All good things come to an end

They say that you shouldn't be sad that it's over, but glad that it happened. I believe this to be true to some extent but I still feel sad that something good is coming to an end. In just a few days I will be boarding a plane and heading back to my life in America. I can't believe how quickly time has passed by and I can't believe that this experience will be coming full circle and to an end. Although I will be taking the same route back (Nairobi-London-DC), I will be taking it with a different perspective. I am confident that I will carry all the memories, both good and bad, with me as I continue on to the next journey. I am confident that I will apply the lessons that I have learned during this experience to create a more fulfilled, happy, and understanding life when I return. I am reassured and confident in the skills that I have gained or sharpen, and i'm reassured and confident that the path that i'm heading down is the right one, even if at times it may not appear so.

I spent the past two weeks being a sloth and enjoying the coast of Kenya. Although the original plan was to travel to Malawi, finances wouldn't allow it. I am sad that I didn't make it back this time, I know that I will make it back one day. These past two weeks have been amazingly beautiful. I have found peace and obtained a calmness that I don't think that I would have been able to if I had did all the traveling I had originally planned. For the first time, I feel completely content and ready to leave a place, even if I know I that I am leaving a part of me behind. I'm not good with transitions so these past two weeks have given me time to breathe and relax and mentally prepare all that is waiting for me back in the states. I'm not good with goodbyes and know that it will be difficult to leave the friends that I have made while in Kenya, but I feel good knowing that I can come back and will have a place where I can find people and feel at home.

I will never forget this experience, will be forever grateful for it, and looking forward to going back to where I belong for now.

Until next time...

Kwaheri Africa!

This is it

Today is my last full day in South Sudan. Tomorrow afternoon I will be leaving this country. It's a bittersweet feeling. I'm ready to go but wouldn't mind staying. I will miss my life here, although I was only here for a short period of time. Wow, I can't believe that its coming to an end. I have an amazing calm over me, I have made peace with the decision to leave and I have made peace with the idea that this experience, this chapter is done. I'm looking forward to the next 2.5 weeks of relaxing and getting myself back into a place mentally to focus on being back in the states.

I will miss South Sudan, but more especially the people who I met here.

So this is it. I'm out.

The art of Goodbye

Tonight is my last night in Kuajok. I should be sleeping seeing as it is 1am, but thinking that this will be my last night here is keeping me up. I'm not good with the whole goodbye thing, I always say it's see you later, but that later, who knows when it will come. I'm not good with transitions, i'm not good with the whole packing up and leaving thing either. But for some reason, that seems to be the most constant thing in my life. I shouldn't complain seeing as I have been afforded the opportunity to meet some of the most amazing people along my journey. These people, at whatever point they have entered my life, have shown me something about the world and taught me something about myself. Today will be the first of many goodbyes as I prepare to depart South Sudan and although it's not easy, I will say goodbye knowing that the memories that were created during my time here will continue with me on the next journey and all the journeys to follow.

I don't know if this is the beginning of me settling down. I'm not sure I know how but I do know that i'm ready to move on to the thing that life has in store for me, whatever that and wherever that may be.

Counting down.

Time is ticking and the countdown has begun.

In 29 days, I am scheduled to be on a flight back to the states. At first, I was strongly considering extending my time here....like really considering. After a lot of prayer, a lot of weighing of options and a whole lot of thinking, i've decided that I need to come home. There are several things that weighed in on my decision. If I extended, it would only be 3 months and the type of work/impact I would like to have would require a longer commitment. I think the thing that was a reoccurring thought was the fact that I put my life in the states on pause to come here and we all know eventually when you pause to long, you have to start over. I have slowly began establishing myself and getting settled in DC, I haven't even explored what all the city has to offer. If I were to extend I know at the end of that 3 months I would have the same feelings I have now, that I haven't had that much of an impact, haven't contributed fully and to my best abilities and that there is still more to accomplish. There will always be more here...at least for a long while. If it is in the cards for me to come back to South Sudan, then i'll make it back. But for now, I am shifting my thoughts to returning to the states and resuming life there. In 10 days I will be on a plane to Nairobi. I can not believe that my time here is almost up and i'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that I have been in South Sudan almost 3 months and I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around the idea that in a month I will be back in DC beginning the next chapter of the Life and Times of Courtney C.Wright...

