I think way too much. I wake up in the middle of the night with thoughts of what next? What next? What about what now? What's happening now? My mind is constantly off on a planet of its own dreaming up the next set of possibilities.
There are moments here when I experience complete calm, I am completely content. I am in the moment and I am happy. I think in my mind is it here (maybe not Sudan but Africa) that makes me feel this way, or is there something that is in me that allows for it to happen. Who knows. I find myself at time questioning whether I could stay in Sudan if given the opportunity. Although I am enjoying my experience, I enjoy my colleagues, I know that Sudan for now is fine, but longer term at this moment, no it's not for me. Maybe it is because I am not completely satisfied in the role that I am currently operating in. I'm responsible for building capacity among project officers, this is important because if it doesn't occur there can be several consequences, but what i'm responsible for building the capacity on is not all that exciting or interesting to me. My passion is education programming that target girls and women (particularly refugees/idps). My passion is not being played out at the moment and I believe that has at times contributed to the slumps I would find myself in. It's difficult for me to see and know that there is so much suffering going on all around me and indirectly i'm playing a role in alleviating it. I'm a people person, I thrive in communities and I like the relationships that are formed within these communities. Peace Corps has spoiled me because to me that would be the ideal position for me. Directly connected to the community I am working with. Right now in my current line people have no names, they're beneficiaries, they're numbers and I don't like it. But what can I do at this moment. Nothing, I need to be patient. I need to learn. I need to test and challenge myself to see how far I can go. I do believe that this was the right decision. I do not regret for one day, one minute, one second, the decision to come to Sudan. I am learning and i'm getting exposed to a field a work that I believe is for me. I am pretty sure that coming back to Sudan is in the cards in the future. But I need to expand and explore. Haiti has been calling my name for quite some time now and although time will only present what the future has to hold, i'm feeling in my heart that Haiti is the next location for me.
Then of course while dreaming up the next adventure, I begin to think abou the more immediate need. A job when I return to the states. I haven't begun submitting my resume anywhere because it is too early, but I am hoping that it will not be a replay of last fall when it took me forever to scramble together jobs that I enjoyed but wasn't fulfilled by. I'm tired of being an intern but will not say that becoming an intern again is not a possibility. I am learning that any and everything is a possibility. I need to be open and see all possibilities as an opportunity to learn something and be a step closer to where I am suppose to be.
I have to remind myself to take it one day at a time. To be in the moment but that is easier said than done. Everything works out and it always has...
Wow. I think way too much.
There are moments here when I experience complete calm, I am completely content. I am in the moment and I am happy. I think in my mind is it here (maybe not Sudan but Africa) that makes me feel this way, or is there something that is in me that allows for it to happen. Who knows. I find myself at time questioning whether I could stay in Sudan if given the opportunity. Although I am enjoying my experience, I enjoy my colleagues, I know that Sudan for now is fine, but longer term at this moment, no it's not for me. Maybe it is because I am not completely satisfied in the role that I am currently operating in. I'm responsible for building capacity among project officers, this is important because if it doesn't occur there can be several consequences, but what i'm responsible for building the capacity on is not all that exciting or interesting to me. My passion is education programming that target girls and women (particularly refugees/idps). My passion is not being played out at the moment and I believe that has at times contributed to the slumps I would find myself in. It's difficult for me to see and know that there is so much suffering going on all around me and indirectly i'm playing a role in alleviating it. I'm a people person, I thrive in communities and I like the relationships that are formed within these communities. Peace Corps has spoiled me because to me that would be the ideal position for me. Directly connected to the community I am working with. Right now in my current line people have no names, they're beneficiaries, they're numbers and I don't like it. But what can I do at this moment. Nothing, I need to be patient. I need to learn. I need to test and challenge myself to see how far I can go. I do believe that this was the right decision. I do not regret for one day, one minute, one second, the decision to come to Sudan. I am learning and i'm getting exposed to a field a work that I believe is for me. I am pretty sure that coming back to Sudan is in the cards in the future. But I need to expand and explore. Haiti has been calling my name for quite some time now and although time will only present what the future has to hold, i'm feeling in my heart that Haiti is the next location for me.
Then of course while dreaming up the next adventure, I begin to think abou the more immediate need. A job when I return to the states. I haven't begun submitting my resume anywhere because it is too early, but I am hoping that it will not be a replay of last fall when it took me forever to scramble together jobs that I enjoyed but wasn't fulfilled by. I'm tired of being an intern but will not say that becoming an intern again is not a possibility. I am learning that any and everything is a possibility. I need to be open and see all possibilities as an opportunity to learn something and be a step closer to where I am suppose to be.
I have to remind myself to take it one day at a time. To be in the moment but that is easier said than done. Everything works out and it always has...
Wow. I think way too much.
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