the harsh elements. My tent is probably 100 times more sturdy than a lot of the homes that I have seen, that I have heard about, and that are non-existent. Although I am grateful for my tent, I couldn’t help but think about what I am going to do, knowing what I know.

Lucky for me the owner of the tent that I am staying in comes back today which means I’m moving! Yeah, who gets excited about moving tents? I do because the tent that I’m moving into is my friend Admire’s (he left for leave) and he has a little mini-refrigerator in it along with being closer to the showers/toilets and not directly in a location where the winds will be strong. I’m moving to prime real estate I tell you and hopefully tonight I will sleep through the night.

Tomorrow will be my first training and although I'm slightly nervous, i'm not worried that there will be problems. I am scheduled to travel to another county at the end of this week but now I am afraid that I may get stuck there with the rains and lack of fuel or get stuck here due to both the issues mentioned.

Last night I almost was left in town by accident. A couple of my co-workers went in to town for a bit and as we were getting ready to leave, I put my bottles of water in the car then went back to use the restroom and as I was walking out of the restroom I saw the taillights of our vehicle pulling out the parking lot and begin driving up the road. Thankfully they noticed I was missing before they gone far and came back for me. It was funny but my colleague Peter, the driver, was very apologetic.

The most asked question I get is where is my husband. Ha! It's unusual here to be my age and not married. I always say I will get married when I find a man that cooks and cleans. The questioning stops pretty quickly after that response.

Workshops, birthdays and Tonj

I may be suffering from writer's block, or writer's overload, I don't know. Can't quite figure what to write about but do not want to keep people in suspense about what's happening here. I hope this subpar update will suffice until something more exciting or juicy or interesting comes along.

Wednesday(6.8) I clocked in another year and although I could have spent my birthday doing big things in the states, I did not. I instead spent my day sitting in a meeting that lasted 6.5 hours. I won't go into the details of how this meeting was like having teeth pulled out or something poking me in the eyes, just know that when it was over I was the first one out the door. I was relieved and happy to be be able to leave the compound and celebrate my birthday with a nice cold beer before returning to a delicious birthday meal of rice and beans. Not complaining, my birthday was great and I will always remember it. I spent the remainder of the night reviewing a proposal for a project that is set to begin in July. The startup workshop was the following day and our WVUS(World Vision US) counterpart was unable to come, so I was asked to present and explain the sections of the project focusing on Health and WASH(Water, Sanitation and Hygiene) along with the US Govt. grant regulations. The workshop was attended by all stakeholders involved in the project (from government to community based groups) and it was a great experience.

I am now writing from one of our field offices (I thought this entire place was the field but this is the real field). I'm in a place called Tonj South, ask me where it's at on a map I couldn't tell you exactly, I just know its in the southern portion of Warrap state (south of Kuajok). My living conditions are good, not luxury like Kuajok, but they serve the purposes they are meant for. I sleep in a tent (there is a bed in my tent and it's actually pretty nice), poop in a latrine (a hole in the ground), and have no cell phone service (except in this one location in the camp). The internet only works when the generator is on and I haven't figured out the schedule for it yet. I do have a shower which is always a delight for me. The food is similar to that in Kuajok but more flavorful. The weather is a bit cooler here and I actually slept with a blanket last night. I will conduct a training for project officers here later on this week. So this will be my home for the next week or so, then I will head to another WV compound to conduct another training and to have a whole new experience again.

Home sweet home...for the next week or so :)

I'm 26!

I'm tired. This will be brief.

I'm 26! yay :)

Discipline

So i've been blogging quite a bit and that's because I've been telling myself I should do a better job of it and also probably I have the time for it. If you have been following then you know that tomorrow marks a new year for me. Today is my last day as a 25 year old and as I move into 26 i've decided that I need to focus more on being disciplined. Yeah when it comes to my career, i'm very disciplined but my social life not so much. So with this new year, I will work towards being more disciplined. I'm sure it will be difficult at times, temptations are galore, but I need to be able to follow through with the things I say and believe.