Yesterday I traveled back to Kuajok for the last time. Lucky for us, there was a group here from Korea who chartered a plane meaning we did not have to fly via Wau and take the 1.5hour trip to Kuajok on one of the worse roads in the world. We instead flew in a 10 seater plane (I was right behind the pilot!) and landed right in Kuajok. I was warmly received by my colleagues here and felt a bit sad that we will have only a few days together before I leave. I can say that for the most part I have gotten to know and work with some of the most amazing people I have met in my life. I have learned more from them and my interactions with them, then I have learned in my role. I think that is the hardest part about this type of work, everyone is from somewhere else, and because of this you never know when your paths will cross again. You truly have to make the most of the times shared because there is no guarantee that there will be another time. So, i'm going to take advantage of the time I have left here and that will probably result in this being the last email during my time here.

So what next? Really, not much. Wish I could say I had some big exciting plans after this experience, but I don't. I decided that I will backpack to Malawi via Dar es Salaam and take in some of the Africa countryside before departing this beautiful continent.  I'll begin classes at the end of August, going full-time to ensure a May graduation. If all goes as planned, I will be back at my job at the shelter working part-time, leaving me with quite a bit or enough time on my hands to do something. I have no real plans about what to do with this time and if you know me, you know i'm a planner and for the first time, I have no real plan and I'm ok with that.  I know I will be doing some volunteer work (something that has been missing in my life) and really trying to figure out just what it is that i'm supposed to do with my life.

What about South Sudan?
I am steadfast in the belief that the people here will survive and thrive despite the turbulent past. It is not going to be an easy road ahead, but there has been progress in the right direction. I haven't given up hope on South Sudan and I have faith that things will turn for the better. Things along the border still remain unstable and there is no telling when the end of war will truly come for the people here. I will be forever grateful for this opportunity and for the people who have made this a great experience for me.

I have learned a lot about this field of work and myself during this time. I know that I don't feel fulfilled without being connected to those i'm serving, that working within a large organization where people are known as a number and not a name is not for me, and that I really don't know exactly where it is that I am headed. I was able to confirm that being education is the right place for me and that I want to work both in the states and internationally (now I just need to figure out a way to bring both together). I also know that I have the best friends and family in the world and I will be forever grateful for the kind words and support that was given to me during this time. I don't believe what i'm doing is extraordinary or deserves recognition and praise, I do what I do because I love doing it and I have been blessed with a support network that encourages me to do it and to continue doing it. Thank you.


Stick a fork in me, i'm done! (well almost).

Finding my place

Lately I have found myself really reflecting on where I belong. I don't think that question will ever be answered completely but I know that every experience will lead me closer to that place. That place. Where is that place i'm supposed to be? it's confusing as I try to balance to worlds, my life in the states and my life outside the states. I want both but know that I can't physically be in two places at one time.

My experience in South Sudan has revealed to me quite a bit about what it is that I want and where it is I want to be. I can not see myself not being connected to Africa, to the world, but I also can not see myself giving up my life in the states either. I also know that working within a large organization is probably not the best fit for me. Although being a part of a large organization has taught me a great deal, it has shown and discouraged me a great deal as well. I feel disheartened by this experience, not because it was bad, but because what was revealed to me about the nature of this work may not always be what we think it is and not everyone has the best intentions or are serving for the right reasons.

My passionate is working with people. I like feeling connected, I like hearing stories, I like know that the ones i'm serving are not just numbers. I like the emotions that are shared, I like the bonds that are made and the memories created.

My time here is wrapping up, in less than two weeks I will be on a plane to Nairobi to begin my vacation before classes begin. I've decided that this semester I will take a break and not overdo the working. I will go back to my job at the shelter part-time and will continue with school full-time. I do plan on doing a lot of volunteering and getting back to that place I know I am supposed to be. With the people.

Whether in DC or elsewhere. My place is with the people.

Capitalization off suffering.

I think my biggest issue with humanitarian aid is the dependency it creates. I'm sure folks who read this may disagree and that's ok, it's their opinion and I have mine and since this is my blog I can share my opinion freely. Lately I have been really critical of humanitarian aid that has no end. Every organization and every government should have at least some plan when they say their work is finished and it up to the individuals in that country or area to take over. I was talking to one of my closest friends here about it the other night. I, as an American, should not be coming into a country and telling the people how they should live their lives. I think the role of humanitarian aid should be informative and providing resources when they are not available and only after all ways of utilizing resources in the community are exhausted. I should not tell people that the ways in which I live, the culture which I am a part of, should be theirs.

I get tired of seeing western ex-pats capitalizing off the suffering of people. Yes, I said it and yes it's true. I have my philosophy toward development, it may not be the best philosophy but it works for me. In any position I have, whether stateside or abroad, it is my goal to ensure that those i'm working for, on behalf of, are given the skills, knowledge and access to resources or knowledge of where to get those resources so that they don't have to depend on me to do it. I would like to work myself out of a job. I have seen project after project haphazardly thrown together, to ensure that the expat workers have jobs, when instead a comprehensive program can be carried out that addresses all the issues that are present and makes the way forward, without the dependency, much easier. For example, the building of health clinics. I have a hard time understanding why health clinics are built but there is no water point nearby or adequate amount of latrines/toilets for use. Now if there are not adequate hygiene facilities, how to do you ensure that people are not picking up or sharing germs. In the states do our health centers not have access to a clean water source? No! So why is it ok for us to build health centers in countries where the need for is more evident.

Or what about schools. We build schools. We want kids to learn in these schools. We think they should be in these schools, but we don't build completed or adequate schools. We build a school but don't provide furnishing, so even if a student has a nice school building, it is not a comfortable learning environment. Schools with tin roofs, yes they're nice, but if the school was built correctly, when it rains there would be a barrier that keeps the loud rain noise out. Have you ever heard rain on tin? It's loud. When I would teach in Malawi, because I just had tin, it would be too loud for my students to hear me and so even though the students and teacher are present, learning does not take place because it's simply too loud. Now don't get me started on toilets and water...

Whatever happened to integrity? I believe that I would not do something for you or would not treat something differently then I would treat it if it were my own.

Ok. I can continue on this rant, but i'm going to step off my soapbox.

Coming home.

Not today. Not tomorrow. Not next week.

In 35 days, I am scheduled to be on a flight back to the states. At first, I was strongly considering extending my time here....like really considering. After a lot of prayer, a lot of weighing of options and a whole lot of thinking, i've decided that I need to come home. There are several things that weighed in on my decision. If I extended, it would only be 3 months and the type of work/impact I would like to have would require a longer committment. I think the thing that was a reoccuring thought was the fact that I put my life in the states on pause to come here and we all know eventually when you pause to long, you have to start over. I have slowly began establishing myself and getting settled in DC, I haven't even explored what all the city has to offer. If I were to extend I know at the end of that 3 months I would have the same feelings I have now, that I haven't had that much of an impact, haven't contributed fully and to my best abilities and that there is still more to accomplish. There will always be more here...atleast for a long while. If it is in the cards for me to come back to South Sudan, then i'll make it back.

I have family, friends, an awesome home to live in, awesome housemates, my mom, friendships that are forming, not to mention a whole year of grad school to finish and those seems to take precedent over anything that could keep me here. I love being here and have enjoyed my time immensely, but I need a break from this life for a bit.

See you stateside!